

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 


Shelf 


UNITED STATES OF AMERICA 








I » 


s. 






ron Etmum asd ci;a:.£Tte:. 

DOES NOT BITE THE TONGUE. 

Our Cigarettes ore as fine as can be produced. Only the best 
French Pure Rice Ci^ itte paper is used, 'which is free from in- 
jurious substances. 

Letter from SIR HENRY HALFORD, Captain of British Team. 

Gakukn City Hotel, CunEi>MOOK, September J7th, 1877. 
Messrs. \Vm. S. Kimball & Co., Rochester N. Y. 

Gentlemen : — Pray accept my be.st thanks for the package of Vanity Fair Tobacco 
which I fotind here ye.sterday. It is the liest tobacco I ever smoked, and will be a great 
souice of enjoyment to me on my western trip. 

Relieve me, yours truly, H. S. J. HALFORD. 

Our Peerless and Plain Fine Cut Chewing’ are nnsuriiassed 
— the only brands receiving the Vienna Award. Always Uniform aiul 
Reliable. (5 Prize Medals.) 

WM. S. KIMBALL & GO.^ 

Peerless Tobacco Works, Rochester, N. Y. 

D. L. KETLER & 00., Agts., 442 Market St., Philad'a. 

JONATHAN JINKS, 

THE MAN WITH THE IRON JAW, 
Writes Exclusively for the 

PHILADELPHIA SUNDAY TIMES. 

All Othevfi writing vntler that Nom-ile-Plume are 
Imitators and Fraads^ 



THE LADIES’ DEPARTMENT is ably edited by 
MRS. ELIZABETH S. BLADEN. 


The Sunday Timks expends more money for literary matter and news 
than any other Sunday newspaper in Thiladelphia. 











So I drew her gently, tenderly to me, and clasped her in my 
strong embrace, at the same time placing my cheek against 
hers,where she said the pain was. — Page 21. 


ii 


A CURE 




FOR THE BLUES. 


BY 

JONATHAN JINKS, 

[THE MAN WITH THE IRON JAW.] 



5 


r 


PHILADELPHIA. 






Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1878, by 
HARRY L. TAGGART, ■ - 
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 





J. FAGAN * SON. 
STBREOTYI’E FOCNDERS, 
PHILAKELTIUA. 




'V 




Selheimer & Moore, Printers, 
501 Chestnut Street. 


PREFACE. 


T N offering this collection of the effusions of my 
-*■ prolific brain, I feel that I am supplying an 
existing necessity — at least, I hope so. I am not 
an egotist, but still I have a pretty good opinion 
of myself and my writings, and if the book does 
not succeed, the fault will lie with the public, not 
with me. If the readers don’t get the worth of 
their money out of this rich harvest of brains, they 
are hard to please. This is all I have to say. 

My chief object in issuing this attractive little 
volume is to supply the prevailing demand for 
light, humorous literature, and I feel confident, that 
as soon as the book is scattered broadcast through- 
out the land, there will be an immediate harvest of 
good deeds — murders will grow less frequent, sui- 
cides will cease, and people will stop stealing things 


VI 


PREFACE. 


out of their reach. In fact, this wicked country- 
will begin to think that the millennium has come. 
Then I shall feel that my efforts have not been 
entirely without reward. 

In this connection it is proper to add that I am 
the only and original “ Man with the Iron Jaw,” 
of the Philadelphia Sunday Times, and all others 
writing under that title are frauds and imitators. 

With this precaution, I submit these pages to the 
reader, with a firm and steadfast confidence in their 
success. 

The public’s humble servant. 


Jonathan Jinks. 


CONTENTS. 


PAGE 

A Chapter for the M. D.’s, 9 

Mrs. Spriggins at the Opera, .... 29 

Blue Laws in a Boarding-House, . . . .40 

A Rough and Ready Sweetheart 55 

A Case for the Teetotalers, 68 

Love on the Brandywine, 84 

Candler’s Centennial Cousins, . . . . 103 

The Trials OF A Latter-Day Saint, . . . .118 

My Gallantries AT THE Sea-side, .... 134 

Jinks JOINS THE Knights-Templars, . . . .151 
The Evils of a Mock Marriage, . . . . 160 

Major Jones and the Madam, 171 

Life among the Mock Quality 188 

Tricks of a Sewing-Machine Agent, . . .202 

vii 


' V r 

* T * 







* 








» % 


\ • 


^ . * 

. ^ 1 - - - 1 . 




I ^ - 


‘•L 





A CURE FOR THE BLUES 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M.D.’S. 


MR. JINKS IS WAITED UPON BY A YOUNG DOCTOR, WHO 
WISHES TO ENGAGE HIS PARLOR AS AN OFFICE — THEY 
COME TO TERMS — THE YOUNG PHYSICIAN RELATES TO 
JINKS HIS EXPERIENCE — THE DOCTOR HANGS OUT HIS 

SIGN A PATIENT CALLS, AND JINKS GOES AFTER THE 

PHYSICIAN — Jonathan’s experience in the book- 
bindery — THEY VISIT THE PATIENT — JINKS PUTS THE 
DOCTOR THROUGH A COURSE OF SPROUTS — HOW THEY 
HUMBUGGED THE AFFLICTED — JINKS TRIES HIS MAG- 
NETIC POWERS ON THE DOCTOR’S CALLERS — THE RUSH 
OF CUSTOMERS — HOW THE AFFAIR ENDED. 

I WAS seated in the parlor of my residence last Mon- 
day morning, reading a newspaper, when there came 
a ring at the door-bell. As the servant was busy in 
the kitchen, I answered the summons myself. Opening 
the street door, I discovered a tall, gawky-looking young 
man, with straight black hair and a struggling goatee, 
standing on the front step. He wore a faded silk hat, 

9 


10 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


and was dressed in a suit of sombre black. At the first 
glance, I mistook him for a preacher, but I soon found 
out my mistake. 

“Excuse me, sir,” said he, with an affable smile, 
slightly touching his hat. “ This is Mr. Jonathan Jinks, 
I presume ? ’ ’ 

“Yes, sir,” said I, “ that is my name,” 

“Mr. Jinks,” he said, “I understand that you have 
rooms to rent in your house, and I have called to see if I 
could secure your parlor as an office.” 

“What is your business?” I inquired. 

“I am a physician, sir,” he replied, with an air of 
much importance. “My name is Pills — Dr. Pills — 
David^ Dudley Pills, M. D.” 

“Where have you been practising. Dr. Pills?” I in- 
quired. 

“Well, to tell you the truth, Mr. Jinks,” said he, “I 
am only a beginner. I graduated last week. I had a 
tough squeeze to get through, but I accomplished it ; and 
I flatter myself I am now as good a doctor as any man in 
the country. I did think of getting into the almshouse 
as a physician, on account of the practice I would gain 
there, but they pay no salary, and I must earn* something 
to buy my clothes. You see, I have a trade to work at 
until I get into practice. I am a bookbinder, and am 
now working in a bindery in Philadelphia. I could get 
a position as surgeon in the navy, but I don’t like that 
kind of life. I ’ll have to battle it out here until I get 
established.” 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M. D.’S. 


II 


“Well, young man,” said I, “walk in, and we’ll talk 
about the matter.” 

I conducted him into the parlor. He took a seat on 
the sofa, and gazed around the room, evidently admiring 
its magnificence. 

“Now, sir,” said I, “how high a figure can you stand 
in rent? ” 

“ Not very high,” said he. “I have to pay my way 
out of my weekly wages.” 

“ I ’ll tell you what I ’ll do,” I remarked. “ I see you 
are an ambitious young fellow, desirous of getting along 
in the world, and I like you for it. I ’ll let you hang your 
shingle on my house, and entertain your patients in my 
P^lor, for three dollars a week for the first three months. 
If you have any success at the expiration of that time, you 
must pay more. Rent invariably in advance. If it ’s a 
bargain, fork over the money, and I ’ll give you a re- 
ceipt.” 

He gave me a week’s rent. I gave him the receipt. 

“Mr. Jinks,” said he, “I feel as if I had begun busi- 
ness in earnest. Have you a foot-rule or a tape-measure 
about the house? ” 

“ Why do you ask, my dear sir? ” 

“ Because I wish to take the measure of your window- 
sill for my tin sign. I have resolved to have my sign 
painted on tin, in gold letters. It only costs two dollars 
and a quarter that way. A fine metallic sign, such as I 
would like to have, if I could afford it, will cost nine 
dollars. But I have spent so much money, I am almost 


12 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


bankrupt. My diploma alone cost me thirty dollars, and 
I suppose it will cost five dollars more to frame it.” 

I loaned him a foot-rule, and he took the measure. He 
then left, and I saw no more of him until Thursday morn- 
ing, when he arrived in a glow of pleasure, and looking 
as hurried and dignified as if he were fairly run down 
with practice. In one hand he carried his tin sign, and 
in the other a long, narrow tin case. 

“What have you got there?” I inquired. 

“This? Oh, this is my diploma,” said he. “They 
always come wrapped up in these long tin boxes. You 
can look at it if you want to; but hang me if I can make 
out what it means, although I am a doctor, for it is all in 
Latin. The only word I can distinguish is ‘ Omnibus..’ 
What in thunder an omnibus has got to do with the medi- 
cal profession, is what I can’t find out. And then it calls 
me Davido Dudlio Pillio — instead of David Dudley Pills. 
However, it is an invaluable thing for a doctor to have 
about the house.” 

I went out with him and helped him put up his sign. 
Then we went across the street to see if we could read 
it at that distance. This is what it said : 


DAVID DUDLEY PILLS, M. D. 



“Of course I won’t be in my office at those hours,” 
said the doctor, “ but it looks more business-like to have 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M. D.’s. 


13 


them on the sign. Now, Mr. Jinks, I must hurry back to 
the bindery. I have lost now three hours from work. If 
any patients call, please tell them to wait, or else send 
around after me if it is a very important case.” 

So saying, he hurried away. 

“ Poor fellow ! ” thought I. “ He will have to wait a 
long while before I shall be forced to send for him.” 

I was mistaken, however. On that very day, a short 
time after dinner, the servant-girl came to me in the 
library, and said a lady, living across the street, wished 
to see Dr. Pills. Wishing to aid the young man all in my 
power, I went down myself to attend to the case. 

An Irish servant-girl was waiting at the door. 

“ Is Dr. Pills in ? ” she asked, as I approached. 

No, miss,” said I, thinking to help the young man; 
“ the doctor was called out over an hour ago to attend a 
very severe case. The patient was lying in the jaws of 
death, with six physicians attending him, and it was re- 
solved to send for Dr. Pills as a last resort. There is a 
great demand for his services, and the poor fellow is 
almost worked to death.” 

“Sure, sir,” said the girl, civilly, “misses says will 
you send him over to the house as soon as he comes? ” 

“I certainly shall,” said I. “Who is your mistress? 
Where does she live? ” 

“It is Mrs. Brindle,” replied the girl. “She lives 
over the way there at No. 925.” 

When she was gone, the idea occurred to me that, if 
I waited until the Doctor returned from his work, Mrs. 


2 


14 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

Brindle might get impatient, and send for another physi- 
cian. So, in the goodness of my heart (I am one of the 
most thorough-going fellows in the world when I am med- 
dling with anybody else’s business), I put on my hat and 
coat, and set oif at a full trot for the bookbindery where 
the Doctor was at work. 

In my excitement, I hurried up into the fifth story, and 
the first thing I knew I was in the midst of about a hundred 
and fifty girls of all ages, from the wild, romping little 
apprentice of fifteen, to the staid old maid and demure 
widow of forty-five and fifty. Most of these older ladies 
were seated at long, low tables, stitching cords to the 
backs of books, while the younger ones were rapidly 
folding the huge sheets into pages by the aid of ivory 
knives. There were only two men in the room. One 
was placing the unsewed sheets under a huge machine, 
which came down with a thump and pressed them into 
a more compact form, while the other man was sawing 
creases into the backs of the sheets by the aid of small 
circular saws, which whizzed around like lightning. Be- 
tween the dreadful racket of this machinery and the 
chatter of the girls (all of whom seemed to be narrating 
love stories they had read in some weekly story-paper), 
there was noise enough almost to raise the dead. 

“My goodness, girls!” said I, advancing into the 
middle of the room, “is this the kind of racket you keep 
up? You do more talking than the bedlamites.” 

There was a general laugh at this, and more than one 
fair creature gazed at me with real admiration expressed 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M. D.’s. 


15 


in her countenance. Poor girls ! Isolated in that remote 
region, and kept busily bent, hour after hour, upon their 
monotonous labor, they did not often see a handsome 
man, and the sight of me must have been like a gleam of 
paradise to them. 

There was a general murmur of “ Oh, isn’t he nice ! ” 
“ I wonder if he is married ? ” “I guess he is an actor — 
he looks like one.” “Talk about style, ain’t he got up 
fine? Just look at the fit of his pantaloons ! ” and other 
expressions that would have made a less sensitive man 
than I blush. 

At that moment, a buxom, rosy-faced lady of about 
forty, whom I judged to be the fore-lady, approached me, 
and in a very sweet and pleasant, yet authoritative voice 
asked : 

“ Who is it you wish to see, sir ? ” 

“I came to see Dr. Pills, madam,” said I, bowing 
politely. “But, bless my eyes, if I see anybody here 
but pretty girls. I had no idea I was entering such a 
paradise when I came up-stairs.” 

“Dr. Pills?” said the lady, eyeing me doubtfully. 
“There is no such person here.” 

“ He means Dave Pills,” said one of the girls, coming 
forward. “ Dave studied for a doctor, and just graduated 
last week.” 

“ What, is Dave Pills a doctor? ” asked a dozen of the 
girls in chorus. 

“ I ’d never have him if I was sick,” said one. 

“I would,” said another, “if I had the toothache.” 


l6 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

Not wishing to hear any more personal remarks about 
my friend, I found on inquiry that Mr. Pills was at work 
on the next floor below; so I repaired thither. 

I found him hard at work making cloth cases for the 
backs of books by the aid of a brass rule and a glue 
brush. He was so busy that I had to speak to him twice 
before he heard me. 

Hello, Doctor ! ” I shouted, “ don’t you see a fellow? 
I have come for you. Your first patient has arrived.” 

“The devil you say! ” said the Doctor, turning ten 
different colors, for the news was so sudden. “Already? 
Who is it ? Did you tell ’em to wait ? Deuce take me, 
if I ain’t all in a tremble.” 

“ It is a lady,” said I ; “she lives nearly opposite our 
house. No doubt it is a severe case, for she was very 
urgent that you should call immediately.” 

“Maybe it is a child-birth. Doc,” said one of his 
fellow- workmen, who had overheard our conversation. 

At this suggestion, the Doctor almost turned a somer- 
sault with delight. He hurried to the wash-house, and 
soon re-appeared, dressed for the street. As we were 
going down-stairs, almost every man in the shop threw 
his boots after the Doctor for good luck. 

On reaching our street, the Doctor, who was very ner- 
vous, begged that I would accompany him to the lady’s 
residence, as he felt his courage giving way. 

“You see it is no trifling matter, Mr. Jinks,” said he. 
“It was hard enough to answer some of those tough 
questions the professors asked me, but when it comes to 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M. D.’s. 


17 


putting this medical learning into practice, it is a thousand 
times worse. Now, that we are nearing the house, I hope 
the lady has only got the stomach-ache, or the mumps, or 
something like that. I wouldn’t, really, like to tackle 
anything serious at the first start off. ’ ’ 

When we had reached the step, and I had pulled the 
bell, I had the greatest difficulty in the world in keeping 
the Doctor from running away. 

“Let go of my coat-tail. Jinks,” he pleaded. “I can 
never go through with it. Suppose that woman is about 
to become a mother, or has lost a limb, or has a fever, or 
the small-pox, or violent internal pains, what in the mis- 
chief would I do? I might give her something that 
would kill her.” 

“Nonsense, my dear fellow,” said I. “All you want 
is reliance in yourself. Come, be a man ! face the music ! 
put on cheek ! That is the way to get through the world. 
You ’ve got your living to make, but you ’ll never make it 
with this diffidence. Make believe you ’re overrun with 
patients, and have had years of experience.” 

My advice was cut short by the servant opening the door. 
It was then too late for the Doctor to retreat. He fol- 
lowed me into the entry, and we were led up-stairs, where, 
in a back second-story room, sat a short, fat, oldish lady 
reclining in an easy-chair, and reading “Fox’s Book of 
Martyrs.” 

“Madam,” said I, politely, “this is my friend, Dr. 
Pills, whom you sent for. He is a stranger in the neigh- 
borhood, and I thought I would bring him over, intro- 
2* B 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


I8 • 


duce, and recommend him to you. Oh, he is a capital 
doctor ? He looks young, but he has had large experience. 
Why, madam, that man has been among more broken 
limbs, and cramps, and fevers, than would fill a hospital.” 

“Who are you?” inquired the old lady, quite inter- 
ested. “ Are you a doctor, too ? ” 

“No, madam,” said I; “I am a neighbor of yours, 
^ly name is Jinks. I live across the street.” 

“Doctor, I suppose you feel pretty tired. How many 
cases have you had this morning?” I asked, giving him 
the wink. 

“Twenty-two,” faltered the Doctor. 

“Phew! Jupiter Pluvius ! ” I exclaimed; “and your 
list extends within a radius of two miles. No wonder 
your poor horse was almost dead from exhaustion. It is 
strange the people up-town can’t trust their local doctors 
— that they must send away down here for you. How 
about that murder case? Is the Coroner satisfied?” I 
asked, in a mysterious way. 

“ Oh, quite 1 ” said the Doctor, totally at sea as to my 
meaning. 

“It is very strange,” said I, “that they can’t trust to 
the city physician. Why should they solicit your opinion 
on every important case? It’s outrageous! The idea 
of calling a man like you away from your immense private 
practice to dilly-dally over these public affairs, to say 
nothing of the labor involved in your delivering two 
clinical lectures every day at the University of Pennsyl- 
vania ! You have no idea, madam, how hard this young 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M. D.’S. 


19 


man is worked. He must have the constitution of a mule 
to stand it. But, bless my eyes ! here I am talking away, 
and keeping the Doctor from his business.” 

I winked at the Doctor to get his work in. It took 
him a couple of minutes before he could get his heart out 
of his throat, so as to use his voice. Then he advanced 
timidly, hat in hand. 

“Excuse me, madam,” said he, faintly. “I understand 
that you need medical attendance.” 

I got behind and nudged him. 

“Go in boldly,” I whispered. “Feel her pulse, old 
boy; open her mouth and look down her throat, or she ’ll 
think you ’re a humbug.” 

The Doctor, in sheer desperation, obeyed me. He 
seized her wrist, felt her pulse, though the old lady tried 
to free her hand, and then seizing her by her upper and 
under jaw, stretched her mouth wide open and took a 
critical survey of the cavity. 

“It is something like the’ typhoid fever,” said- the 
Doctor, so wild he did n’t know what he was saying. 

At this information the old lady uttered a shriek. 

“Is it possible,” she cried, “that I am sick? Why, 
Doctor, I only sent for you out of curiosity. I have my 
own family physician. I wanted to see what kind of a 
Doctor had moved into the street. That was all. I 
didn’t know there was anything the matter with me.” 

“It is a lucky thing for you, madam,” said I, “that 
the Doctor has called so opportunely. But fear not, you 
are in safe hands. He had thousands of cases of this 


20 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


fever in the South last summer. Doctor, what shall we 
do with the lady? The old remedy — a hot salt bath,_ 
with vinegar and Cayenne pepper in it?” 

“Yes,” said the Doctor, his senses almost lost with 
fear and excitement. “ I guess that is the best cure.” 

So I called the servants, told them how to prepare the 
bath, and then hustled the old lady off to the bath- 
room. 

“ What are you going to do. Jinks?” asked the Doctor. 
“You worried me into saying what Idid. There is nothing 
the matter with that woman.” 

“ I know that,” said I; “ the bath won’t hurt her any. 
It will only smart a little. Before we go, write her out a 
prescription in Latin for some licorice-water, or something 
else harmless, collect your fee and take your leave. She ’ll 
think you have snatched her from the jaws of death, and 
very probably will make you her family physician. But 
don’t take any dollar fees. Doc. Stick her for ten dollars, 
if you can. She is able to pay it.” 

When they doused the old lady into the bath, she yelled 
loud enough to take the shingles off the roof, and then 
moaned and prayed for five minutes. After that they put 
on her night-clothes and placed her in bed. 

The Doctor had his prescription written. He took it 
in to his patient, said he guessed the crisis was now over, 
and stated that his fee for this visit was ten dollars. The 
subsequent visits would be half price. He came out 
.smiling, with a ten-dollar bill in his hand. 

“ Jinks,”‘said he, “I’d have never thought of humbug- 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M. D.’s. 


21 


ging that woman, if you had n’t set me up to it. How 
eleverly you managed it ! ” 

“Pooh, pooh, my dear boy,’’ said I; “that is nothing. 
Two-thirds of the doctors in this city live by humbugging 
their patients. It only requires a show of medical expert- 
ness to get along. I know little or nothing about medi- 
cine, yet I venture to say that in your absence I could 
attend to your patients, collect the fees, and they would 
actually go away believing that I am the equal of Pan- 
coast or Gross. In fact, if any of your patients call in 
your absence, I am going to attend to them myself.’’ 

The Doctor laughed, thinking I was joking. But I was 
really in earnest. The next day, after he had gone to 
work, a young lady called to see him. She was a beauti- 
ful creature, of about seventeen years of age, and I was 
quite charmed at the first sight. 

“ Is Dr, Pills in? ” she asked, sweetly. 

“Yes, miss,’’ said I, telling a lie for the first time in 
my life. “I am he.’’ 

I could see that she was favorably impressed. I led her 
into the parlor, seated her on the sofa, and took my place 
beside her. 

“ Now, my dear young lady,’’ I inquired, “what can I 
do for you? ’’ 

“ I have a dreadful pain in my mouth,’’ said she, point- 
ing to her cheek. 

“Ah?’’ said I; “let me look, if you please.’’ 

I placed my arm behind her, gently drew her lovely 
head on my shoulder, opened her mouth, and glanced in. 


22 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ I see what it is ” said I ; “it is merely a local irrita- 
tion. Some physicians would give you medicine, but I 
will not. I believe in the healing influence of magnetism. 
You see, I am a strong, powerful man, full of magnetic 
force, with not a pain in my whole organization. You, 
on the contrary, are a weak, fragile, delicate girl — the 
prey for all manner of pains and aches. Now, we’ll try 
if we cannot communicate some of my strength to your 
weakness.’’ 

So I drew her gently, tenderly to me, and clasped her 
in my strong embrace, at the same time placing my cheek- 
against hers, where she said the pain was. She seemed to 
like the cure immensely, and, after a few minutes, her 
feelings became so wrought upon that she threw her soft, 
delicate, well-moulded arm convulsively about my neck, 
and clung to me as if she were drowning. I could not 
resist the impulse of imprinting a friendly kiss on her 
chaste, rosy lips. 

“There, my dear,’’ said I, fearful my wife would come 
in and raise trouble. “I think you are better. Does 
your mouth ache you now? ’’ 

“ Not in the least, sir,’’ said she, her face as crimson as 
a peach ; the bright red color even reaching to the roots 
of her hair. “You have effected a perfect cure. Oh ! 
ain’t it nice to be magnetized? I was afraid it would 
hurt me ; but, on the contrary, I was never so happy in 
all the days of my life. What is your fee. Dr. Pills? ’’ 

“Five dollars, miss,’’ said I, seeing by her dress and 
bearing that" she was able to pay it. “ I only charge one 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M.D.’S. 23 

dollar for advice where I give a prescription ; but this 
imparting nervous force preys more or less on my own 
good health, and I have to ask more to compensate for 
the danger I run,” 

“Oh,” said she, drawing forth a dainty pocket-book, 
“I think it is quite cheap. Dr. Pills. There are several 
other girls in our boarding-school who have been com- 
plaining of feeling sick, I will send them to you.” 

“ Thank you, miss,” said I. “ Perhaps I can find time 
to attend to your companions, though I am so run down 
with business that I scarcely have time to take my 
meals.” 

After she had gone I put the money in my pocket, and 
thought no more of the matter until about twenty minutes 
afterwards, when there came another ring at the door-bell. 
Thinking it might be a patient, I attended in person. 
Two pretty young girls, of about the same age as the first 
one who had called, were standing on the front steps. 

“ Is this Dr. Pills?” asked one of them, 

“That is my name, ladies,” said I. “Walk in.” 

“ Doctor,” said one of the girls, on entering the parlor, 
“ we are both sick. Can you cure us ? ” 

“ I hope so, my dear girls. What is the trouble ? ” 

“We have both got a violent headache,” said one. 
“ Mine throbs as if a blacksmith were beating it.” 

“Well, ladies,” said I, “I’ll have to give you some 
castor-oil, I guess ! ” 

“Oh, Doctor! ” cried both, entreatingly. 

“I can’t help it, ladies,” said I. “Headache comes 


24 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


from a disordered liver, and there is no remedial agent 
that acts on the liver so quickly as the castor-bean.” 

•“ But, Doctor, we thought you were going to magnetize 
us. You did Rosamond Lee this morning, when she 
called. That is what we came after.” 

I saw I was in for it, so I took my seat between them 
on the sofa, and placing my right arm around one and 
my left around the other, I magnetized them both in less 
than five minutes. Of course, I charged them five dollars 
each for their foolishness. 

When my friend, the young Doctor, called at noon- 
time, I placed the fifteen dollars I had received into his 
hands. At first, he didn’t want to take it, saying the 
money belonged to me ; but I insisted on his accepting it.. 

“ By the way, my dear fellow,” said I, “ it would n’t be a 
bad idea for you to stay at home this afternoon and attend 
to your office. I would n’t be a bit surprised if every girl 
in that boarding-school would call to be magnetized before 
the day is over.” 

“I could never do it, Mr. Jinks,” said the young Doc- 
tor, blushing. “ I could never put on cheek enough to 
go on in that way with strange girls.” 

- “Then I ’ll tell you what we ’ll do,” said I. “ I feel 
it in my bones that there is going to be a rush of patients 
this afternoon. We ’ll divide the labor. You attend the 
door, and entertain the callers in the front room, while I 
sit in the back parlor and magnetize the patients one by 
one. We ’ll divide the gross proceeds.” 

The Doctor willingly agreed to this, and remained ab- 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M.D.’S. 2$ 

sent from the bindery that afternoon. I was not mistaken 
in my calculations. Half an hour before the Doctor’s 
announced office hour, the patients began to assemble in 
the front parlor. At two o’clock I peeped in, and there 
were actually ten young girls, two middle-aged ladies, and 
one old maid waiting to get magnetized. I went into the 
back parlor, and at a preconcerted signal of a bell the 
first patient was sent into me. 

I spent exactly three minutes on each case. I wished 
to hurry things through. The pretty girls I smothered 
with kisses, but the old ladies I merely pressed warmly to 
my bosom, waved my hand pantomimically across their 
faces, and let them go. When the old maid came, I stood 
off at a respectful distance, and waved my hand at her. 

About every half minute there would come a fresh ring 
at the door-bell. I had not anticipated such a rush of 
patients. The news of my healing qualities had spread 
like wild-fire. They came from all quarters — young girls 
and old women, rich and poor — in fine silks and tattered 
garments. I demanded five dollars from each one, and 
soon the pile of bank-notes and silver began to mount on 
the table before me in astonishing proportions. 

I began to get tired of embracing so many women. 
The young and pretty ones I did n’t mind, but the old, 
ugly, and dirty ones I abominated. I called the Doctor 
aside and told him we had done business enough for one 
day ; I was tired out. The perspiration was running from 
me like a stream. But he entreated me to keep on. 

“Only keep at it half an hour longer. Jinks,” said he; 

3 


26 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ that is all I ask. We’ll make our fortunes. We must 
have taken in over five hundred dollars.” 

So, for his sake, I went to work again I treated three 
more patients, but the fourth one stopped any more medi- 
cal treatment for that day; for, as true as I live, the fourth 
patient was a strapping big colored lady, who looked as 
if she hailed from that region known as Africa, in the 
southern section of the city. 

“Well, my good woman,” I inquired, considerably 
astonished, “what do you want?” 

“Doctor,” said she, “I’se got an awful pain here in 
my innards. Feels as if dar was a rattlesnake in dar 
bitin’ big hunks out of me.” 

“My good woman,” said I, “the best thing you can 
do is to hunt up an apothecary or some gratuitous phy- 
sician. My fee is five dollars, and I judge that is a trifle 
more than you are able to spare. ’ ’ 

“No it ain’t, boss,” said the colored lady, reaching 
down into her stocking for some bank-bills. “It’s a 
pretty good pull at de cash account, I know, but I guess 
I ’se able to stand it. Dey say you magnetize a pusson 
so nice, and I was determined to hab some of it, if I had 
to pawn eberything in de house.” 

“But, madam,” said I, “I don’t want to magnetize 
you. ’ ’ 

“Why not?” she inquired, standing on her dignity. 
“Does you object on ’count of my color? Hab a care, 
sail ! Recomember dar am cibil rights in dis yar country. 
Jes’ you refuse to gib me de same privileges dat you gib 


A CHAPTER FOR THE M.D.’S, 


27 


de white women, and I ’ll march you right before a United 
States Commissioner dis bery day. It will be a hundred 
dollars out of your pocket, recomember dat, boss; but 
you ’ll hab to pay it afore you ’re done wid me.” 

I saw I was in for it. What was I to do ? If I refused 
to magnetize her, she would, without doubt, have me 
arrested for violating the civil rights bill, and then the 
whole plot would be exposed, and I would be held up to 
the ridicule of the whole city. 

I saw there was but one way out of the scrape, and that 
was to magnetize her. So I shut my eyes, rushed wildly 
at her, and folded her huge form in my embrace. I 
never knew magnetism to affect anybody as it did that 
colored lady. She was rampant with excitement, and 
threw her dusky arms about my neck, and squeezed me 
until I could scarcely get my breath. 

“Oh! Dr. Pills!” she shouted, “dat’s nice! Oh, 
dat is lubly ! Oh, Dr. Pills ! oh, you is nice ! Oh, Doc- 
tor ! Doctor ! Doctor ! Doctor ! ’ ’ 

She was silent. She could say no more. She fell in 
a dream of delirium, her head resting on my shoulder, 
her wool sticking in my face, and her breath smelling 
something like a whole barrel of salt codfish and onions. 

I let her drop on the floor instanter, but, at that mo- 
ment, I discovered that my white patients, attracted by 
the noise, had rushed in a body into the room, and now 
stood almost transfixed with astonishment. Then there 
arose a general murmur of dissatisfaction. 

“It isn’t respectable!” shouted one lady. “The 


28 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


idea / Colored patients ! I thought this was a high- 
toned establishment ! ’ ’ 

And with that they all flounced out of the room. Our 
business was ruined. That infernal wench had destroyed 
all the tone of our establishment ; as soon as she revived, 
I walked her to the door, and bade her good-bye. She 
was in the best of spirits, and promised to send around 
several of her colored friends, but I thanked her, saying 
I was about to retire from the business. 

That was the last of my medical experience, and I per- 
suaded the Doctor that, as I had ruined the business for 
him in that street, he had better move. He thought sc, 
too, and the next day he took down his sign and re- 
moved to South Carolina. He had been informed that 
the residents of that locality were afflicted with “bull- 
dozing,” and he had an idea that some business could be 
picked up from this practice. 

However, we had made a good afternoon’s work, net- 
ting over a hundred and twenty-five dollars for each of 
us — a nice little start for my young friend to begin with. 
So much for humbug in medicine ! 


MRS. SPRIGGINS AT THE OPERA. 


MR. JINKS DRAWS AN ANALYSIS BETWEEN MR. AND MRS. 
SPRIGGINS — HOW SPRIGGINS OFFERS TO TAKE HIS WIFE 
TO THE OPERA — SCENES AT THE ACADEMY — MRS. SPRIG- 
GINS’S DIFFICULTY WITH HER NEIGHBORS — HER ECCEN- 
TRICITIES WITH THE OPERA-GLASSES — HER COMMENTS 
ON “ FRA DIAVOLO ” — THE COLLECTION FOR THE BENE- 
FIT OF THE PRIMA DONNA — MRS. SPRIGGINS DEPARTS IN 
DISGUST. 

M r. SPRIGGINS was a gentleman of aesthetic tastes 
and quiet habits, but unfortunately he married 
into a family more noted for their goodness of heart than 
refinement in manners. Mr. Spriggins admired books, 
the fine arts, and the opera. Mrs. Spriggins thought 
more of the substantial of life, was proud of boasting 
that she preferred her kitchen to her parlor, and would 
fly into a passion every time her husband picked up a 
book to read. When Spriggins would sometimes talk of 
bringing home a pet canary, to warble in their dining- 
room, Mrs. Spriggins would say she preferred a fine big 
turkey, that she might stuff and roast it. 

“We can’t live on canaries,” she would remark. 
“ Turkeys we can eat. You are the biggest fool of a man 
3* 29 


30 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


I ever saw. Your head is always full of these moonshine 
notions. I ’m sure you ’d starve if it was n’t for me.” 

“But, my dear,” he said, one day, in answer to this 
objection, “ if you won’t let me have music at home, 
won’t you go with me this evening to the opera? ” 

“What on earth’s an opera?” asked Mrs. Spriggins, 
in astonishment. 

“It is a theatrical performance in which the words are 
all spoken, or sung, to music. I know you will enjoy 
yourself. It is at the Academy of Music. You ought to 
go, if only to get a sight of the immense hall. Why, my 
dear, the chandelier is as big as this room, and there are 
so many galleries, that to be in the highest one is like 
looking out of a balloon. Then the stage is so large that 
it appears like an immense parade-ground, while the ladies 
who visit the opera wear some of the finest dresses ever 
imported into this country.” 

“I’ll bet you twenty-five cents,” said Mrs. Spriggins, 
“if I go to that opera, I ’ll dress as good as the best of 
’em. I guess that black silk I got when daddy died will 
take the shine out of anything they can trot out.” 

“Mrs. Spriggins, when will you cease using those slang 
expressions? And, for heaven’s sake, don’t speak of your 
revered father as your daddy ! It is too low. Remember, 
none but people of refinement go to the opera; and if you 
use any such expressions there, the finger of derision 
would be pointed at you.” 

“I’d like to see any of them point their fingers at me,” 
said Mrs. Spriggins, bristling up. “ I ’d slap ’em in the 


MRS. SPRIGGINS AT THE OPERA. 3I 

mouth. I don’t take sass from anybody. All their fine 
feathers and fine manners can’t frighten this chicken. I 
wasn’t born in the woods to be scared by owls.” 

“ Mrs. Spriggins, will you ever learn?” 

“Yes, Anthony Spriggins, I know all about it. You’re 
ashamed of me, ain’t you? But you’ve invited me to 
the opera, and I ’m going. I ’d go if the tickets were 
fifty cents apiece ! ” 

“Fifty cents, my dear ! The seats I ’ve bought are two 
dollars each.” 

“Spriggins, you’ll die in the poor-house. Haven’t 
you any more sense than to spend money so recklessly ? 
Four dollars for two tickets ! That is enough to buy us a 
barrel of flour. But as the tickets are bought, I suppose 
we ’ve got to use them. Did you buy Sammy a ticket?” 

Sammy was their only boy, an enterprising youth of 
nine summers. 

“No, Mrs. Spriggins; I forgot all about Sammy.” 

“ Just like you ! Much fun the poor child would see 
if it wasn ’t for me. Never mind ! Sammy shall go and 
sit on my lap. At what hour does the concern toot up?” 

“The opera commences at eight o’clock.” 

“All right. Sammy and I will be on hand. I’ll 
bring him in now and get him ready. Where on earth is 
that Sam ? Laws sakes ! there he is, as usual. Out there 
with Wilt’s boys, making a model of Fairmount dam in 
the mud -gutter.” 


“ Is this what you call the opera? ” asked Mrs. Sprig- 


32 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


gins, after taking their comfortable seats in the Acad- 
emy. 

“Yes, Mrs. Spriggins; but you must speak in a lower 
tone of voice. You ’ll disturb the people around you.” 

“I don’t care for the people. I didn’t come here to 
please them. When will the play begin ? ” 

“ As soon as the curtain goes up, my dear.” 

“I wish they’d hurry. Sammy, don’t be so fidgety. 
Sit down in that seat until somebody conies to take it, 
then you can sit on your pop’s lap. Do you want a stick 
of candy, Sam ? ’ ’ inquired Mrs. Spriggins, taking a small 
confectionery establishment from her caba. 

“ Good heavens, Mrs. Spriggins! Don’t take that candy 
out in here. You ’ll have everybody laughing at us.” 

“I don’t care, let them laugh; I guess it won’t hurt 
me any. You don’t think I ’m going to sit here all the 
evening with nothing to eat, do you?” And Mrs. Sprig- 
gins took out a large apple, and began eating it. 

Spriggins acted as if he were sitting on eggs. What 
added to his agitation was the following remark by a 
young lady who sat on the bench behind him : 

“What a vulgar creature ! I think the managers should 
deny all such persons admittance. Her conduct will mar 
all my enjoyment of the opera.” 

Mrs. Spriggins, too, overheard this remark. She was 
on the defensive instanter. 

“Are you talking about me, miss? If I thought you 
were, I’d pull that fine bonnet about your ears quicker 
than you can say Jack Robinson. I won’t take no sass 


MRS. SPRIGGINS AT THE OPERA. 


33 


off you ; no, nor none like you — you proud, stuck-up 
nincompoop. I ’ve a mind to box your ears, anyhow ! ” 

“Jerusalem! Mrs. Spriggins I ” said Mr. Spriggins, 
about to give way to unaccustomed profanity. “Will 
you be quiet? The officers will put you out, next.” 

“ I don’t care. I ’d like to see ’em try it. I ’d 
show ’em what I can do when I get raised. Do you 
think, Anthony Spriggins, that I ’m going to let that 
minx lord it over me ? I guess not, if the court knows 
herself. I ’ll give her as good as she sends, any day in 
the week ! ’ ’ 

The young ladies found they were getting the worst of 
the wordy battle, and discreetly retired to a few benches 
in the rear, much to Spriggins’s relief. Mrs. Spriggins, 
now and then, would turn and snarl at them, while Sammy 
Spriggins took his mother’s part by mounting the seat on 
his knees and making ugly grimaces at the enemy. 

Soon the orchestra tuned up, and then the vacant seats 
began to fill rapidly. An occupant came for Sammy’s 
seat, and that young gentleman spent the balance of the 
evening on his father’s knee. 

“Did you ever see the likes?” said Mrs. Spriggins. 
“ Look at them people staring all over the house through 
them spy-glasses ! ’ ’ 

“ Don’t call them spy-glasses, my dear ; they are opera- 
glasses. Don’t you know that much? ” 

“ I knew they were something of the kind. Therp 
people up there have no planners — staring right down 
here at us. I say you,” continued Mrs. Spriggins, ad- 

C 


34 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


dressing the lady who sat beside her, “ lend me your spy- 
glasses a minute, won’t you? I want to give them people 
up there a good stare. I’ll give them as good as they 
send.” 

Mrs. Spriggins took the glasses, but at first did not 
know how to use them. She was looking through the 
wrong end. ' 

“I can’t see with these darned things,” said she; 
“they make the people look about the size of rabbits.” 

“Excuse me, madam,” said the lady who had loaned 
the glasses; “you are looking through the wrong end. 
Try the little end ; you ’ll find them better.” 

“To be sure,” said Mrs. Spriggins, adjusting the 
glasses. “ What a blamed fool I am, to be sure. Ah, 
now I can see first rate. ’ ’ 

“Mom, won’t you let me see?” inquired Sammy, 
earnestly. 

“ Give me a chance to take a squint first, won’t you?” 
said his mother. “Don’t be so hoggish. You’re for 
all the world like your father. Lands alive ! Why, this 
concern brings them people up there as close to me as if 
they were on the next bench. That girl up there has 
a pug nose. There is nothing pretty about her. She 
needn’t look so sniptious around at the fellows. They 
don’t care nothing for her. Jiminy crackey ! Look at 
that old woman staring at me as if I was a rhinoceros. 
I guess she never saw anybody before.” 

“ Mrs. Spriggins, give the lady back her glasses. She 
wants to use them,” timidly suggested Mr> Spriggins. 


MRS. SPRIGGINS AT THE OPERA. 


35 


“ Oh ! excuse me,” said Mrs. Spriggins. ‘‘ I am sorry 
I kept you waiting. It is as good as a circus to look 
through them glasses in a crowd of people like this.” 

“Take your time, madam,” said the lady, politely. 
“I am in no hurry for them.” 

“Thank you. I ’ll do you a good turn some of these 
days. Here, take a pretzel,” said Mrs. Spriggins, diving 
into her caba after that German luxury. “ I brought a 
lot of these along, for fear we ’d get hungry. I always 
look out for my grub, you know.” 

“ You are very kind,” said the lady, “ but I do not like 
pretzels. ’ ’ 

“ Oh, you don’t ! Then have an apple, or a stick of this 
peppermint candy. It ’s good for the stomach-ache.” 

The lady blushed scarlet, smiled, and excused herself. 

“Well,” said Mrs. Spriggins, “some people seem to 
be born without appetite. You ’re like my Anthony, for 
all the world. If it wasn’t for me and Sammy, I don’t 
know how our victuals would ever be eat. Look ! They 
are raising the curtain. Look at them soger fellers on the 
stage ! They are going to sing ! Well, that’s bully ! I 
hope they ’ll sing something real nice. What is the name 
of this piece, Anthony?” 

“ Fra Diavolo, my love. Keep quiet and listen. You 
disturb the people.” 

“Ah! your grandmother! Is it something about the 
revolushun ? ” 

“ No ; the scenes are all laid in Italy. It is about the 
Italian banditti, or robbers.” 


36 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

‘‘Oh, Anthony ! are they going to have robbers on the 
stage? Some people are afeerd of robbers, but I never 
was. Laws sakes ! Look at that young gal cornin’ out 
among all them men. Ain’t she sniptious? Well, that’s 
impudence ! Did )'ou see her kiss that corporal ? I 
always thought I had a pretty good cheek on me, but 
bless me if I could kiss my own husband before a crowd 
like this. What is the music tooting up for? Is she 
going to sing? ” 

“Yes, my dear ; that is Zerlina, the heroine of the piece. 
She is Mrs. Jennie Van Zandt, the daughter of the late 
Signor Blitz.’’ 

“The mischief she is!” cried Mrs. Spriggins, in real 
surprise. “ I wish the Signor could come out and act a 
little. I ’d like Sammy to see them canary-birds. Then 
the way he made eggs disappear was astonishing. And 
throw his voice ! Why, he could talk in half a dozen 
different places at once 1 I wonder if his daughter ain’t 
going to throw her voice some? I like that better than 
singing.” 

“ No, my dear; this is an opera. Do keep quiet.” 

“ But won’t we see the canary-birds?” 

“Of course not! What would they do with canary- 
birds in an opera?” 

“ Well, I want to see some fun. I am tired of them 
outlandish, moonstruck tunes. Why don’t they give a 
couple of nigger songs? I would like to hear a good 
banjo solo. That would be worth listening to. Them 
sojers are all going off the stage. Who is that fellow 
with the side-whiskers? ” 


MRS. SPRIGGINS AT THE OPERA. 37 

“ That is Lord Allcash, and the pretty little lady with 
him is Lady Allcash.” 

“ He looks like an Englishman. Well, they are going 
to sing. Everybody in this place can’t walk two steps 
without singing. Ah, I like that song better. What ’s 
up! She’s giving him apiece of her mind, ain’t she? 
What is that she says ? ‘ I do object ? ’ She brings that 

out kinder pretty, don’t she? Sammy, that candy-juice 
is all running down your chin. Wipe it off with your 
sleeve. Goodness gracious I Who is that fellow coming 
on so mysterious-like? ” 

“That is Fra Diavolo, the robber chief.” 

“ He is the robber, is he ? Bah ! he would n’t frighten 
a mosquito. I ’d like to see him come any of his pranks 
around me ! Just look at him casting sheep’s eyes at that 
Mrs. Allcash. If he loves her, why don’t he speak out 
openly. That is what the women like. But then her 
husband might go gunning for him. Jiminy crackey I if 
they ain’t goin’ to give him some dinner. I ’d like to act 
in a piece where there was plenty of eatin’ in it. Don’t 
that fellow know how to handle a knife and fork ! It 
shows he has been well brought up. Sammy, why don’t 
you learn to eat like that robber gentleman on the stage ? 
See how pleasantly he puts them waffles and that beef- 
steak away, and then stops to talk between each mouth- 
ful, so his food will digest. Now, look at the wretch I 
After making all that fuss over Lady Allcash, he is making 
big mouths at the other gal — what did you say her name 
was? — I mean Signor Blitz’s daughter. Just as I ex- 
4 


38 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


pected, they are goin’ to sing again. There is that old 
harridan in the gallery pointin’ her glasses at me again. 
I wish I was aside of that woman — I’d make her ears 
burn for a w^eek ! Anthony, why are you looking so 
earnestly at that gal over there? I’ll go home; I 
wan’t allow this sort of thing. I’m gal enough for you. 
I want you to keep your eyes on the stage, or else go 
home. Now, look at that robber ! What is that he is 
singin’ ? Something about rocks. That ’s a kind of a 
spirited air, ain’t it? It would be a good tune for a pa- 
rade. Ah, there is something up ! Them soldiers is 
cornin’ back, ain’t they? They’ll catch that fellow. 
But it ’s no matter, if he ’s got plenty of money he ’ll get 
off. It ’s only the poor devils who steal chickens that 
get put in prison now-a-days. He ’d like that young gal 
to fly with him. She is a big fool if she does. These 
fancy robbers and gamblers soon get tired of a woman ; 
then she may go to grass and take care of herself. There 
comes the soldiers! Now I see how it is. That gal don’t 
care nothin’ about the robber. Her heart is set on that 
fancy little corporal with the red coat. Now they are 
singin’ again. Hello I here comes the curtain down. Is 
the play over ? ’ ’ 

Spriggins is generally a man of truth, but this time he 
told a lie. He was heartily ashamed of his wife’s beha- 
vior, and wanted to get her out of the Academy as quickly 
as possible. So, really, it was the end of the first act, but 
he told her it was the close of the play. 

“Yes, my dear, the play is over. Give the lady back 


MRS. SPRIGGINS AT THE OPERA. 39 

her glasses, and let us go.” (Mrs. Spriggins had retained 
the use of the glasses during the' entire act.) 

“ButVhat is the music playing for? and why don’t 
these people get up and go home?” 

“They are waiting for the collection,” said Spriggins. 
“It is customary, at the close of the opera, to pass around 
the basket, and everybody is expected to contribute some- 
thing, from twenty-five cents to five dollars, for the ben- 
efit of the prima donna.” 

“ Prima fiddlesticks! ” said Mrs. Spriggins, hastily get- 
ting up and hurrying on her shawl, and shoving Sammy’s 
hat down over his eyes. “ Come, Spriggins, let ’s get out 
of here. It is well enough to throw in a penny now and 
then in church, but to ask two dollars a seat to see an 
opera, and then pass around the basket, that is crowding 
on the mourners ! ” 

So, to Spriggins’s great relief, he had the satisfaction 
of escorting Mrs. Spriggins out of the Academy, and 
breathed freer when he reached the street. He never 
thinks of the events of that night without a shudder; 
while as to Mrs. Spriggins, she has not yet done berating 
the opera people about that collection. 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 


MR. JINKS SEES AN ODD ADVERTISEMENT FOR BOARDERS, 

AND ANSWERS IT TAKES UP HIS RESIDENCE WITH MRS. 

DR. CRANK — -THE RULES AND REGULATIONS OF THE 
HOUSE — THE HOUR FOR DINNER THE VOCAL BLESS- 

INGS AT TABLE — JINKS HAS A TALK WITH THE DOCTRESS 

ABOUT MEDICINE — THE AFFLICTIONS OF SAMMY OUR 

HERO ATTEMPTS TO SEDUCE THE LANDLADY’S HUSBAND 

INTO TAKING A DRINK, BUT IS UNSUCCESSFUL MEETS 

A JOVIAL FRIEND, AND A SURPRISE PARTY IS PROPOSED 

HOW THE PARLOR WAS TURNED TOPSY-TURVY — THE 
CARPETS TAKEN UP, AND DANCING IN MRS. CRANK* S 

ABSENCE HER SURPRISE ON HER RETURN — A CALL FOR 

THE POLICE HASTY FLIGHT OF THE SURPRISE PARTY 

OUT OF THE BACK ALLEY. 

O BSERVING the following advertisement, the other 
day, in a daily newspaper, I answered it out of 
curiosity ; 

“ A gentleman and wife, of unexceptionable habits, having a re- 
gard for good morals and the proprieties of life, and having no ob- 
jections to vocal blessings at table, can have a large, furnished second 
story front room, in a cultured, Christian family of refinement. No 
tobacco-chewers, rum-drinkers, nor users of profane language need 
apply. The best hours required, as we wish to have no man coming 

40 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 4I 

in at all hours of the night. To suitable parties a merely nominal 
board will be charged, as enlargement of our social circle is the only 
object in view. The house has gas, bath, and every convenience of 
modern invention. Apply to Mrs. Dr. Crank, — North Tenth 
Street.” 

Now, I am a strange sort of an individual. I am 
always seeking some new adventure. I was perfectly sat- 
isfied with the accommodations of my home, yet I had 
no sooner read this advertisement, and noted its peculi- 
arities, than I had a desire to fathom its mysteries. I 
showed the advertisement to Mrs. Jinks, and proposed 
that we should apply at once, and secure board with Mrs. 
Crank, 

Of course Mrs. Jinks objected. Women are always 
opposed to a change of any kind. But I used my influ- 
ence and authority, and in half an hour I had gained her 
consent to inquire about the new place. 

Jumping into a Ninth Street car, I rode up town, and 
soon reached Mrs. Dr. Crank’s residence. I found it a 
neat-looking, three-story dwelling, with the shutters and 
door covered with signs relating to the Doctress’s medical 
practice. I rang the bell, and a little, short, stumpy col- 
ored girl, in a dirty pinafore, came to the door. 

“ Is Mrs. Dr. Crank in? ” I inquired. 

“Yes, sah,” said the girl; “who shall I say it am?’’ 

“I called in reference to boarding,’’ said I. “Tell 
your mistress I wish to see her immediately.” 

Then the little girl led me into the parlor, which was 
so dark that I could scarcely see where I was going. 

4* 


42 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


Presently a tall, dark, rather masculine-looking lady, who, 
if she ever sees fifty years again, will, like Hamlet’s crab, 
have to take a crawl backwards, entered and lightened 
the room by opening the shutters a little. Then she ap- 
proached and took a seat on the sofa beside me. 

“ I understand you wish to see me in reference to my 
advertisement for boarders?” said she. 

“Yes, madam, I would like to talk on that subject, if 
you are at liberty.” 

“Well, I suppose you thoroughly understand the terms 
and restrictions as stated in my advertisement? Are you 
a Christian?” 

“ Oh, yes,” said I. “ I attend church three times every 
Sunday. It is the greatest pleasure I have in life.” 

Of course this was a falsehood, but I knew that if I 
didn’t get on the right side of her, she wouldn’t take 
me to board, and I would lose an important chapter in a 
very curious phase of life, for I could see her eccentrici- 
ties sticking out in her every action. 

“I am glad to hear it,” said she. “I prefer Christian 
people. Both my husband and myself are constant at- 
tendants of the Episcopal Church.. Are you an Episcor 
palian?” 

“Oh, no,” said I; “ I am a Methodist. I do a little 
local preaching sometimes. I prefer the Methodists on 
account of the noise they make.” 

“Well, I don’t mind a little shouting myself,” said 
she, “ if it is done out in the woods, or down by the sea- 
shore, where it won’t annoy anybody. You don ’t make 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 43 

much noise in the house when you are praying, do you ? 
I’d be sorry to interfere with any devotional exercises, 
but my nerves are so jarred and unstrung, that the least 
tumult or excitement sets me wild.” 

“ Oh, no,” said I, “ I do my praying in an undertone ; 
but if my religious feelings do get the best of me, I ’ll go 
up on the roof, and throw my voice down the chimney, 
where I won’t disturb anybody. You ’ll merely think 
it ’s the wind whistling.” 

“That will be perfectly satisfactory,” said she. “All 
I ask is, that you restrain yourself as much as you can. 
Of course, you neither smoke, chew, nor swear? ” 

“Madam,” said I, reprovingly, “how can you ask 
such a question ? ” 

“ I merely do so as a matter of form,” said she. “You 
do not keep late hours, do you? ” 

“ I am in bed every night by nine o’clock. My 
mother used to send me to bed immediately after supper, 
and I find it impossible to get out of the habit.” 

“I am glad of that. I would not have anybody com- 
ing in at late hours, for I am afraid of having the door 
fastened only with the dead-latch. You have nobody 
except yourself and wife, have you?” 

“Only a little shaver about six months old. He is one 
of the fixtures of the family, and we can ’t get rid of 
him.” 

“I don’t like that,” said the Doctress. “I hate chil- 
dren. They make so much noise, especially when they 
cry at night, and keep everybody awake. If you could 


44 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


put your child out of the way, I don’t know of anybody 
I ’d sooner take than you.” 

“It would be impossible to get rid of the youngster,” 
said I, “without my running the risk of getting into the 
penitentiary. There seems to be no place for children 
now except the graveyard. If you rent a house, or take 
rooms, or board, the first question asked is, ‘ Have you 
any children?’ Nobody wants any children around, and 
yet they come into the world every day, and thrive and 
grow in spite of all the opposition to them.” 

After a few moments’ reflection, Mrs. Crank said she 
would put up with the child if I would pledge my word 
to run a pillow down its throat every time it attempted to 
cry in the night. I readily gave her the pledge, and she 
consented to take me. The board was fixed at fourteen 
dollars a week, which she said was a very low figure, as 
she wouldn’t be bothered with anybody except a Chris- 
tian for less than thirty dollars a week. 

Well, we moved to our new boarding-house on last 
Wednesday morning. As it was raining at the time, I 
hired a carriage, and we drove to our new residence in 
style. Mrs. Jinks’s collection of Saratoga trunks making 
a visible impression on the neighbors, who came crowd- 
ing to the front windows to see who the new-comers were. 

Mrs. Dr. Crank was at the door to receive us. I was 
about to greet her courteously, when she snapped me off 
with : 

“Wipe your feet! Wipe your feet! My goodness! 
Don’t tramp all that mud into the house ! ” 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 45 

I saw she was a Tartar. I had anticipated having a 
lively time with her, and I was not disappointed. 

We were shown to our room. It was the second story 
front, and furnished with great care and taste. 

“ I have given you the best room in the house,” said 
the landlady, “and I expect you to take good care of it. 
The furniture in this room cost three hundred dollars, to 
say nothing of the curtains, and the paper on the wall. 
You would greatly oblige me if you would both take a 
bath before retiring to bed to-night, and have your night- 
shirts washed every day, as I would not have those sheets 
soiled for the world. If you will step down-stairs, you 
will find dinner is now ready for you. We have no one 
at home but my husband and I, and we eat at almost any 
hour it suits us. Sometimes we dine at twelve o’clock, 
sometimes at six, and we often get out of bed at two o’- 
clock in the morning, and come down-stairs to eat. As 
a physician, I believe food ought to be taken into the 
stomach whenever a person is hungry, and, therefore, I 
get dinner whenever I feel like it; and I expect you to be 
always ready when the bell rings.” 

“ But, madam, suppose you don’t get hungry for a 
couple of days, and don’t get any dinner? What are we 
to do — starve all that time ? ” 

“ Oh, no, sir; you will always find bread and butter in 
the larder ; and you can procure a piece at any time by 
applying to me or the servant, and going out-doors and 
eating it, as I never allow any grease in the house. I will 
announce dinner by ringing a bell three times. Breakfast 


46 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


is one bell, and supper is two. One thing I wish to re- 
mind you of. This bedroom is for sleeping alone. It is 
not for lounging or talking in. When you go to bed I 
shall expect you to leave your day-clothes on a chair in 
the hall, and, particularly, never enter the room with your 
boots on. During the day, when you are in the house, 
you can either sit in the parlor, or, if you desire to amuse 
yourself intellectually, you may enter my study. I have 
a fine collection of medical and theological works, aad if 
you have an inclination to improve your physical as well 
as spiritual self, you will always find me at your service. 
Patients are rather scarce just now, and I have plenty of 
time for conversation. Any question within my profes- 
sion about which you may feel in doubt, regarding disease 
or the formation of the body, I will answer readily and 
cheerfully.” 

So saying, she withdrew. 

“ What did you ever bring me to this place for? ” asked 
Mrs. Jinks, in high dudgeon, when Mrs. Crank had gone. 
“ Why, that woman is a regular catamount. We won’t 
be able to stir without her finding fault.” • 

“In fact, my dear,” I replied, “she is a little more 
than I bargained for ; but she is a variety, and that is the 
spice of life. That woman is a natural curiosity, and one 
week with her will afford more amusement and instruction 
than a year’s schooling.” 

Shortly after this the bell rang for dinner. On enter- 
ing the dining-room with Mrs. Jinks, I found the Doctress 
seated at the table, gazing complacently at a roast leg of 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 47 


mutton, while at her side sat a meek, humble-looking in- 
dividual, his hair whitened with the snows of sixty winters. 
She called him “ Sammy,” and I rightly judged him to be 
her husband. 

“ What did I understand you to say your name is?” 
inquired Mrs. Crank, as we took our seats. 

“ My name is Jinks,” I replied. 

“ Not Jonathan Jinks? ” she asked, her face aghast with 
alarm and excitement. 

I saw if I told the truth she would turn me out of the 
house, so I decided to resort to a little innocent decep- 
tion. 

“ Oh, no, madam,” said I, “ I ’m not that vile wretch. 
My name is Ebenezer Jinks — the Rev. Ebenezer Jinks. 
Shall I ask a blessing ? ’ ’ 

“ I have done away with the old style of table bless- 
ings,” said she. “They are too dull and monotonous. 
We use vocal blessings instead. I wrote it myself, and 
Sammy composed the music. Sanimy, are you ready ? ’ ’ 

At this the old fellow struck a music-fork on the table 
and conveyed it to his ear, then began to sing at the top 
of his voice, assisted by his wife in an upper register: 

“ Bless the meat and bless the taters, 

Bless the pork and beans, 

Bless the cook and bless the waiter, 

Bless the sugar and the cream.” 

The vocal blessing continued in this strain for such a 
length that, were it in type, it would fill several pages. 


48 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


The blessing embraced everything and everybody, even 
down to watermelons and your humble servant ! I tried 
to join in several times, but, not knowing the words, only 
threw the singers out of tune, and made confusion. As 
for Mrs. Jinks, she was bursting with laughter, and vainly 
stuffed her handkerchief into her mouth to prevent her 
screaming outright — Mrs. Crank meanwhile regarding her 
with a look of suppressed rage. 

The blessing over, we proceeded to eating. Of all the 
dinners I have ever sat down to in my varied life, that 
was the strangest. Mrs, Crank said it was prepared 
according to the laws of hygiene. Among the other 
peculiarities, nothing on the table contained any lard, 
and the Doctress said she never allowed the white of an 
egg to be eaten in her house, as it was unwholesome. 

Sammy had a tough time of it. I pitied that man. I 
would n’t be ordered around like he was for any amount 
of money. His wife W9uld watch every mouthful he took, 
and scold and fret if he dropped any food on his chin, or 
did n’t hold his knife and fork to suit her ideas of pro- 
priety. I was heartily glad when the meal was over, and 
the fire from her infernal tongue ceased. 

My next interview with the lady was in her study. I 
dropped in rather unexpectedly, and found her seated in 
an easy-chair, with her feet resting on a cushioned stool, 
deeply engaged in the pages of a mammoth book. 

“I am glad you have called, Mr. Jinks,” said she. 
“You find me deeply immersed in my studies. The 
practice of medicine is the only joy I have in life.” 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 49 

“How does it pay?” I inquired. “Is there much 
demand for women doctors? ” 

“No,” said she, “the age has not progressed far enough 
for us yet. Almost all that we find to do in these times 
is to attend women’s rights conventions, or bother our- 
selves with other people’s business in some way or other. 
Even our own sex have no faith in us. Why, young wives, 
even in confinement cases, prefer the services of a man, 
often a debauchee, or a stripling fresh from college, to an 
experienced and capable matron like myself. It is out- 
rageous. The law should step in to prevent such a bar- 
barous system of society.” 

“To which branch of the profession do you belong — 
to the allopathic or homoeopathic?” I inquired, timidly, 
as I was getting on dangerous ground. 

“Oh, I practice anything — wherever I can get a job. 
I let the patient suit himself as to the treatment. I am 
open for anything in medicine, from curing the cramps to 
amputating an arm.” 

“How are you on cures by magnetism?” I asked. 
“I practice a little of that myself.” 

“Oh, I can do that, too,” said she, energetically. “I 
also believe in the cold-water cure. I am practising it 
now on Sammy. He is troubled with the dyspepsia, and 
every night, before he goes to bed, I denude him of his 
clothing, wrap him up in a wet blanket, and make him sit 
in a tub of cold water for half an hour at a time. It don’t 
seem to do him much good, though, and I am going to 
experiment with hot water next. In fact, I try all my 
5 ^ 


50 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

experiments on Sammy. He don’t like it, but he has to 
submit. That is what I married him for. He is of no 
earthly use. His back is now scorched red as fire with 
the poultices and mustard-plasters I have tried on him 
before venturing them on my patients.” 

“ Sammy must have a tough time of it,” said I. 

“Yes,” she replied, “but he can’t help himself. His 
mind naturally runs toward the frivolities of the world, 
but I do my duty by him, and hammer religion into his 
head at every opportunity. It makes Sammy especially 
angry when there comes a thunder-storm in the middle of 
the night, for then I rout him out of bed, and make him 
come down-stairs and read the Bible, and pray until the 
storm is over. If that man goes to hell, it won’t be my 
fault. If, when I meet him on the other side of the Styx, 
he is shovelling coal into the fiery furnace instead of sing- 
ing songs of praise in the promised city, he has only him- 
self to blame. I ’ll shake my skirts of him.” 

I told her she must not give Sammy up in despair. 
Perhaps I could use my influence with him for good. It 
might be he would prefer the Methodist form of religion 
to the Episcopalian. 

She gave her consent, and I proceeded to hunt up 
Sammy. I found the old fellow down-stairs in the sit- 
ting-room, seated in the rocking-chair, with the open 
Bible spread out before him ; but, coming upon him so 
suddenly, I discovered that the Bible was only a blind, 
for, between its leaves, he was reading a copy of the 
Police Gazette, the contents of which he was devouring 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 5I 


ravenously. He blushed scarlet on finding he was dis- 
covered, and then turned red and white by turns. 

“I hope you will not mention what you saw to my 
wife,” he said, entreatingly. “I’ll never hear the last 
of it.” 

“Have no fear of that,” said I. “I read that paper 
myself, sometimes. Let ’s go out and have a drink.” 

He looked at me as if he were thunderstruck. 

“Come on,” said Ij “your wife shall know nothing 
about it.” 

.But I couldn’t persuade him. He said he had not 
touched liquor since he had been married, though he had 
a strong desire to taste it again. He promised, though, 
if his wife went out at any time, he would take a drink 
with me. 

Talking about drinking got me into the notion of having 
a cocktail myself. So I put on my hat, went out, and 
entered a neighboring saloon, when who should I meet 
but my old friend Joe Bunting. 

“Why, Jinks,” said he, “what are you doing in this 
part of the town ? ’ ’ 

I don’t know what prompted me to answer him, but I 
said : 

“ Why, I ’m living up this way. I ’m peeping house at 
— North Tenth Street,” giving Mrs. Crank’s number. 

“ The dickens you are ! ” said he. “I’m glad you ’ve 
moved up this way. For some time past a number of 
the boys have been talking about calling on you with 
their ladies, and giving a grand surprise party, and now 


52 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


we have a splendid opportunity. What do you say? 
Shall we come ? ’ ’ 

I saw fun in prospective. A surprise party in Mrs. 
Crank’s house ! Music and dancing ! Why the old lady 
would be frightened out of her seven senses. 

“Certainly,” said I. “Come along; I’ll be glad to 
see you. Bring all the ladies and gents you can find. 
The more the merrier. Bring a good, lively, noisy 
crowd. 1 ’ll make fun enough for you to last six months.” 

“Thank you. Jinks,” said he, shaking my hand. “I’ll 
do so. At what hour shall we come? ” 

“ Oh, come about ten o’clock. That is a good time. 
We ’ll take up the carpets and have a dance.” 

Then Bunting departed in high glee, and I returned to 
the house. I could scarcely content myself until ten 
o’clock arrived, I was so curious to know what effect the 
surprise party would have on the Doctress. But I kept 
my own counsel, and did n’t even mention to Mrs. Jinks 
what was going to occur. 

About half-past nine o’clock the door-bell rang. I 
jumped up excitedly, thinking it was the surprise party, 
but Mrs. Crank herself went to the door. I waited in 
breathless suspense, expecting every minute to hear an 
explosion. But I was mistaken, for the next instant the 
lady returned, her face illuminated with joy, saying she 
had a patient and would have to go out immediately — to 
be gone, perhaps, until midnight. 

About half an hour after she had gone the surprise 
party arrived. There were ten couples of them, and they 


BLUE LAWS IN A BOARDING-HOUSE. 53 

brought three large baskets packed with wine and provi- 
sions. They had no sooner come than they proceeded to 
take up the parlor carpets, old Sammy looking on, mean- 
while, in speechless surprise. But his astonishment 
reached its climax when one of the party seated himself 
on the back of a sofa, and, producing a violin, began to 
play an Irish reel. Then a buxom- looking young girl 
seized the astonished man by the shoulders, and, whirling 
him into the middle of the floor, began to dance. 

For two hours we had lots of fun. We had dancing 
and singing, and all manner of games. Everything was 
turned topsy-turvy, and the neighbors, accustomed to a 
quiet house, could not comprehend what was taking place, 
and came crowding around the windows and peeping in 
through the keyhole. As for Sammy, he was getting 
“ tight ” as fast as it was possible for a man to do so. A 
fair young siren had him in charge, and he could not re- 
sist her persuasive invitations to drink. 

About twelve o’clock, Mrs. Crank returned. She rang 
the bell, and I went to the door. Her face was ghastly 
white with agitation, and her tongue trembled. 

“ What does this mean? ” she inquired. 

“ Come in and see,” said I, and, before she knew what 
I was about to do, I seized her in my strong arms, and 
dragging her into the parlor, where a dance was at its 
height, I hurried her into the middle of the floor. 

But she didn’t dance any. She bit and screamed in- 
stead, and made such violent plunges at my ambrosial 
locks that I was forced to release her. At that moment 
5 * 


54 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


she caught sight of Sammy, so full of wine that he could 
scarcely hold his head up, and reclining in the arms of a 
maiden with sandy hair. She went for him like a breeze, 
slapped his face, wrung his nose, and bumped his head 
against the wall, until the others, thinking no doubt that 
she had escaped from some mad-house, seized her by the 
shoulders, hustled her out into the street, and slammed 
the door in her face. 

Then she did get angry. She made things quite lively 
about that neighborhood for five minutes, by shouting 
“Police!” “Thieves!” “Robbers!” and kicked against 
the front door with all her might. The alarm served to 
arouse at least one officer, and he came strolling down the 
street at a leisurely pace to see what was the matter. When 
she informed him what was going on, he sprung his rattle 
for assistance, and, expecting to have the whole police 
force of the district down upon us, and a raid on the 
house, followed 'by a night in the station-house, I told the 
company of the deception I had practised on them, and 
advised them all to get out the back alley as quick as they 
could. They were considerably alarmed, and lost no 
time in following my advice. Several of the bravest of 
the men took time to assist me out with Mrs. Jinks’s Sara- 
toga trunks, to save them from being confiscated. 

Well, we escaped, and I managed to secure a carriage, 
which took Mrs. Jinks, myself, and the trunks back to 
our residence, which we had left in charge of a servant 
during our episode with the Cranks. Despite our hair- 
breadth escape, both Mrs. Jinks and myself were highly 
pleased with the adventure. 


A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 


MR. JINKS MAKES THE ACQUAINTANCE OF A KENSINGTON 
WIDOW MAKES AN ENGAGEMENT TO TAKE HER CAR- 
RIAGE-RIDING ON SUNDAY JINKS ARRIVES AT THE 

widow’s residence with THE CARRIAGE — GREAT EX- 
CITEMENT AMONG THE NEIGHBORS AND JEALOUSY OF 
THE WOMEN — THE WIDOW AND AN ANTAGONIST INDULGE 
IN A FISHTOWN TONGUE-LASHING — THE DRIVE TO THE 

WISSAHICKON — THE CATFISH SUPPER THE ACCIDENT 

IN THE PARK THE ARREST THE HEARING BEFORE 

THE MAGISTRATE THE COURSE OF JUSTICE — FINALE. 

M rs. sal SPENCE, the heroine of this narrative, 
is a fair specimen of the average female found in 
certain localities in the old District of Kensington, in 
the north-eastern section of Philadelphia, vulgarly termed 
Fishtown. The male citizens of that region are mostly 
fishermen, while the females are either market-women or 
spend their lives on their front pavements, brooms in 
hand, gossiping or quarrelling with their neighbors. 

I was introduced to Mrs. Spence by a friend of hers, 
who had forewarned me of her peculiarities. I was there- 
fore not surprised at the reception she gave me when I 
called upon her at her residence. 


55 


56 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ So you are Jinks,” she said, needing no further intro- 
duction. “ My name is Sal Spence. You won’t find any 
French airs about me, but I ’m all there. Come down 
into the cellar-kitchen. There is where we live. We 
only use the parlor for funerals, and things like that.” 

So she led me down into the kitchen, where there were 
half a dozen other neighbors who had dropped in for a 
chat, besides Mrs. Spence’s mother-in-law. I was imme- 
diately introduced as the “ Man with the Iron Jaw,” and 
several, taking the name in a literal sense, gathered near 
me, and began to make a personal inspection of my jaw. 
It was with some difficulty I made them understand it was 
a nom de plume, signifying my personal strength. They 
had no sooner learned who I was than they went out to 
inform the neighbors, and soon any number of women, 
old and young, came crowding into the yard, and peep- 
ing through the windows to get a look at me. 

.But this did not disturb me in the least; in fact, I 
rather liked it. I understood in a moment what kind 
of company I was in, and I knew all I had to do to 
secure their good-will was to make myself friendly and 
familiar. 

“ So you are the feller who writes them sketches!” said 
Mrs. Spence, speaking quickly, with a total disregard of 
grammar. “ I often wondered if you were as good-look- 
ing a chap as you make yourself out to be.” 

” I hope you are not disappointed in me,” I answered, 
smiling my prettiest. 

” No,” said she ; “ you ’ll pass in a crowd. You put on 


A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 57 

a little more airs than the people do up here, but you 
can’t help that, I suppose. I ’ve got disgusted with the 
men, however, since my husband died. None of them 
can come up to him.” 

“ How long has he been dead ? ” I inquired. 

“He kicked the bucket last Christmas,” she replied. 
“ Ah ! he was a good provider. I always got plenty to 
eat when he was alive. But he would join church, and 
got so good that he wanted to die ; so when he took the 
fever, he would n’t have his medicine, and I believe he 
was glad the nearer he got to the undertaker. Darn the 
churches, I say ! For my part, I never go near them.” 

The conversation continued in this strain for some 
time, and then I arose to go. As I was bidding them 
good-bye, I said : 

“ Mrs. Spence, this is our first acquaintance, but I hope 
we shall get to know and like each other better. By the 
way, I ’ve a request to ask. I am going to take a drive 
in the Park to-morrow afternoon, and I would be pleased 
to have you accompany me, if you have no other engage- 
ment. We will have a pleasant time.” 

At this the other women began to nudge her and tell 
her to go, and that she would n’t get such a chance every 
day in the week. Nor was she slow in accepting the invi- 
tation. 

“I might as well go,” said she. “John has been dead 
over six months, and that is long enough to grieve over 
any man. I want you to behave yourself, though. I 
don’t want you to try to come any of your pranks over 


58 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


me, like you do over the other girls you write about. I 
used to like that kind of fun when I was young ; but I ’ve 
got my eye-teeth cut now, and I soon make a man walk 
chalk if he comes any nonsense around me. There is 
one thing I mean to tell you. I won’t go unless I can 
take Sammy.” 

“ Who is Sammy? ” I inquired. 

“Sammy is my boy,” she replied. “As pert a little 
shaver as you ever laid eyes on. Sammy will be tickled 
to death when he knows he is going.” 

I had got myself into a job I little expected. I antici- 
pated having some fun with the mother, but when it came 
to taking her and her boy (a wild young Arab, no doubt) 
around in a carriage all the afternoon, it was a little more 
than I had bargained for. However, it was too late to 
back out, so I promised to be around the following Sun- 
day at two in the afternoon. 

I was as good as my word. Sunday afternoon, after 
finishing my dinner, I proceeded to a livery-stable, where 
I engaged a stylish-looking team of bays and a handsome 
one-seat carriage, and drov^ towards Kensington. 

Arriving in the neighborhood, I found the residents of 
the whole street had been informed of our proposed drive, 
and men, women, and children were out on the front steps 
waiting for me. 

As I drove into the street, there was a general buzz of 
“ There he is ! ” “ There he is ! ” while excited individ- 
uals rushed pell-mell around the neighborhood spreading 
the news of my arrival. As usual, the ladies, with the 


A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 59 


everlasting brooms in their hands, were holding a conver- 
sation with their neighbors across the street. 

“ I don’t know what he sees in that Sal Spence to take 
her out riding,” said one lady. 

“Pooh,” said another, “that is only a hired team. I 
don’t believe that fellow owns the clothes on his back.” 

“ Sal Spence has been fishing around for a husband 
ever since her old man died,” said a sharp-featured ma- 
tron. “It is high time she got somebody.” 

“ Guess she ain’t got much now,” said another. “ He 
looks like a gambler or a pickpocket. I don’t put no 
trust in them sleek-looking coons with long, woolly 
moustaches. ’ ’ 

“Who can’t go riding?” cried an effervescent young 
creature, straddling her broomstick and galloping up and 
down the pavement, to the intense delight of her neigh- 
bors. 

Instead of being annoyed, I was amused by these 
scenes, and stood a moment on the step to look on and 
laugh. When the door was opened, I discovered Mrs. 
Spence, all ready for the drive, arrayed in the various 
colors of the rainbow, and wearing a hat that sat jauntily 
on the top of her head, which somewhat resembled a 
flower-garden in its appearance. 

“Oh, so you ’ve come?” said she; “we’re all ready. 
Sammy! Sammy! Where is that Sam? I’ll bet ten 
cents that boy’ll get his trousers dirty before we start, 
after all my trouble in washing and ironing them. Sam- 
my ! You Sam, where are you ! Ah, there he is, com- 


6o 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


ing out of the yard. That boy is forever in the yard 
when I want to go anywheres. Sammy, this is Mr. Jinks. 
Why don’t you take off your hat, you young varmint, and 
speak? Don’t stand there simpering like a booby. You ’ll 
never have the manners your mother has got. Now, Mr. 
Jinks, we ’re ready. I suppose I must go out leaning on 
your arm, according to Gunter. Good Lord ! Black 
Dutch will stand on its head when it sees us coming.” 

“Black Dutch” not only stood on its head when we 
appeared on the street, but set up a howl that might have 
been heard a half mile away. Even the little dogs were 
excited, and came barking at us, much to the consterna- 
tion of the pussy-cats, who made a general scramble to 
get out of the way, while the neighbors gathered around, 
volunteering to hold the horses, and asking if Mrs. Spence 
was going riding — just as if they could n’t see she was. 

“I guess I ’ll go riding, too,” cried an envious woman, 
“ when my husband dies, and I can get some fancy duck 
to come and take me out.” 

Mrs. Spence was on the defence instanter. It was 
evident she did n’t require a champion to take her part. 

“Lib Piggoty, you bite my nose!” she cried, her 
eyes flashing fire. “When I want any of your sass. I’ll 
ask you. You talk about going a riding! Why your 
man can scarcely earn money enough to get you victuals 
to eat — you starved-out, dried-up old scarecrow.” 

“I don’t go riding with strangers, anyhow,” cried Mrs. 
Piggoty. “I don’t take up with every fancy man that 
comes along.” 


A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 6l 

'‘A good reason why,” responded Mrs. Spence. 
“ None of them would have you. I ’ve got just as much 
lip as you ’ve got, Lib Piggoty, and I ’ll give you as good 
as you send. Don’t you talk to me. You ’re nobody’s 
grandmother. I won’t take no sass off you, nor none of 
your family. You think you can do as you please because 
your uncle ’s a tailor. I ’ll tell you what he is. He is a 
hypocritical, sanctimonious old fraud. I don’t care if he 
is a member of church. He used to charge my husband 
seventy-five cents a box for paper cuffs, and tell him he 
was favoring him, when they could be bought anywhere 
else for a quarter; and then because my husband got tired 
of having his clothes botched up, and went somewhere 
else, he got down on him, and that is the reason you’re 
down on me. For two pins, I ’d jump down out of this 
carriage and put some more territory on that pug nose 
of yours ! Aha ! you double-eyed bobolink ! don’t you 
make faces at me.” 

The way things were going on, I didn’t know what 
would be the termination of the row, so I thought the 
quicker I got out of that street the better it would be for 
all concerned. So, rapidly hoisting Sammy into the car- 
riage beside his mother, I followed him, seized the reins, 
and drove off. As we vanished from the street, I became 
aware that some of the more enthusiastic were throwing 
their old shoes after us for good luck, while the majority 
were crying, “ Hoorah! ” 

In due time we reached the Wissahickon, and, as we 
drove along the banks of the romantic creek, Mrs. Spence 
6 


62 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


insisted on pointing out the objects of interest to her 
son. 

“ Look, Sammy ! ” she would exclaim. “ Look at tliat 
bridge up there ! See ! Why that is higher than the 
water-works’ standpipe. Jerusalem ! You don’t tell me 
cars cross over that? If anything should give away, look 
out for your cocoa-nut. Hello, here is a waterfall. Well, 
did you ever? I’ve read about them concerns, but I 
never thought they were like that. Mr. Jinks, is that as 
grand as Niagara ? ” 

“ Nonsense, madam ! Why Niagara is a hundred times 
that size.” 

“Oh, come now, you’re giving me taffy!” said she, 
incredulously. “You can’t stuff nothing like that down 
this chicken. You think you ’ve got hold of a greenhorn, 
but you ’re mistaken. I want you to know I ’ve been out 
of Fishtown. I know something of the world. What is 
the matter, Sammy ? You look hungry. I guess Jinks is 
going to treat after awhile. Ain’t you. Jinks? ” 

“Oh, yes,” said I. “ We ’ll have catfish and coffee by 
and by.” 

“Catfish and coffee,” said Mrs. Silence. “That’s 
what I like. I was raised on that kind of victuals. 
Sammy stop wiping your nose on your sleeve 1 Lands 
alive ! have I been teaching you manners all these years, 
to have you disgrace me before an editor? Mr. Jinks, if 
I was you, I would n’t wait until supper-time. Let us 
have our catfish and coffee now. There is no time for 
eating like when the stomach ’s empty.” 


A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 63 


I considered this rather a broad hint, so when we came 
to the second hotel on the Wissahickon drive, I stopped, 
gave the team to a hostler, and was about helping the 
lady to alight, when 1 found she had jumped out her- 
self, followed by Sammy, and was marching up the 
steps to the hotel. The landlady of the house knew 
me, for I frequently drive out that way, and, advancing 
politely, asked me if I would have a private supper- 
room. Mrs. Spence overheard her, and immediately in- 
terfered. 

“Yes, Mr. Jinks,” said she, “we had better eat by our- 
selves. I don’t care for myself, but I am rather uncertain 
about Sammy. I don’t like the way he holds his knife 
and fork. Now I was brought up to eat in style, but 
somehow Sammy always preferred to gobble up his vict- 
uals with his fingers, and I s’pose that would n’t suit in a 
first-class hotel. Howsumever, let ’s have something to 
eat, anyhow. I don’t care whether we take it in the 
parlor or the kitchen. I say, missus, put plenty of red 
pepper on them catfish when you fry them, will you ? I 
am fond of pepper on anything like oysters or fish, or in 
soup. By the way, have you got any ice-cream, or pie, 
or cakes, or anything else nice, to taper off on when we 
g<?t through? I know you’re going to ask Jinks an un- 
godly price for this supper, and we might as well get our 
money’s worth.” 

I saw the landlady was getting angry, and was about to 
make a curt reply, when I gave her the wink not to mind 
my companion, and adroitly turned the conversation. I 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


64 

then led the way to the private supper-room, and in a few 
minutes the repast was brought in, smoking hot. 

It did me good to see them eat. Jehoshaphat ! what 
appetites they had ! As soon as Mrs. Spence laid her 
eyes on the tempting fish, browned to a marvel, she just 
sat back in admiration for a moment, then, tucking up 
her sleeves, seized her knife and fork and went to work, 
and I didn’t hear another word out of her until nothing 
but fish-bones remained on the table. Then she spoke. 

“ Now, Jinks,” said she, “ order in the pie and the ice- 
cream. I ’ll tackle them.” 

“But, my dear woman,” said I, “ they never give des- 
sert for supper. That comes after dinner, you know.” 

“ I don’t care,” said she. “ I would n’t have come out 
with you, if I hadn’t thought I was going to get a fancy 
meal like they give at Atlantic City and them places. 
That fish has made me hungry, and poor Sammy there 
looks half starved.” 

“Well, I’ll see,” said I. “It isn’t customary, but 
perhaps I can get you some ice-cream. You run a great 
risk of the cholera, however, in eating such things after 
fish.” 

She said she didn’t care for cholera. A dose of 
blackberry brandy would soon settle that. She was going 
to have enough to eat, even though she was nailed down 
in her coffin the next minute. 

I was successful in getting her the dessert, and after she 
had eaten it, we again took the carriage, and drove along 
the Wissahickon, and then returned, intending to visit 


/ 

u 

A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 65 

the West Park. Whenever we came to places along the 
creek where small boats were moored for hire, Sammy- 
wanted to stop and take a ride in one, and in this he was 
seconded by his mother, but, foreseeing the trouble, I 
steadfastly refused. 

When we had crossed the Schuylkill, at the Falls, and 
entered the Park, I began to meet any number of carri- 
ages, containing prominent gentlemen of my acquaint- 
ance. As each passed, and nodded to me, Mrs. Spence 
would inquire : 

“Who is that man? Gauly ofilus ! ain’t he grand? 
I tell you he must be some turnips.” 

I pointed out each individual as either a Governor or 
a United States Senator. 

“ They are all big bugs, ain’t they? ” said Mrs. Spence, 
standing up in the carriage and endeavoring to look back. 
“Darn my buttons if I wouldn’t like to be a reporter, 
and know all these moneyed fellows like you do. J ’d 
make ’em come out with the rocks. Hello ! Holy 
Christopher ! There goes my hat ! Stop ! Mr. Jinks, 
stop the horse ! That infernal hat has bio wed on the top 
of a tree, and it cost me eight dollars only last Saturday.” 

True enough, a gust of wind had caught her hat, which 
was insecurely fastened on her head, and had sent it spin- 
ning across the lawn, and then up into the branches of a 
tree, where it lodged. Before I could imagine what she 
was about to do, she sprang out of the carriage and 
skipped across the grass as lively as a Jersey mosquito. 
What added to my surprise, however, was to see her, when 
6* F. 


66 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


she reached the tree, mount it as easily as a sailor or a 
frontiersman would, climbing from limb to limb and 
branch to branch, until she had secured the hat, and was 
preparing to descend. 

Of course, this remarkable achievement was witnessed 
by everybody in the vicinity, and there was a general rush 
towards the tree. Among others who joined the throng 
were several Park Guards, who, as soon as the dauntless 
heroine reached the ground, hat in hand, seized her, and 
attempted to arrest her. She struggled with the minions 
of power, but it was useless. 

I jumped from the carriage and went to her rescue. 

“ What are you arresting that lady for ? ” I asked. 

“ Because she has acted in an indecent and unbecom- 
ing manner,” was the reply. “ Is she with you? ” 

“ Yes, sir, she is.” 

“ Then we are going to take her before the Magistrate. 
You can come along, if you want to.” 

I told them I had my carriage with me, and I would 
drive her over, and an officer might accompany me. 
This request was readily complied with, the Park Guard 
sitting on my lap, as there was no other room for him. 

When we reached the Magistrate’s office, we awoke him 
out of an after-dinner nap, and he entered the room rub- 
bing his eyes. As soon as he saw me, he labored under 
the mistake the others did in supposing I was the prisoner. 

“ What, Jinks ! ” said he. “You here? Fast driving, 
I suppose, old boy, hey? Well, the forms of law must be 
gone through with. I can liberate you only on bail. I 


A ROUGH AND READY SWEETHEART. 6/ 


could do no more for you if you was my grandfather. 
Well, gentlemen, who has got bail to offer for Jinks ? ” 

“ I own some town lots in East Hammonton, New Jer- 
sey,” said a friend of mine, stepping forward. “ I would go 
down myself and occupy them, if it wasn’t for the mos- 
quitoes. I pay taxes on them now on purpose to bail my 
friends out when they get into any trouble.” 

“Well,” said the Magistrate, rubbing his nose medi- 
tatively, “giving bail on property in New Jersey is not 
exactly the thing. However, let it pass, seeing it ’s for 
Jinks. Jonathan, you are free. You ’re held to bail to 
answer at court; but that is all bosh, you know. Of course, 
the case will never come up.” 

Saying this, we all winked at each other, and then I 
slipped five dollars into the Park Guard’s hand, and he 
winked too. As for Mrs. Spence, in her ignorance she 
could not understand it all, and labored under the impres- 
sion that she was under arrest, until she nearly reached 
home. 

Of course, as I had merely sought her acquaintance to 
write her up as a character, after accomplishing my object 
1 did not seek to renew it. She, on the contrary, seems 
to have taken a decided liking to me, and I have received 
several postal cards from her, inviting me to take her to 
Sea Breeze or Atlantic City, or on some other excursion. 
She may use up all the postal cards in the country in this 
vain attempt, and if she calls at the office after me, I have 
bribed the clerk to tell her I ’ve gone to Europe. 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS 


MR. JINKS MEETS HIS FRIEND SNYDER, WHO IS RATHER 

OVERCOME VOLUNTEERS TO TAKE HIM HOME — MAKES 

A MISTAKE AND GOES TO THE WRONG HOUSE — FINDS 
SNYDER’S HOME AT LAST, AND ASSISTS IN PUTTING HIM 

TO BED THE INJURED WIFE’s TALE OF SUFFERING 

JINKS AROUSED FROM A PLEASANT SLEEP BY A CRY OF 

“murder!” HE ATTEMPTS TO INVESTIGATE THE 

MATTER IN THE DARK, AND FINDS HIMSELF ROLLING 

DOWN THE CELLAR-STAIRS REACHES THE STREET AFTER 

MUCH DIFFICULTY — THE CAUSE OF THE TROUBLE — JINKS 
THE NEXT MORNING ASSISTS THE WIFE IN REMOVING 

FURNITURE FROM SNYDEr’s HOUSE A BELLIGERENT 

HOUSE-OWNER — THE POLICE ARRIVE ON THE SCENE 

THE HEARING BEFORE THE ALDERMAN — HIS HONOR’S 

FLIGHTS OF SENTIMENT THE TEMPERANCE OATH 

HUSBAND AND WIFE ONCE MORE UNITED. 

I WAS not drunk myself when I took Snyder home. 

I was as sober as a judge. I had been to my lodge, 
and on returning home, at a late hour, encountered Sny- 
der on the corner of a street, steadying himself by a 
lamp-post. He saw me first. 

“Hello, Jinks, o-l-e b-boy!” — (hie) — said Snyder. 
“Why, hello, Snyder!” said I, “is that you? What 
are you doing here at this time of night?” 


68 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 69 

He stared at me a moment vacantly, then steadying 
himself for an effort, let go his hold on the lamp, and 
moving uncertainly across the pavement, seized me by 
the arm, and putting his face close to mine, his breath 
smelling strongly of whiskey, said : 

“L’ess — take — a d-d-drink.” 

“Nonsense, Snyder! you’re as full as a tick now. A 
couple of drinks more and you ’ll explode. The best 
thing you can do is to go home and go to bed.” 

“Won’t go home till mbrn-in’,” said Snyder, with 
difficulty keeping on his legs. “ L’ess take a drink.” 

“But, my dear fellow, you have no money, and I am 
not going to treat you. Come, let me put you in the car 
and send you home. See, somebody has gone through 
your pockets. They are inside out. Hadn’t you a 
watch ? ” 

“I dunno ! ” said Snyder, looking into my face, and 
making maudlin gestures by elevating his nose and wink- 
ing both eyes at me at the same time, as drunken men will 
do. 

“ And you ’ve fallen in the gutter, or you ’ve been lying 
in the mud somewhere. If I leave you here much longer, 
the police will arrest you. Where do you live, Snyder?” 

“ That ’s of no con-se-quence I ” said Snyder, attempt- 
ing to sit down on a door-step, but rolling over and fall- 
ing down on the pavement. 

I saw it would never do to leave him on the street in 
that condition. When he was sober he was a highly re- 
spectable young man, and occupied an important position 


70 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


in a leading wholesale house. I also believed him to be 
a married man, and no doubt his young wife was then 
waiting patiently for him to come home. 

So I seized him firmly behind the arms, and lifting him 
from the ground urged him up the street. I laid him on 
the steps of a hotel, until I went back to the desk, and 
procuring a city directory began a search among the John 
Snyders for my friend’s residence. I could only discrimi- 
nate between two whose names were in the book. One 
lived down town and the other in the north-western section 
of the city. I decided to try the down town one first. 

Taking a night-car, I got Snyder on board, and rode 
down town. When we alighted, I dragged him forward 
the best way I could, and proceeded to look for the house, 
according to the number given in the directory. I found 
it after a little search, and then rang vigorously at the 
door-bell. Soon a head was protruded from the second- 
story window. 

“ What do you want? ” inquired the voice. 

“ I have got John Snyder down here dead drunk,” said 
I. “ Open the door, and let us in.” 

“ You ’re an infernal liar ! ” was the reply. “ I ’m John 
Snyder, and I ’ve not tasted a drop of anything intoxicat- 
ing since last March.” 

“If you come down here in the street and talk that 
way,” said I, “ I ’ll break your jowl.” 

“ Now, you clear out,” said the voice, “ or I ’ll call the 
police. I ’ll teach you not to go around at this hour of 
the night, rousing honest people out of their beds!” 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 


71 


I told him to go and take a bath. He said if he had n’t 
his clothes off, he ’d come down and punch my head. I 
told him to come; that I would n’t faint at his nakedness. 
Then his wife came to the window, and called him in, 
saying he might get shot. After that the sash was lowered, 
though heads protruded out of every other front window 
in the street, and there was a general inquiry of “ What ’s 
the matter?” Then, when they saw the condition of my 
companion, there were mingled cries of “Shoot it!” 
“Steady, old man ! ” “Can you walk a chalk-line?” and 
other cries that were not calculated to heighten a gentle- 
man’s self-respect. 

However, I had a duty to perform, and I did it. No 
cars coming along, I called a passing carriage, and, getting 
on board, gave the order to drive us to a little street up 
town, where the address of the other John Snyder was. 
Arriving there in good time, I found’ it was a narrow 
street, with two-story houses on each side, and everything 
was as quiet as if the inhabitants were all dead. 

Well, as soon as we reached the house, and the carriage 
stopped before the door, a second-story window was raised, 
and ’an agitated voice inquired: 

“Oh, who is there? Is it Mr. Snyder? Is he dead?” 

“No, madam,” said I, alighting from the carriage, 
“Mr. Snyder is not dead. He will be all right in the 
morning. Come down and open the door, and I will 
help him into the house.” 

In a few moments the door was opened. A slim, yet 
well-built and beautiful-faced young woman, attired in a 


72 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


light wrapper, which she had hastily thrown about her, 
appeared. 

“Oh, what has happened?” she asked, wringing her 
hands, while tears suffused her face. “Oh, don’t he look 
awful! Will he die?” 

“Nonsense!” said I. “He has drunk a little too 
much — that ’s all. ” 

Then I helped him into the house, and, at Mrs. Sny- 
der’s request, I conducted him up-stairs, and left him 
sprawling on the bed, so overcome with drink that he 
could scarcely articulate a word. 

“ I will leave him now,” said I. “He will need no 
more assistance. When he wakes up, he can help him- 
self.” 

“ I wish you would stay all night,” said the lady. “ I 
am so afraid to be with John when he is drunk.. I am 
afraid of his getting the delirium tremens, and killing me.” 

“ In that case,” said I, “ certainly I will remain. You 
can make me a bed anywhere. I can sleep on the floor 
or on the lounge. If anything occurs, just call me.” 

Then I paid and dismissed the hackman, and he drove 
away, and I returned into the house with Mrs. Snyder. 

“ You seem to have a serious time with your husband,” 
said I, as we took our seats together in the kitchen. 

“ Yes,” said she, in a mournful tone. “ Mr. Snyder is 
doing worse and worse. He earns twenty dollars a week, 
year in and year out, yet we can scarcely pay our rent or 
get food to eat ; and as for clothes, we haven’t any except 
what is on our backs.” 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 


73 


“ Does he spend all he earns in drink? ” 

“Yes, and goes in debt for more. Rumsellers are con- 
tinually dunning me for bills he contracts. I have to get 
credit for our provisions, but now we owe bills in so many 
stores, that most of them refuse to let us have anything. 
Mr. Snyder now can’t face anybody like an honest man, 
but has to sneak up the back alley to the house whenever 
he comes home. He can’t even stand at the front door, 
lest the grocer or the baker might come along and dun 
him. If any creditors do call, he makes me talk to them, 
and after they are gone pinches me until I am black und 
blue, because I don’t talk spunky enough. Oh, he is an 
awful man to get along with; yet I love him.’’ 

I tried to comfort her, and finally persuaded her to go 
to bed, promising that I would talk to Snyder when he 
got sober, and try to induce him to reform. There being 
but one bed in the house, I had to make my lodging on 
the lounge in the kitchen. 

I suppose I must have slept peacefully for a couple of 
hours, when I was aroused by somebody crying “Murder ! ’’ 
I sat bolt upright, and listened. The noise seemed to 
come from the house I was in, and I could distinguish a 
woman’s voice crying. The room I was in was pitch 
dark, and, what was worse, I had no matches about me to 
' strike a light. Nevertheless, I jumped up quickly, and 
groped forward, only to stumble over a stove, or some 
other article in the way, and found myself lying on my 
face on the floor, with a sprained ankle. I quickly arose, 
and tried it once more. This time I found a door, and, 
7 


74 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


searching, found the bolt, and opened it. 1 thought I 
was going up-stairs, and made a step upwards, but dis- 
covered I had made a tremendous mistake in going to the 
cellar-door instead. I made the quickest time on record 
in going down, and only touched the steps once, and that 
was on a sensitive part of my body, and with such a jar 
that it made me deathly sick. 

But I was not discouraged. Springing to my feet, I 
espied in front of me a light that came from the cellar- 
window. The moans and lamentations still continued 
aboVt, and urged me forward. Groping over a coal pile, 
I soon opened the window, and, at the risk of spoiling my 
pantaloons, I crawled through the opening and reached 
the street. As I did so, I looked up to the second-story 
window, and discovered Mrs. Snyder in her night-dress, 
leaning her head out, and crying as if her heart would 
break. 

Several of the neighbors also had their heads out of the 
T’findows, and just at that moment the shutters were sud- 
denly thrown open at a house opposite, and a strong, un- 
mistakable female voice, that meant war, inqimed : 

“ Mrs. Snyder is that you?” 

No answer, but continued sobs. 

“Is thsit you, Mrs. Snyder?” continued the voice, in 
a more determined tone. “What are you crying about?” 

“ Mrs. Burden, he hit me! ” cried Mrs. Snyder. “My 
face is all bleeding ! ’ ’ 

“ You ought to kill him ! ” cried Mrs. Burden, for this 
was her name. “ Don’t you live with him, Mrs. Snyder. 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 


75 


I wouldn’t stay with him another minute. The dirty, 
ornery, good-for-nothing scamp ! He is afraid to strike a 
man. Oh, I wish he had me to deal with ! I’d slam 
that wash-bowl down on the top of his head, so that he ’d 
think the Rocky Mountains had fallen on him. Come 
over here, Mrs. Snyder; come over and stay with me, 
and if that loafer attempts to follow you, I ’ll dash hot 
water on him. Come, Mrs. Snyder, I ’ll open the door 
for you. ’ ’ 

“I can’t, Mrs. Burden,” moaned Mrs. Snyder. “He 
won’t let me. He kicks and beats me whenever I leave 
the window.” 

At this the residents in the other houses began to cry 
out for the police, but as I knew it would be a couple of 
hours before an officer would arrive, I resolved to rescue 
the poor woman myself. At the same time I could hear 
the voice of Snyder inquiring : 

“Darling, what’s the matter? Come to bed, darling. 
What are you raising all this fuss about? ” 

Being an expert climber, I quickly mounted the water- 
spout, and the next minute reached the window. Grasping 
the sill, with a light motion I swung myself into the room. 

“Now, Mrs. Snyder,” said I, “you may go over to 
your friend’s. He shall not hurt you.” 

“ What do you want up here? You get out ! ” growled 
Snyder at me. 

“Snyder,” said I, “keep docile, or it will be the worse 
for you. .You ought to be ashamed to strike a delicate 
woman.” 


76 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“Darling, did I hurt you?” inquired Snyder, with a 
whine. “I thought it was a ghost. I didn’t know it 
was you, darling. I wouldn’t have struck you for the 
world. Come, petty, give me a kiss.” 

I believe Mrs. Snyder would have been fool enough to 
have kissed him, if I had n’t interfered. I advised her to 
go over and stay with her friend until morning, while 1 
would remain and take care of Snyder. She was so ex- 
cited that she could scarcely get her dress on, so I had to 
assist her. I buttoned it in front, and then rolling together 
half a dozen newspapers I found on the floor, I fixed lier 
bustle, and then stuck her chignon on the top of her 
head. I’ll bet a good cigar she was never dressed 
quicker in her life. 

5 After I had conducted Mrs. Snyder to the door, I re- 
turned to her husband, and told him I ’d punch his head 
if he didn’t lie down and go to sleep. He was anything 
but in a combative mood with me. He didn’t want to 
fight, but drink all the time, and insisted on us going 
down-stairs and hunting up some whiskey. To tell the 
truth, I felt like having a “nip” myself, after all my 
trouble and excitement, and I consented to join him in 
the search. We procured a light and proceeded to the 
cellar, but could find nothing stronger than Jamaica 
ginger. I persuaded Snyder he had better drink that, 
and it had the effect of sobering him considerably. 

After that I lay down in Snyder’s room, and slept until 
morning. I was awakened by a noise down-stairs, and 
looked around for Snyder. He was nowhere to be seen. 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 7/ 

Then I heard a mysterious whispering in the kitchen, and 
I proceeded to see what was the matter. 

I found Snyder and an Irishwoman higgling over the 
price of a kitchen stove. It seems Snyder owed her a 
bill, and the old woman wanted to take the kitchen 
stove in payment. 

“But I only owe you four dollars,” said Snyder, “and 
this kitchen stove is worth thirty, at least. Never mind, 
take it along. I ’m bound to get rid of the things some 
way or other. I’ve got a walnut bedstead up-stairs I’ll 
sell you for two dollars.” 

“Why, Snyder,” said I, “what is the matter? Are 
you crazy ? What do you mean by selling off your things 
at such prices? ” 

“ Nev6r mind, Jinks,” said he, with a drunken leer, 
for I could see he had been drinking again. “I am 
going to sell everything in the house, and then we ’ll go 
on a spree. Never mind my woman. I ’ve done with 
her. She has left my bed and board, and I don’t care if 
she brings up at the almshouse. But I like you. Jinks. 
You ’ve got brains. You sha’n’t spend a cent. I ’ve got 
the rocks, and, by George ! we ’re going to see fun.” 

Then he assisted the old woman to carry the kitchen 
stove out the back alley. I thought it was a shame to see 
the drunken idiot part with his goods in this way for a 
song, so I determined to put a stop to it. After he was 
gone, I locked the house up, and then took the key over 
to the neighbor’s house where Mrs. Snyder was staying. 

“Mrs. Snyder,” said I, meeting her, “I have sorrow- 
7 * 


78 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

ful news. Your husband is breaking up housekeeping, 
and is selling the furniture to the neighbors for anything 
it will bring.” 

“ Oh, my goodness ! ” cried Mrs. Snyder, throwing up 
her arms, and then sitting down on the floor in despair. 
“ What shall I do ? What shall I do ? ” 

“Do!” cried Mrs. Burden, coming forward. “I’ll 
tell you what to do. Be beforehand with the beast. Sell 
the furniture yourself ; or, if you want to, you may bring 
it over here and store it away, and I ’d like to see that 
man lay a hand on it in my house. Here, give me the 
key, and I ’ll go over and help you move. Come on, Mr. 
Whatever-your-name is,” she cried, addressing me; “let’s 
go over and help this poor woman get her goods out of 
that wretch’s clutches. By Jiminy, I feel as if I could do 
the work of ten men.” 

So she led the way, and, just like me, I followed her, 
too excited to consider the possible consequences of my 
rash act. We entered the house, and I proceeded up- 
stairs to take down the bedstead. By this time the whole 
neighborhood was in a state of excitement at the moving, 
and men, women, and children ran in to assist. Dogs 
were barking, cats were fighting, children crying, widows 
screaming, old maids wrangling, and the men cursing and 
swearing, and everybody working as if they were making 
a fortune for their posterity. I had the bedstead down in 
no time, and then proceeded to pitch things indiscrimi- 
nately out of the window, while the others lugged them 
across the street. 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 


79 


Just at this moment, the wife of a barber around the 
corner arrived in breathless haste, and said that Mr. Sny- 
der had sold her the sofa for two dollars and the parlor 
Brussels carpet for ten cents a yard ; but she had bought 
them under a misrepresentation that Mrs, Sn\dcr had 
left her husband, and, under the circumstances, she was 
willing to return the articles if the money was refunded. 
In the goodness of my heart, I immediately put niy hand 
in my pocket and bought the articles back for Mrs. Sny- 
der. In five minutes afterwards the barber arrived, growl- 
ing, sweating, and swearing, and bearing the sofa on his 
back, while his wife and an apprentice boy followed car- 
rying the carpet. 

Finding there was not room enough in Mrs. Burden’s 
house to store all the furniture, a servant-girl, belonging 
to a house in the neighborhood, volunteered to ask her 
mistress if she couldn’t store some of the goods in their 
parlor, and soon returned with the requisite permission. 
So I shouldered a bureau, and was taking it around, fol- 
lowed by a rabble of women and children, with wash- 
boilers, dish-pans, and every other conceivable article; 
but we were met at the front door by the man of the 
house, who had just come home. 

“What do you want now?” he inquired, as I ascended 
the steps with the bureau. 

“ We ’re going to store these things away in your par- 
lor,” said I, pushing by him. 

“I ’ll be hanged if you do,” said he, seizing the other 
end of the bureau, and pushing as if he possessed the 
strength of forty horses. 


8o 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


He pushed and I pushed, but, as I was considerably 
the stronger of the two, I gained my point, upset him, 
and victoriously deposited tire bureau on the best carpet, 
followed by a shower of dish-pans and wash-kettles. I 
had scarcely returned to the front door, however, before 
I became aware that the old fellow had pitched the ob- 
noxious article of furniture out of the window, and. was 
following it with the other utensils. This got my blood 
up, and as fast as he would throw them out I would throw 
them back again, in which I was aided by the spectators. 

Just at this moment there arose a great cry of “ There 
he goes i ” “ There he goes i ” “ Catch him ! ” and look- 
ing around I discovered Snyder rushing down the street, 
at such a pace that you could have played checkers on his 
coat-tails, with two police-officers in the rear, in hot pur- 
suit. I, too, joined in the chase, but Snyder made hi^ legs 
fly as if they were moved by electricity, and the first thing 
we knew he darted up an alley and escaped. I learned 
that he had tried to interfere with the moving arrange- 
ment, when the officers in the vicinity, sharing the gen- 
eral excitement, went for him. 

Well, I returned to my work, but I found the old fellow 
had provided himself with a double-barrelled shot-gun, and 
proposed to shoot the first man that deposited any more 
household goods in his parlor. Not wishing to die before 
' my time, I reconsidered the situation, and concluded I 
had better desist. So I went back to Mrs. Snyder, and 
proposed that we should hold an auction, and sell oft the 
rest of the goods to the highest bidder. 1 found the lady 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 


8l 


weeping as if her heart would break, with all the women 
in the neighborhood trying to console her — the married 
ones advising her to leave her husband, and the widows 
and old maids advising her to stay, as they knew by ex- 
perience that a man was n’t to be had for the asking, and 
a bad husband was far better than none at all. 

When my advice was asked, I said the best thing she 
could do was to go before an alderman, and take legal 
remedies. She at once consented, and, accompanied by 
myself and about a dozen female sympathizers, we pro- 
ceeded to hunt up a magistrate. 

I took her before an alderman of my acquaintance. I 
knew him to be a great favorite with the ladies, besides a 
man of great wisdom and experience in these matrimonial 
troubles. When he saw me approaching his office, ac- 
companied by so many ladies, he somehow got it into his 
head there was a marriage fee in store for him. I quickly 
informed him of my business, and then he took his seat 
on the bench of judgment in his office, cleared away the 
peanut-shells on the desk before him, and said he was 
ready to administer the law. 

As Mrs. Snyder was weeping so that she could scarcely 
speak, I felt called upon to make the explanation myself, 
as far as I understood the case. As I spoke, all was so 
quiet that a pin might have been heard to drop. When 
I had finished, the alderman said : 

“ Mr. Jinks, I ’ve heard you with great attention. Your 
manly utterances, sir, and this tale of pity, strike a cord 
in the human breast, case-hardened though it may be by 

F 


82 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


sin and experience. You ask me for my advice? What 
can I say? Here are a man and woman — a loving hus- 
band and a fond wife — separated by that demon, drink. 
The home circle is invaded, and the tender cords of love 
have been snapped asunder. ’ ’ Here the alderman stopped 
to whisk off a fly which had alighted on his nose, then 
fixing his eye sternly upon me, and shaking his forefinger, 
he proceeded : 

“ What is marriage? Let us consider it. Is it a bond 
to be rudely shaken aside, stamped and ground under foot ? 
No, sir ! Let me tell you, young man, it is a sacred oath 
as binding as the grave, as enduring as death itself.” 

“Well, alderman,” said I, beginning to feel uneasy 
under his scathing look, “don’t address yourself to me. 
I did n’t do anything. I am only here as a witness.” 

“ Certainly, Jinks,” said he, with an affable smile. “ I 
only meant what I said figuratively, you know. 1 thought 
it would be a good chance to make a speech — that ’s all. 
Well, to come to business, I can either hold this Snyder 
•to bail, or send him to the House of Correction for six 
months. Which shall it be? ” 

At the mention of the House of Correction, Mrs. Sny- 
der uttered a scream, and staggered back fainting into my 
arms. This set the alderman’s poetry to work again. 

“Ah ! ” said he, “I see how it is. ‘ Love, love, beau- 
tiful love, falling on the housetops and the people above.’ 
Well, there is nothing like it. I can appreciate this tender 
sentiment in the female breast. It appears to me, the 
more a man beats a woman the better she likes him. 


A CASE FOR THE TEETOTALERS. 83 

Where is this man Snyder, anyhow ? Perhaps he can be 
induced to reform, and they can live together again.” 

As he said this, who should enter but Snyder himself. 
Odd as it may seem, he was after a divorce ; but the 
alderman and I immediately buttonholed him, and began 
persuading him to sign the temperance pledge, and re- 
form. He was willing to reform, but did n’t want to sign 
the pledge. He couldn’t give up his bitters. 

“ Well, I ’ll tell you what we ’ll do,” said the alderman, 
persuasively, “ I ’ll swear you off easy. I ’ll put a clause 
in it so you can get your lager and Sweitzer kase every 
day, for, ’pon my soul, I don’t believe they hurt any man. 
That won’t be so bad as if you were prohibited from 
drinking anything except buttermilk and mineral water.” 

Snyder himself coincided in this view, and consented 
to be sworn. After the alderman had administered the 
oath, he kindly joined the hands of man and wife, and, 
laying a* hand on the head of each, said pathetically. 

Bless you, my children ! ” Then he inserted his thumbs 
into his vest-pockets, and waited patiently for his fee. 

As Snyder had no money, I paid the costs, and then we 
left the office together. The adventure rather put me to 
considerable expense and trouble, but it opened up an- 
other view of life, and I liked it. 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE 


MR. JINKS TAKES A CLERGYMAN’S WIFE ROWING ON THE 

BRANDYWINE — MAKING LOVE UNDER DIFFICULTIES 

JINKS EXERCISES HIS MAGNETIC POWERS THE ACCIDENT 

AT THE FALLS JINKS IN A TERRIBLE SCRAPE THE 

FOUL BREATH OF SCANDAL JINKS DISCOVERS TWO 

YOUNG PEOPLE GOING INTO BATHE — HOW HE BROUGHT 

THE INFORMER TO TERMS THE WRITTEN VINDICATION 

JINKS TAKES PART IN THE FOURTH OF JULY EXERCISES 

AT THE COTTAGE — HE MAKES A DAMAGING EXPOSURE 

HOW THE PIOUS CHRISTIANS CLUNG TO THEIR CLERGYMAN 
JINKS TAKES HIS DEPARTURE, AND HAS A LITTLE EN- 
COUNTER WITH A DISCIPLE OF THE FLOCK. 

AST summer, while rusticating at a fashionable 



Ji y country boarding-house, known as Fernwood Cot- 

tage, on the banks of the Brandywine, in the State of 
Delaware, I had quite a romantic adventure with a clergy- 
man’s wife, w'ho was stopping at the same house. The 
name of the lady, who was both young and handsome, 
was Pensive. Although she was anything but a coquette, 
and, as a rule, kept the men at a respectful distance, still 
her husband’s vigilance, prompted by a chronic jealousy, 
made it extremely difficult for me to approach her with 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


85 


my insidious arts. Fortune favored me, however, in 
business calling her husband to Baltimore, where he 
would be detained for several days, leaving an open field 
for the prosecution of my plans. 

Now, although I am a very handsome man, and pos- 
sess an inborn attraction for the ladies, I knew it would 
be foolhardiness to press my suit too boldly. It required 
considerable skill and address to approach the minister’s 
wife, for she was an intelligent, virtuous w'oman, and I 
could see she was deeply attached to her husband and 
their only child, a pretty little girl of three summers, who 
was staying at Fernwood in charge of a nurse. 

However, when the husband left the premises, I deter- 
mined to lose no time in pursuing my advantage. I 
attempted several times to indulge in a free and friendly 
conversation with Mrs. Pensive, but she invariably re- 
pelled all such familiarity, treating me with courtesy at 
the outset of our interviews, but growing colder in her 
manner as time progressed. I became bolder. I am not 
a man, however, to be scared by trifles, and I only waited 
for a better opportunity. 

This came at last. On Monday afternoon a number of 
ladies and gentlemen stopping at the cottage made up a 
party for an excursion on the Brandywine, to proceed up 
the creek for several miles, have a lunch, and then float 
down the stream. 

Mrs. Pensive was absent when this party was made up, 
and did not return until after it had started. I was in- 
vited to go with them, but as many of the party were 
8 


86 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


staid, quiet, church-going folks, I knew I couldn’t have 
much fun with the girls, so I preferred to remain behind, 
and enjoy a smoke on the broad piazza. 

I suppose they had been gone about half an hour, and 
I was enjoying my cigar, when, hearing a light foot-fall 
behind me, I looked around and discovered Mrs. Pensive. 

“You are late,” said I, throwing away my cigar, and 
politely offering her a chair. “You have missed all the 
fun. Almost every guest in the house has gone out boat- 
ing on the creek. They mentioned your name several 
times, and wished you were here to accompany them.” 

“ I am sorry,” said she, in her clear, rich voice, that 
had such an entrancing effect upon me. “I would like 
to have gone so much.” 

“It is not too late now,” said I. “ They have left one 
boat behind, and, as I am a pretty good oarsman, I think 
we can overtake them. What do you say? Will you trust 
yourself in my care? ” 

“Why, Mr. Jinks,” said she, half laughingly, yet with 
a hesitating manner, “ this is so unexpected.” 

Then, after a moment’s reflection, as if she was con- 
sidering the subject, she inquired, in a more serious tone: 

“ Would it be proper, do you think? ” 

“ What is there improper in it? You have" a desire to 
join your friends, and I volunteer to take you to them. 
I see nothing wrong or immoral in that.” 

“ Nor do I,” she replied, quickly; “but people are so 
censorious and critical as to every action of a married 
woman, especially a clergyman’s wife.” 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


87 


I told her she ought to have more moral courage than 
to be so sensitive to the criticism of others ; that, know- 
ing herself innocent of any wrong, the opinion of the 
world should not weigh a feather with her. In fact, I 
talked so earnestly that my arguments convinced her in a 
short time, and she consented to accompany me. 

I conducted her to the water’s edge, where a small 
bateau was moored, helped her . into the boat, and then 
pushed off into the stream. 

Now, I knew that the rowing party had gone up the 
stream, and, as I could not enjoy the lady’s society so 
well when surrounded by others, I determined to practise 
a little innocent deception on her, by making her believe 
that they had gone in the opposite direction ; so I headed 
the boat that way. 

I pulled along leisurely for a few hundred yards, until 
coming to the cover of a deep woods that lined the shore 
for a considerable distance, I ceased rowing and allowed 
the boat to slqwly turn and float down, stern first, with 
the current of the stream. Then, without a word of 
warning, I stepped back to the stern, where the lady was 
sitting, and took my place beside her. She looked at me 
in alarm. 

“Mr. Jinks,” she asked, “what are you going to do? 
What are we stopping here for ? ” 

“We are not stopping,” I replied. “The boat is 
drifting down with the stream. There is plenty of time. 
We may as well enjoy the ride and the scenery.” 

As I said this, I observed her plump white hand lying 


88 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


on her lap. In a moment of rash enthusiasm, not con- 
sidering the grossness and impropriety, of the act, I 
seized it, and, pressing it to my lips, kissed it fervently. 
She endeavored to pull it away, but I held it firmly yet 
gently in my clasp. 

“Mr. Jinks,” said she, sternly, “ consider what you are 
doing, sir. This is mean and ungentlemanly in you. 
Remember, I am a married woman ! ” 

“ What of that? ” said I, coolly passing my disengaged 
arm around her waist and pressing her closely to me. 
“ Married or unmarried, I cannot help it. I love you ! ” 
“Mr. Jinks,” said she, trying to disengage herself,' 
“this is madness; it is wicked! Remember who I am 
— the wife of a clergyman and a Christian mother I ” 

“I don’t care if you are the wife of a bishop,” I re- 
plied. “The fact of your marriage cannot alter my 
attachment. From the moment I first saw you I ad- 
mired you. For the first time in my life, although I 
have been in the society of hundreds ©f women, you 
alone have inspired the tender passion in my breast.” 

“This language to me is an insult,” said she, with an 
air of offended dignity, “and I wish yqu to cease it. I 
will inform my husband of your conduct.” 

“ Do so,” said I ; “ and if he is man enough to shoot 
me, he will rid me of my misery. Life without you is 
chaos — without happiness, without hope! Rather than 
endure such a fate, I will make away with myself! Let 
me see : what shall I do? Jump overboard, or what? ” 
Now, I had about as much idea of jumping overboard 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


89 


as I had of flying to the moon, but I wanted to see what 
effect such a threat would have on her. I was astonished 
to see how easily she was gulled. The fact is, she had 
lived with religious, church-going people all her life, had 
never told a lie nor been told one, and thus, inexperienced 
in such wickedness, believed the first fib she heard. 

“Oh, Mr. Jinks! ” said she, seizing my arm and look- 
ing on me with real affright, “don’t do anything des- 
perate. I pity — I sincerely pity you, but what can I do? 
Were I a single girl, I might listen to your appeal ; but, as 
it is, I cannot do so without the sacrifice of my honor, 
and that is dearer to me than life.’’ 

By gracious I I began to respect that woman. Repro- 
bate that I am, when placed face to face with virtue I 
could not help admiring and respecting it. I really felt 
ashamed of my conduct, and, in a cooler moment, saw 
how my passion had run away with my judgment, and 
what a cowardly and ungentlemanly part I was acting. 
I felt thoroughly ashamed of myself, and was about rising 
to beg her pardon and apologize for my rudeness, when 
she mistook my action for an attempt to jump overboard 
among the little fishes, and throwing her fine arms about 
my neck, while tears suffused her cheeks, begged me not 
to destroy myself. 

The temptation was too much. Those arms around 
my neck, her face so close to mine, her lips so near and 
looking so sweet, the loneliness of the spot, all combined 
proved too attractive for me to resist. I seized the 'fair 
being in my strong clasp, and, pressing her breast to 
8 * 


90 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


mine, our lips met, and I kissed her fervently, passion- 
ately. 

I never fully appreciated my power over the sex until 
then. I knew I was possessed of a powerful personal 
magnetism, but not to such a degree as to subdue this 
intelligent, strong-willed woman. Judge of my surprise 
when, instead of resisting these liberties, she merely mur- 
mured in a low, musical voice, “ Please don’t,” and then, 
as if moved by magnetism, drew her face closer to mine, 
returned my kisses, and hung her head bashfully, blush- 
ingly, on my bosom, her frame trembling like a leaf. I 
had made a sudden, unexpected conquest. 

“Dearest,” I whispered, fondling her fair cheek as it 
lay nestled so close to my own. “Say you love me! 
Let me hear you speak.” 

But she did n’t speak just then. She screamed. I had 
scarcely got the words out of my mouth, when I felt the 
boat strike a rock with great force, and then pitch forward. 
In my love-making I had forgotten where we were, and 
unforeseen we had rapidly approached a waterfall. I re- 
tained my presence of mind, however, and, as the boat 
went over, maintained my hold on the lady. We were 
pitched out into the water, which was quite deep, but, as 
I am an excellent swimmer, I found no difficulty in reach- 
ing the shore with my precious charge. 

But were we not in a dreadful situation ? I lost my hat, 
and the lady hers, and we were both soaking wet. . This 
accident brought the lady completely to her senses, and, 
sitting down on the stump of a tree, she wept bitterly. 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 9I 

“Oh, what shall I do?” she moaned, wringing her 
hands. “ What shall I do ? ” 

“Don’t be frightened,” said I. “The boat is gone, 
but we are not a mile beyond the house. We can easily 
walk back. I know the path.” 

“ But the scandal ! ” said she. “ How will it look for 
us to have been out in a boat together ? ’ ’ 

“You forget,” said I, “that we went out to seek the 
others.” 

But then I suddenly remembered that the others had 
gone in an opposite direction, where there was no water- 
fall, and the fact of our getting dashed over one, looked 
very suspicious, indeed. But I said nothing on this point, 
lest I should make matters worse. 

By considerable force and persuasion, I urged the lady 
forward, and after a long and circuitous route, caused by 
my not knowing the way, and missing the path several 
times, we at last reached Fernwood. 

The guests had just returned from their ride, and were 
gathered on the porch as we came up. I intended that 
we should get into the house unobserved, but one of the 
ladies espied us, and told the others, when they all came 
crowding around. 

“Why, what has happened?” exclaimed one. “You 
have been in the water. Having you been taking a bath 
with your clothes on? ” 

“No,” I replied; “we were out boating. Mrs. Pen- 
sive wished to join your party, and so I volunteered to 
take her to you. The boat struck against the snag of a 
tree in the creek, and we were upset.” 


92 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“It is very strange,” said a gentleman, with something 
of a sneer, “ that we saw nothing of you. We must have 
been returning as you were rowing up the stream.” 

I replied that our boat had upset and drifted down, and 
we had escaped to the shore, before they had reached us. 
This explanation appeared to satisfy some of them, though 
many regarded the story with considerable doubt, and I 
saw several of the women get together in groups and 
whisper. 

As for myself, I did n’t care what they said or thought 
about me, as I felt prepared to stand any amount of un- 
favorable criticism. But I was deeply concerned for the 
lady. It was through my folly that I had got her into the 
scrape, and I felt sure that the scandal which would arise 
would be very mortifying to her highly-sensitive nature, 
besides the trouble it would cause between her and her 
husband, when the parson heard the news. The blow 
would all fall upon her, whom I was almost powerless to 
shield from its effects. 

However, I could not stand there in my wet clothes to 
moralize on the subject, so I retired for the night. 

When I arose the next morning, I waited around for 
several hours, hoping to see the lady, and tell her what 
course she had better pursue if attacked by the gossips. 
As there appeared to be no prospect of seeing her, I 
finally went out to the stable, hired a saddle-horse and 
rode over to West Chester, and did not return until late 
in the afternoon. 

When I came back, I had scarcely dismounted when a 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


93 


servant approached me, and said that the Rev. Mr. Pen- 
sive and a number of gentlemen wished to see me in the 
back parlor. I knew at once there was something wrong, 
but determined to face the music without flinching. 

Sure enough, on reaching the parlor, there was the Rev. 
Mr. Pensive and his wife, who was hiding her face in her 
handkerchief, and moaning and weeping bitterly, and 
half a dozen very solemn-looking gentlemen, one of whom 
I recognized as the Rev. Samuel Barth, a meek-faced 
young clergyman, who had arrived at the cottage the day 
previous. 

“Mr. Jinks,” said Mr. Barth, who appeared to be the 
chairman of the committee, for such it was, “ please be 
seated. We have a matter of very serious importance to 
discuss with you.” 

“All right,” said I, leisurely taking a chair. “Fire 
away ! What have you got to say ? ” 

“Mr. Jinks,” he continued, in a very solemn tone, 
“ during your visit here a very serious scandal has arisen 
in which your name has been coupled unpleasantly with 
that of Mrs. Pensive, the wife of my dear friend here.” 

“Well, go on,” said I, coldly. “ What do the gossips 
say?” 

“ The lady is accused of meeting you clandestinely and 
taking lonely rides with you on the creek. Your misad- 
venture last evening is a proof of the truth of this.” 

I proceeded to explain how we came to go in the boat 
and its capsizing while in search of the rowing party. 

“That story will not do,” said the Rev. Mr. Barth, 


94 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ for at the time of the accident you were going in an 
opposite direction from the excursion party, and the casu- 
alty occurred by your allowing the boat to glide over the 
falls, while you were embracing the lady in the stern of 
the boat. There is no use denying it, my dear sir. You 
were seen.” 

“I deny nothing, sir. But who was the spy? Who 
saw me ? ” 

“That is immaterial,” said the clergyman, haughtily. 

“Yes, it is material,” said I, “for I brand the man 
who gave such information as a black-hearted scoundrel 
and a liar ! He is some dirty scamp, who seeks to ruin 
the reputation of a pure and virtuous woman. Let me 
see him, and, if he is worth the trouble, I ’ll take him out 
on the lawn and lick him within an inch of his life.” 

As might be supposed, there was considerable conster- 
nation on hearing this threat, and several of the com- 
mittee cautiously moved towards the door and windows, 
ready to jump out if I became rampant. As I would 
scorn to fight with any man, however, who is not my 
equal in strength and science, I merely meant the above 
as a little bombast, for in such a situation I am as harm- 
less as a lamb. 

This plain talk put an end to that interview. They 
had invited me in there to scare me, I suppose ; but they 
found they had got hold of the wrong customer. Even 
the Rev. Mr. Pensive, who had been glowering upon me 
like a hyena, suddenly grew more respectful, and turned 
his eyes to the floor when I looked at him. 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


95 


I made a short address, in which I fully exonerated the 
lady, denounced their informant as a liar, and said if 
there was any blame, let it be attached to me. My 
shoulders were broad, and I was ready to stand any 
amount of slander and calumny. Then I put on my hat 
and stalked out. 

Nothing more was said to me about the matter, though 
I observed a general coolness displayed towards me by 
everybody. As for Mrs. Pensive, she kept herself very 
secluded, and, though I wished to speak to her, I could 
not get the opportunity. 

About nine o’clock that evening I was taking a stroll 
along the creek, enjoying a cigar, when suddenly I heard 
subdued voices and stealthy footsteps approaching me 
from the path behind. Stepping aside among the bushes, 
where I could watch their movements unobserved, I al- 
lowed the couple to pass, when who should I discover 
them to be but the Rev. Samuel Barth and a Miss Ida 
Struthers, the daughter of a stern old Presbyterian mer- 
chant, who was stopping at the house. Wondering what 
the divine could want with the young girl in that lonely 
spot at that hour of the night, I cautiously followed them, 
as I felt a suspicion that the parson was the individual who 
had played the spy on me. 

I kept within a safe distance behind, and followed them 
for a mile, until we came out on the creek just below the 
falls, the scene of my accident. Here they suddenly 
stopped, seated themselves, and renewed their conversa- 
tion in whispers. What was my surprise, however, when 


96 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


the young clergyman sprang to his feet and began dis- 
robing, followed by the young lady, while I gazed upon 
them, a highly-interested spectator. As the ceremony 
progressed, I was about covering my face with my hat to 
hide my blushes, when I discovered that both parties very 
discreetly wore bathing-dresses beneath their clothing, and 
came prepared to take a bath. 

Then the clergyman took the hand of the confiding 
girl and led her slowly to the water. He then ducked 
her several times, while she cried: “Oh, my! don’t I 
Stop it, you naughty fellow!” and similar expressions.” 
This was followed by a paroxysm of kisses ; and then the 
clergyman, seizing the fair girl, laid her on his arm and 
floated her on the bosom of the water. At this moment 
a bright idea occurred to me. 

Stepping quietly forward, I seized the clothing that the 
clergyman had thrown off and that which the girl had 
laid aside, and, gathering them in my arms, managed to 
get away with them unobserved. I walked a short dis- 
tance back into the woods, and proceeded to search the 
clergyman’s pockets. 

I was in luck. The first object that my hand touched 
was a packet of letters. Lightihg a match, I hastily 
glanced over them, saw their directions, and, after a short 
examination, found they were love-letters from Miss 
Struthers to the Rev. Samuel. In the lady’s pocket I 
discovered a few lines written on a ragged slip of paper 
addressed to the girl from the reverend gentleman, in- 
viting her to take this very bath they were now enjoying. 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


97 


Now, as the Rev. Samuel Barth was a married man, and 
his wife was stopping at the house with him, I knew I had 
him in a very peculiar position — in fact, where his hair 
was very short. I determined to make immediate use of 
my discoveries. 

So, hiding the clothing in the trunk of a tree, I went 
back to see how the bathers were getting along. I found 
they had grown tired of the sport, and, hand-in-hand, 
were coming out of the water. They came slowly up to 
the spot where they had left their clothing, and, not find- 
ing it, looked around in amazement and alarm. 

“My goodness!” exclaimed the girl, shivering with 
cold and fright, “ where is my clothing? ” 

“ This is surely the spot where we left our things,” ex- 
claimed the clergyman. “ They certainly could n’t have 
walked away.” 

“We’ve been discovered,” said his companion. 
“ Some one has been here and taken our clothing.” 

“And there are all your letters in my coat-pocket ! ” 

“ Yes; and your note to me is in my dress ! ” 

“ By Jupiter ! what will my wife say? ” 

“And what will my father say? He ’ll be furious when 
he finds out what we ’ve been doing. He has got suc/i a 
temper.” 

“Don’t be alarmed, my dear lady,” said I, stepping 
out from under the cover of the bushes; “I took your 
clothes. They are all safe.” 

My appearance was so unexpected, that at first they 
mistook me for a visitor from the spirit land, and were 
9 


98 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

about taking to their heels, when I seized them both and 
stopped them. The clergyman slowly recovered his com- 
posure. 

“Mr. Jinks,” said he, with an air of dignity, “what 
does this mean ? ’ ’ 

“My dear/ellow,” said I, glancing at his bathing-gar- 
ments and those of his companion, “what does this mean? 
Is not this rather a strange place for a married man and a 
young girl to be found bathing together at this hour of 
the night ? ” 

He hung his head abashed, but said nothing, while the 
young lady burst out crying. 

“ Now, my dear fellow,” said I, “I do not intend to 
imitate your example, and preach to you as you would to 
me, if you caught me in a similar scrape. I don’t mind 
a fellow going around among the girls and having fun, 
only I like him to be consistent in his conduct. If you 
are ambitious of being a libertine and seducer, come out 
openly in that character before the whole world, and don’t 
attempt to hide your wickedness under the cloak of your 
sacred profession. Come, old fellow, you ’re in rny 
power, and it depends on yourself whether you don’t get 
into a devil of a scrape.” 

“What would you do? ” he asked in a faltering voice. 
“ What do you want ? money ? ” 

“What! Money from you?’* I exclaimed, with bit- 
ter contempt. “ You dirty little cur 1 I earn my money 
by my pen, not by prying into the nefarious secrets of 
insignificant whelps like you. I would n’t have taken this 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


99 


trouble to-night, only I had an object. You have tried 
to blacken not only my character, but that of a noble and 
virtuous woman. Oh, I know you ! You are the witness 
who saw me dashed over the falls ! You were here bath- 
ing when it occurred, and had to run off like a coward, 
and babble ‘about our accident.’ ” 

“ But I ’ll deny it,” he said ; “ I ’ll do anything.” 

“ I judge you will,” said 1. “ You ’ll do just as I tell 

you, or I ’ll carry your clothes to the house, and place 
certain letters I found in your pockets m the hands of 
this young lady’s father.” 

At this they both begged and entreated me to have 
mercy on them. 

“ Do as I tell you,” said I, “and I will not squeal on 
you.” 

Then I lighted a pine-knot, and taking my reporter’s 
note-book and pencil from my pocket, I turned to a blank 
leaf, and told the parson to write as I dictated, as follows: 

“ I, Samuel Barth, a minister of the Gospel, do solemnly declare 
that what I told concerning the scandalous doings of Mr. Jonathan 
Jinks and Mrs. Bertha Pensive, as witnessed by me, was a wilful and 
malicious lie, told to accomplish purposes of my own. I never saw 
anything in the conduct of either to cause the least suspicion of their 
virtue or morality. Samuel Barth, D. D. 

Fernwood Cottage, July 3, 1877.’’ 


After he had written this, I tore out the leaf and put it 
in my pocket-book. 

“Now,” said I, “you can have your clothing.” 


100 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


I then led them to where I had hid their garments, but 
before giving him his coat, I abstracted the letters. He 
saw what I had done, and asked if I meant to betray him. 

“No,” said 1 3 “but I will keep these as a guarantee 
that you will not betray me. I shall leave Fernwood to- 
morrow. Meet me on the road, after I depart, and I will 
give you these letters.” 

I then left them and returned to the house. The fol- 
lowing day was the Fourth of July, and I learned it was 
to be observed at Fernwood with patriotic ceremonies, 
speeches, reading the Declaration, etc. I determined to 
be one of the party. 

Accordingly, the next morning, at ten o’clock, the 
ceremonies began on the front porch, the speakers using 
a dry-goods box as a platform. 

As I before stated, there was considerable coolness 
towards me, scarcely any one speaking, save the Rev. Mr. 
Barth, who had grown suddenly very humble. Mrs. Pen- 
sive was among the spectators, a fact of which I was very 
glad. 

The Rev. Mr. Pensive had just concluded reading the 
Declaration when I stepped upon the platform. 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” said I, “before we conclude 
these interesting ceremonies, allow me to read another 
declaration — one as important to me as the glorious one 
our brother has just read, for it involves a Christian 
woman’s honor and fair fame. Allow me, also, in the 
way of preface, to express my opinion of you all as a 
lot of cranky, mock -Christian, meddling, interloping 


LOVE ON THE BRANDYWINE. 


lOI 


hypocrites, too blind to know a sin when you see it, con- 
founding the innocent with the guilty, and guided only by 
your fanaticism and prejudices.” 

So saying, I read aloud what the preacher had written. 
As I expected, nobody believed it. They said it was a 
forgery, and called on Barth to vindicate himself. 

“What do you say, brother?” I asked the clergyman. 

Is this letter a forgery or not ? ’ ’ 

“It is not,” he replied, hanging his head. 

“Then you wrote it?” 

“I did.” 

“And the lady is innocent of the charges you made?” 

“She is innocent,” he replied, meekly. 

A “worldly” crowd, on hearing this, would have hissed 
the informer, but these heavenly-minded saints took an- 
other course. Instead of blaming the culprit, they con- 
doned with him, the women shaking their heads, and 
saying they did n’t believe a word of it — that Mr. Barth 
must be mad ; while one gentleman called the assembly 
to order, then dropping on his knees, prayed long and 
earnestly for the young but erring brother. 

Tired of such cant, I hurried to my room, seized my 
carpet-bag, and departed, after paying my board-bill. I 
felt like a new man when I shook the dust of the place off 
my feet. 

I had not proceeded far, when I heard the pattering of 
feet behind me, and, looking around, discovered the Rev. 
Samuel Barth, in hot pursuit, after his letters. 

I felt so disgusted with the fellow, that I could not 
9 * 


102 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


resist the temptation to give him a kick. So, after I 
handed him the letters, I seized him by the collar, and 
turning him squarely around, planted my big toe in the 
centre of his coat-tails. He must have thought a steam- 
ram ' had struck him, for he went bouncing up the road 
about forty feet. Then, instead of turning around and 
swearing, or throwing stones, as any man or boy of any 
spirit would have done, he merely raised his hands on 
high and cried : 

“ Heaven forgive you ! ” and then walked towards the 
house as meekly as a lamb, while I struck a bee-line for 
Philadelphia. 


CANDLER’S CENTENNIAL COUSINS. 


MR, JINKS MEETS HIS FRIEND CANDLER, WHO IS DIS- 
CONSOLATE OVER THE NUMBER OF HIS CENTENNIAL 

VISITORS HOW COUNTRY PEOPLE SPONGE ON THEIR 

CITY COUSINS WHEN THEY COME TO TOWN — CANDLER 
TAKES JINKS INTO HIS CONFIDENCE — JINKS’s CONVER- 
SATION WITH THE COUNTRY VISITORS — TAKES THEM 
OUT TO HAVE “A NIGHT OF IT ” — WHAT OCCURRED 
AT A NOTED CHESTNUT STREET SALOON — THE COUN- 
TRYMEN AND THE FRIED OYSTER LUNCH — THEY PAY 
A VISIT TO THE ACADEMY THE BUMPKINS’S ADMIRA- 

TION OF THE BALLET — JINKS TRANSGRESSES THE LAW 
AND PICKS A POCKET — HOW GANDLER GOT RID OF HIS 
CENTENNIAL VISITORS. 

T MET my friend Gandler in the Mercantile Library 
X during the Centennial, looking terribly downcast and 
dejected. He held a book in his hand, but on glancing 
over his shoulder I discovered it was upside down, al- 
though he was gazing intently at its pages. 

“My dear fellow,” said I, “what is the matter? You 
look as if you had the blues.” 

“I have got ’em. Jinks,” said he, looking up and re- 
cognizing me. “I’ve got ’em bad.” 


103 


104 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“Why, old fellow, what has happened? Sickness or 
death in the family? Anything of that nature?” 

“No,” said he, “nothing so bad as that. But I have 
been suffering all summer from an overdose of Centennial 
visitors.” 

“ Ah,” said I j “ I hear the same complaint from a good 
many of my friends.” 

“Yes, Jinks,” said Gandler ; “I suppose it would be 
hard to find a resident family in this city who has not 
been troubled with its friends from the country recently. 
My trouble began as far back as last May. Bless your 
soul, it is not my relations, but my wife’s. Her people 
all live in the country, and as sure as anything important 
turns up in the city, I have the whole crew sponging on 
me down to the forty-second cousin.” 

“Why don’t you insult them?” I asked. “I would 
not have any relations living off me.” 

“ How am I going to help it? ” he inquired, piteously. 
“ My wife don’t want them any more than I do ; but she 
hates to give them the cold shoulder — in fact, it would 
take a very broad hint before we could affront some of 
them.” 

“ Why don’t they go to a hotel ? ” I asked. 

“ You don’t catch people from the country going to a 
hotel, when they have friends or relatives in town. Why, 
I have known cases where they planted themselves down 
on families with whom they could claim no relationship 
whatever. For instance, our first visitor after the open- 
ing of the Centennial was an uncle, by marriage, of my 


gandler’s centennial cousins. 105 

wife’s sister. Of course, he was no relative of mine. 
But he came from Colorado, with a big trunk and a 
valise, and, without asking leave, planted himself down 
on us for six weeks, and never offered to pay one cent of 
board. I tell you. Jinks, it is expensive when you have 
another mouth thrust upon you to feed, and that mouth 
the property of a hearty, full-grown farmer, with an appe- 
tite like a bear. Why that fellow every week consumed 
at least ten dollars’ worth of extra food, to say nothing of 
the trouble he caused.” 

“ I have no doubt of it,” said I. 

“ It comes particularly hard on a poor fellow like me, 
who has to depend on a meagre salary. If I were rich, I 
would n’t mind it ; but, even then, the trouble it gives 
the women folks is unpleasant. Besides, some people 
don’t care about having a comparative stranger about the 
house.” 

“Well, how did you make out with your other rela- 
tives?” 

“Oh, they came pouring in upon me. Before the old 
sponger from Colorado had gone, another delegation from 
Ohio arrived. This last party was another uncle of my 
wife’s, and hiis family. This uncle was a preacher, and, 
as may be expected, he was the prince of spongers. Why, 
when he found we had n’t room to accommodate him 
and his family of eight, he insisted on staying, saying he 
did n’t wish to expose his little flock to the temptations 
of a hotel. He could sleep anywhere, he said, so his 
wife and children were provided for. The upshot of the 


io6 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


matter was, I was turned out of my bed for three weeks, 
and had to sleep down in the parlor on the sofa, while the 
old saint occupied my bed, and my wife had to turn in 
the best she could with his children. So much for enter- 
taining country cousins.” 

“ I suppose such hospitality is very expensive ? ” said I. 

“Well, I’ll tell you. Jinks,” Gandler replied. “At 
the beginning of this infernal Centennial, I had three 
hundred dollars salted down in bank. I not only had to 
draw it all out, but, out of my salary of twenty-five dollars 
a week, I have not been able to save one cent. Why, one 
of our guests actually borrowed five dollars from me during 
his stay, and never paid it back. If I went out riding with 
them in the street-cars, I had their fares to pay. They 
would sit grinning at the conductor, with their hands in 
their pockets, playing the dumb game — too dumb to take 
out their money — until I had to pay, or else have the 
attention of the whole car attracted towards us. When a 
countryman comes to town, he wants everything for 
nothing — board, car fare, whiskey, and amusements. 
They are always ready to drink, but never to treat.” 

“But, now that the Centennial is over, I suppose your 
friends will desert you. The rush •was only during the 
great show.” 

“I don’t know about that,” said he; “ it don’t look 
so. At any rate, we had a fresh arrival this afternoon. 
It was only last Saturday that I got rid of my wife’s aunt 
from Wisconsin, who had been staying with us eight 
weeks. I was beginning to feel happy, and looking 


gandler’s centennial cousins. 107 


forward with some degree of certainty to getting myself 
a suit of winter clothing, when, on going home to my 
dinner to-day, who should I find seated at the table but 
my wife’s cousin Jake, from Evartstown, New Jersey, with 
his wife and four children, and, what was worse, another 
young man, a friend of Jake’s, whom the latter had in- 
vited to stop at our house. If I had had the courage, I 
would have ordered the whole party out of the house, 
but my wife would n’t consent. I tell you I am disheart- 
ened. I no sooner receive my salary, than it is all spent. 
I had not the heart this afternoon to go to work. The 
way things are going, I see nothing but ruin before 
me.” 

I told him he must be more of a man, and not allow 
people to impose on him so. 

“ Never mind what your wife says,” said I ; “you are 
the bread-winner, and the master of the house. If she 
is determined to entertain her relations, to the ruin of 
yourself, you are no man if you don’t shut down on it. 
It is a duty you owe to your children. It don’t always 
do to be submissive and polite. A few blunt, determined 
words often do better — especially when a lot of impostors 
are trying to prey on you. How do you suppose men 
like Stewart and Vanderbilt would ever have accumulated 
their money, if, in the start, they had not the courage to 
say ‘No’ when necessity demanded that monosyllable? 
I tell you, Handler, I sometimes come to the conclusion 
that men get along better without politeness than with it, 
and are as much respected.” 


io8 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


Gandler thought my points were well taken, but I saw 
he had not the courage to carry my advice into effect. 

He rose soon afterwards to go home. As he was about 
leaving, he asked me if I wouldn’t go up to the house 
and have tea with him. . 

“No, no, my dear boy,” said I; “you have mouths 
enough to feed without mine. Besides, I am paying 
thirty dollars a week board at the Continental Hotel, and 
I make it a point never to lose a meal, so the hotel pro- 
prietors won’t get the best of me.” 

“But, Jinks, can’t you make an exception?” he 
pleaded. “I would really like you to go to the house 
with me, just to see my country cousins. It would do you 
good to see how they behave, and the way I am annoyed. 
Do come ! While I am spending money, I may as well 
give my own friends the benefit of the entertainment.” 

After coaxing me awhile, I consented to go on one con- 
dition — that he would do whatever I desired. 

“Just do as I tell you, old boy,” said I, “and I think 
I can rid you of your Centennial cousins.” 

He promised to obey me religiously, so we took a car 
and rode up-town. Reaching the house, he let us in with 
his night-key. On entering the parlor, there were the 
Centennial guests, sure enough. Seven of them — two 
men, one woman, and four children. 

I was introduced to the family. Their name was Cum- 
mings, and the name of the young man who accompanied 
them was Smith. I learned, after some conversation, that 
he was their hired man. 


gandler’s centennial cousins. 109 

“You have come rather late to see the big show,” said 
I, opening the conversation; “you should have come a 
month ago.” 

“ I should have liked to come sooner,” said the farmer, 
“ but we could n’t get our work done in time. However, 
I guess I can spend four weeks to advantage in Philadel- 
phia, looking at the sights.” 

Here Gandler sighed, but said nothing. 

“ Have you a farm up in the country? ” I asked. 

“Oh, yes,” said he, “a farm of two hundred acres. 
I have six horses, and over thirty head of cattle. I value 
the entire property at over fifteen thousand dollars.” 

“ That is comfortable,” said I. “ I suppose your farm 
is quite pleasant in summer? ” 

“It is a paradise,” he replied, rubbing his hands with 
evident self-satisfaction. 

“Farmer,” said I, “I think Gandler, his family, and 
myself, will all come up and pay you a visit next summer. 
We have been looking for some time for a friend with a 
farm, where we could spend the hot months.” 

The old fellow’s countenance changed immediately. 
He shifted nervously on his chair, assumed a forced smile, 
and seemed completely taken aback. 

“We’d be happy to have you, Mr. Jinks,” said he; 
“but you see we have no accommodations. We have 
only two bedrooms furnished in the house. Tom Smith, 
here, our hired man, and our boys occupy one room, and 
we have the other.” 

“ I am not particular where I sleep,” I replied. “Any- 
10 


I lO 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


thing is good enough for me. I can make myself com- 
fortable in the barn, I guess.” 

“ I allow nobody to sleep in the barn,” said the farmer. 
“I am afraid of the hay being set on fire. However, Mr. 
Jinks, if you really do want to come up into the country 
next summer, there is an excellent boarding-house near 
us, where you can get good board for ten dollars a week. 
I speak from knowledge, for I have got a share in the 
house.” 

“ I suppose you found the hotels all full when you 
reached the city,” I inquired, to change the subject, 
“ and were unable to procure board elsewhere ? ” 

“I don’t know anything about the hotels,” said the 
farmer. “We didn’t go near any. I knew Gandler 
would feel insulted if we came to town and did n’t come 
directly here; so, as soon as we reached the city, I said, 
‘Mother, let us hunt up Gandler.’ Besides, hotel board 
is so outrageously high that I could n’t afford to pay it.” 

About this time Mrs. Gandler announced that supper 
was ready, and we all prepared to enjoy the meal. It 
would have done you good to have seen the way those 
visitors put away buckwheat-cakes and sausage ; but poor 
Gandler didn’t seem to enjoy the sight much. Every 
time old Cummings would take a fresh buckwheat-cake on 
his plate, he would say : 

“ By hokey ! they are good ! ” 

Then Gandler, who was sitting beside me, would pinch 
me on the knee, and whisper: “The old pig! Look at 
him ! ” 


gandler’s centennial cousins. Ill 


But that hired man, Tom, beat them all. Jerusalem ! 
what an appetite ! I hope I may grow baldheaded if that 
fellow didn’t get away with thirty-six buckwheat cakes, 
and smeared both butter and molasses over every one of 
them. Mrs. Gandler only put ten sausages on the table, 
and these were gone in no time. In fact, we were not 
half done our supper when the supply of buckwheat-cakes 
gave out, and we had to fall back on bread and butter. 
Then the guests’ appetites suddenly left them, and they 
retired from the table unsatisfied. 

After supper was over I gave Gandler the wink, and 
told him to invite his friends out and have a look at the 
city by night. Old Cummings said that would suit him 
“ to a notch,” and told his hired man to put on his hat 
and come along. We got into a city passenger-car and 
proceeded to the centre of the city. 

When the conductor came after his fare, I was minutely 
inspecting a time-table on the other side of the car, and 
nudged Gandler to do the same. 

“Fare, gentlemen,” said the conductor, looking at all 
four of us to see who was going to take out his pocket- 
book. 

Gandler and I were as mute as rabbits. The two coun- 
trymen stuck their hands deep in their pockets, and put 
on a broad grin. 

“ Come, gentlemen,” said the conductor, at last, in a 
determined tone, “you must either pay your fares or leave 
the car. I have no time to lose. 

Old Cummings saw things were getting serious. 


II2 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“Gaudier,” said he, nudging my friend, “he wants 
his fare.” 

“ Well, why don't you pay it?” I asked, speaking up 
for Gandler. 

“ Pay it ! Bless your soul, I ’m not going to pay any 
fares,” said the old skinflint. “ Come on, boys, let ’s get 
out and walk. I ’d as lieve walk as ride. We can save 
that money.” 

“ Never mind,” said I, tendering the fare. “ I ’ll pay 
this time, and you fellows can treat to drinks when we 
get to Chestnut Street.” 

“ When you get any drinks out of me,” said the farmer, 
“ there will be gray hairs on the top of your head.” 

I said nothing, determined to see how far his meanness 
would go. When we reached Chestnut Street, the first 
saloon we came to, I said : 

“ Boys, let ’s go in and take something. It will put us 
in better condition to see the elephant.” 

“I scarcely ever drink,” said the farmer, rubbing his 
chin. 

“Well, make an exception this time. It will do you 
no harm,” I said, coaxingly. 

“ I ’ll go in with you,” said the farmer, “ if you insist 
on it ; but, mind, I am not going to spend any money. I 
can’t afford it.” 

I told him nobody required that. When I asked a man 
to drink I expected to do the treating myself. He said 
that suited him exactly, and, throwing his cud of tobacco 
into the street, he followed us into the saloon. 


gandler’s centennial cousins. 113 

It made me ashamed the way those countrymen took 
their liquor. The drinks we called for were whiskey- 
punches. Now, as everybody knows, it is fashionable to 
sip whiskey-punch through a straw or a glass tube. These 
whiskey- punches had ice-cream floating on the surface, 
and a glass tube to sip it up. There was also a small 
spoon provided to eat the cream with. I was busy with 
my punch, when Gandler nudged me, and, upon looking 
around, I saw both my rural friends drinking theirs down, 
direct from the glass, while their moustaches and beards 
were full of ice-cream. 

This was too much for me. I was about hurrying them 
out, when a waiter came along with fried oysters, stuck 
on the prongs of forks, for lunch. Of course, he intended 
us to take an oyster off the fork and eat it, but my 
country friends took a different view of the matter. They 
seized forks and all, ate the oysters, and then put the forks 
in their pockets. I had to argue with them about five 
minutes before I could persuade them to return the forks 
to the waiter, as they pretended to think he intended to 
present one to each customer. 

I had intended at first to treat only once, but when I 
get one glass of whiskey in me I forget all my prudence, 
and cannot restrain my liberality. The old farmer got 
quite jolly, too, and whenever I would ask him to take a 
drink he would say: 

“ Well, I don’t care if I do. Jinks. Them ’ere punches 
are sort of good, ain’t they? Darn it ! there ain’t no use 
coming to town, if we can’t see fun.” 

10* H 


II4 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

He repeated this so often, that at last I thought the rum 
was getting the best of him, and he intended to spend a 
little money himself ; so I said to the old man : 

“ Pop, perhaps you would like to treat a little. Cand- 
ler and I have done our fair share of it. We ’ll take a 
round with you, if you say so ? ” 

The old fellow’s face turned pale, and his hands spas- 
modically clutched his pockets. 

“ No, sir,” said he. “I never spend my money fool- 
ishly. It ’s too hard to get hold of. I intend to see the 
whole of this Centennial, and it sha’n’t cost me ten dol- 
lars. If I find there is any expense attached to it, I am 
going home.” 

I told him not to worry himself; that I had plenty of 
money, and would do the treating. At this his face 
brightened. I wanted to get him drunk. My next care 
was to get them in some crowded theatre, where the heat 
would operate on the whiskey. 

“ Boys,” said I, “ let us drop into the Academy. It is 
about time to see the ballet, I guess.” 

“Where is the Academy? ” asked the farmer. 

“ It is a handsome theatre on Broad Street, where they 
have lots of pretty girls on the stage, dancing,” said 1. 

“Oh, ho!” said he, winking his eye slyly. “I’ve 
hearn tell of them places. Something like the Black 
Crook, ain’t it, where there are lots of legs to be seen.” 

I told him it was something on that order. The old 
fellow spruced up at this, and wanted to go there at 
once. 


gandler’s centennial cousins. 115 

My influence procured free admission into the Academy 
for the party, and I immediately hurried them into the 
crowd. The ballet was upon the stage, and the old fel- 
low’s eyes sparkled as the array of faultless limbs dazzled 
him. 

“By gracious ! ” he cried, putting on his spectacles to 
get a better look. “Isn’t that scrumptious. Jinks? I 
wonder if all of them wimmen are married ? ’’ 

“Some of them are married,’’ said I, “and more would 
like to be.’’ 

“ I wonder they are not ashamed, standing up there 
without any frocks on,’’ said the farmer. “Don’t they 
catch cold ? ’’ 

I told him that what he saw was but a semblance 
of nature ; beneath it was packed sawdust. His jaw 
rather dropped at this information, and he heaved a 
deep sigh. 

I soon saw that he was getting boozy. When he was 
sufficiently stupefied, I took him into the street again, and 
then, while Handler walked onward with Tom, I took 
charge of the old fellow, and, walking him through a dark 
street, managed to put my hand into his pocket and ab- 
stract his pocket-book, which was fairly bursting open 
with bank-notes. 

Soon after I put the whole party on a car, and sent 
them home. Then I counted my prize. It contained 
about two hundred and fifty dollars in notes, besides 
smaller change. I hid these safely in my trunk, and kept 
my own counsel. 


Il6 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

The next morning, as I was proceeding to business, I 
met a waiter leading Gandler and his friends on the search 
for me. Of course, they were looking for the money. I 
told them I had not seen it. I said no doubt somebody 
had picked his pockets on his way home in the cars. 
This at first he would not believe, but I insisted that he 
went home drunk, and there were half a hundred ways in 
which he might have lost the money. 

They got no satisfaction out of me, and left soon after- 
wards. That evening, about ten o’clock, I met Gandler 
again on Chestnut Street. 

“Jinks, my friend,” said he, “I have got rid of them 
at last, thank heaven ! ’ ’ 

“ Got rid of whom? ” I asked. 

“ Why, my country friends. It ’s at least forty dollars 
in my pocket. As soon as the old man found his money 
was gone, he wanted to leave for home immediately. His 
wife would have liked to stay a day or so to see the sights, 
but he wouldn’t listen to remaining an hour longer. 
Heaven bless the man who stole that pocket-book ! ’ ’ said 
Gandler, with a pious ejaculation. 

“Thank you, my dear fellow,” said I. “I claim that 
blessing.” 

“ What ! you? You did n’t take the money? ” he ex- 
claimed, in wild astonishment. 

I told him, before he got his curiosity excited, to 
accompany me to my house. Then I showed him the 
purse.' 

“ There you are,” said I. “ There is the pocket-book. 


GANDLER’s centennial cousins, 117 


with every cent in it, just as I found it. All you have to 
do is to send it to its owner, and say he mislaid it in his 
bedroom. He ’ll never suspect anything.” 

I thought Gandler would get down on his knees to 
thank me. I never, in all my life, saw a man so grateful. 
He said I was the best friend he ever had in the world. 
I told him not to overpower himself, and upon this the 
good-hearted fellow went on his way rejoicing. 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. 


MR. JINKS RECEIVES INFORMATION THAT MORMON MEETINGS 

ARE HELD IN PHILADELPHIA RESOLVES TO VISIT ONE 

IS ADMITTED, AND USHERED INTO THE MIDST OF THE CON- 
GREGATION THE MISSIONARY INDUCES HIM TO BECOME 

A CONVERT — JINKS RECEIVES HIS BAPTISM AND ANOINT- 
MENT, AND BECOMES A BROTHER SOME CURIOUS PRO- 

CEEDINGS — IS INVITED TO EMBRACE POLYGAMY, AND 

SELECT A SCORE OF WIVES FROM THE CONGREGATION 

THE DIFFICULTY HE EXPERIENCED IN SECURING HOTEL 

ACCOMMODATIONS FOR HIS LARGE FAMILY IS FINALLY 

ACCOMMODATED, BUT THE NEXT MORNING SECURES A 

RESIDENCE OF HIS OWN SOME NECESSARY ALTERATIONS 

THAT THE CARPENTER HAD TO MAKE IN THE HOUSE 

THE MAMMOTH BED JINKS AND HIS WIVES RETIRE TO 

REST — A NIGHT OF TROUBLE — SOME VERY PUGNACIOUS 
FEMALES — JINKS RESOLVES TO RID HIMSELF OF THE 
TERMAGANTS, AND, UNDER PRETENCE OF TAKING THEM 
TO UTAH, LOCKS THEM IN A PARLOR-CAR AND SENDS 
THEM WEST. 

I RECEIVED an anonymous communication the other 
day that Mormon meetings were being secretly held 
at a house up-town, and the writer intimated that the 
proceedings were rich, and it would be something spicy 

ii8 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. II9 


for me to write up. The note continued to say that if I 
would call at the number given, on a designated evening, 
at eight o’clock, I would be admitted, and could see for 
myself what was going on. 

Novelty being a scarce commodity at this time, I de- 
termined to investigate the matter. I found the number 
stated was a large four-story house, one of a row of similar 
houses not very far up-town. A vigorous pull at the bell 
brought a buxom-looking English girl to the door. 

“Is there a Mormon meeting to be held here to-night? ” 
I inquired. 

“Yes, sir,” said she. “Walk in.” 

I followed her, and she led me to two large communi- 
cating rooms on the second floor, where about two hun- 
dred people, mostly females, were assembled, seated on 
benches across the room, while at the end a rude tem- 
porary platform had been arranged ft)r the preacher. I 
arrived just in the nick of time, for I had no sooner taken 
my seat than there entered a tall, portly-looking gentle- 
man, of fifty, with a long, ecclesiastical beard, followed 
by a ruddy-faced but very demure young man, who wore 
a hat big enough for an umbrella. As these individuals 
mounted the pulpit there was a general murmur, which 
subsided when the tall man arose and gave out the hymn. 

The whole congregation joined in the singing, and, as 
I always suit myself to the company, I sang as loud as 
any of them, although I did n’t know the words. 

The sermon came next, but I will skip that by to come 
to a more important matter — at least, as far as I am indi- 


120 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


vidually concerned. It was at the close of his address 
that the missionary — for such he was — advanced to the 
desk, and, looking over the room with a very solemn 
countenance, said : 

“ Now let me speak a word to each of you individu- 
ally. Are you safe? Oh, my dear brethren and sisters, 
take that question home to yourselves. Remember, there 
is no safety outside of the Mormon church. It is the 
only true religion, and I say if there are any here to-night 
who have not yet entered the ark let them do so at once. 
Now let every true adherent of the church stand up, that 
we may distinguish the Gentiles among us.” 

They all rose except me. I was going to stand up too, 
when I saw how matters were, so as not to attract atten- 
tion, but my inborn regard for the truth kept me rooted 
to my seat. Then every eye was turned upon me, and a 
general groan arose "all over the room. 

“I see we have one Gentile among us,” said the 
preacher. “Will not the young gentleman rise and let 
us all get a good look at him ? ” 

A modest man would have sunk through the floor at 
this request ; but I am not one of the modest kind, and, 
besides, I knew that I was well worth looking at. So I 
rose boldly, and, putting on my best smile, took a gen- 
eral survey around the room. I saw immediately the 
favorable impression I produced upon the female members 
of the flock, while the men regarded me with unutterable 
jealousy. The parson, however, did n’t seem disposed to 
let any jealous motives lose him a convert. Stepping from 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. I2I 


the rude pulpit, he advanced down the aisle to where I 
was sitting, and, seizing me by the hand, said : 

“ Now is the time, dear brother. Don’t delay. Every 
hour lost is one of usefulness on the earth misspent. 
Come, let me anoint you. Let me christen you as one 
of the flock.” 

Now, strange as it may appear, although, like a good 
many others, I believe the Mormon religion about the big- 
gest humbug on the face of the earth, I had an insatiable 
curiosity to know what this anointing and christening all 
meant, and, reckless scapegrace that I am, to gratify it, 
I actually pretended to turn penitent, and expressed a 
desire to join the church. Taking out my pocket-hand- 
kerchief, I managed to squeeze out a few tears, and, with 
a groan or two, soon convinced them of my sincerity. 
Then the missionary placed his arm lovingly about my 
neck and led me to the altar. 

The first ceremony was prayer, in which the entire con- 
gregation joined. At its close, the missionary whispered 
to me to follow him to the next room. Doing so, he 
turned confidentially to me. 

“I have been in communication with the spirit of 
Brigham Young,” said he, “and he consents to your 
initiation and baptism. Have you twenty dollars about 
you?” 

“I guess I can raise that amount if I try,” said I. 

“Then fork it over,” said he. ' “It is the initiation 
fee. It goes towards the support of the prophets.” 

I counted out the money in one and two dollar bills, 


122 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


and gave it to him. He greeted the greenbacks with a 
cordial welcome, and put them safely away in his pocket- 
book. Then he told me to strip. 

“Can’t you anoint me with my clothes on?” I in- 
quired, not liking the proposition altogether. 

“We can do so, but it will spoil them,” said he, “for 
we use not only tallow candles, but lard and soap-fat in 
the ceremony. You had better take your clothes off.” 

Not wishing to ruin my handsome suit of fashionable 
clothes, I immediately took them off, and the prophet 
gave me a long, white, greasy gown instead. Once 
arrayed in this, he led me to an adjoining room, where 
there was a bath-tub filled with warm water, and three 
gentlemen similarly attired as myself were awaiting me. 

Well, would you believe it, the first thing those fellows 
did, on seeing me, was to seize me before I knew what 
they were about, and throw me into that tub of hot water. 
They took me so suddenly, that 1 had n’t time to resist. 
Jehoshaphat ! why it nearly burned the hide off me ! On 
coming out, my skin looked like a boiled lobster. I was 
scarcely two seconds in the bath, but in that short time it 
made my flesh so tender, that a cannibal could have eaten 
me without cooking. 

“Gentlemen,” said I, “you are carrying this thing 
too far. I can appreciate a joke, but this is too much. 
Thunder ! My back burns as if it had been stung by a 
thousand wasps.” 

“We’ve all had to suffer it,” was the reply. “All 
your unregenerated sins are now washed from you. Come 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. I23 


into the next room, and we ’ll anoint you with the balm 
of holiness.” 

And thus they went on. I believe they must have taken 
me into twenty rooms. In one, I was rubbed down with 
lard ; in the next, I was doused into cold water ; in the 
next, a prophet blessed me for ten minutes, and in the 
next, a couple of fellows attempted to lash me with the 
cat-o’-nine tails, to scourge me for my sins, but, seeing I 
was disposed to turn the tables on them, they thought it 
prudent to omit that part of the programme. 

I suppose the whole ceremony took upwards of an hour, 
and then I was brought before the congregation again, 
clothed in my citizen’s dress, and proclaimed a true Mor- 
mon. After that they all called me “Brother Jinks,” 
and many advanced to shake me by the hand. 

“Brother Jinks,” said the. missionary, after the first 
buzz of excitement had a little subsided, “we have a 
surplus of women here, and we consider it the duty of 
every new convert to take as many of them to wife as he 
can possibly afford. What is your income. Brother Jinks ? ” 

“ Well,” said I, “ take the average of the year round, 
I make three hundred dollars a week.” 

At this, the missionary gave a low whistle that was full 
of meaning. 

“Three hundred a week!” he exclaimed. “Why, 
brother Jinks, you ought to keep twenty women, and not 
half feel the expense. The more the merrier, you know, 
dear brother. Come, what do you say? How many 
shall we saddle upon you ? ” 


124 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


This was a proposition I had not foreseen. Twenty 
wives ! Why the thing was preposterous. I had one wife 
already, and I could scarcely get along with her without 
quarrelling. Yet still the thing was a novelty, and that 
is what I am fond of. I had no doubt that a fellow could 
have a good deal of fun among twenty wives, and in an 
evil hour I determined to try the experiment. 

So I told the missionary I would take twenty of them 
on trial. 

“ Do you think twenty will be enough, brother Jinks?” 
he asked, persuasively. “You had better make it thirty. 
It is a bad thing to run short, you know.” 

I told him twenty was as many as I could get along 
with at present. He was disposed to argue the question, 
but when I said I ’d have twenty, or none at all, he 
stopped immediately, and- requested every unmarried 
woman in the congregation to stand on her feet, that 
brother Jinks might select from among them. 

Thirty-seven immediately stood up. They were of all 
ages, ranging from fourteen to seventy-five, short and fat, 
tall and slim. I gave the seventy-five year old one notice 
immediately that she might as well sit down, as I would 
begin to select from the other end of the line. She did 
not like this at all, and growled something about being 
“worth a dozen young gals,” but I gave her no encour- 
agement, and she subsided. 

My first selection was the young girl of fourteen. She 
was a plump, pretty little thing, with childish love and 
innocence beaming from her eyes. One of the elders 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. I25 

imnjediately seized her arm and walked her up to the 
pulpit, where she was stood aside as “taken.” 

My next selection was a young German woman, who 
had been “over” but a short time, and spoke English 
very indifferently. She thanked me warmly for selecting 
her, and wanted to know if I kept a beer saloon. I was 
about answering, when a voice, with an unmistakable 
African accent, attracted my attention. 

“Say, boss,” cried the voice, “don’t let dis chance 
slip by. I’se been three weeks now ’mong de Mormons, 
and nobody wants me yet, cause dey ain’t got no taste. 
Dar is more good in me, doe, dan in any of dem white 
trash.” 

The speaker was rather a comely young colored woman, 
but black as the ace of spades. She carried on her arm 
a little baby, black as herself, which was kicking, danc- 
ing, and crowing, as it glared in raptures at the gas-light. 

Out of humanity, I numbered the colored lady among 
my wives. She was delighted, and said “ dar was some 
hope for her race yet.” I also took a middle-aged widow, 
an old maid, and a big, fat, greasy-looking woman, who 
looked as if she had been sitting in market selling fish. 
Then, for a change, I selected half a dozen women who 
had been divorced from their husbands, and finished the 
rest of the list with young ladies from sixteen to twenty- 
five. I wanted variety, and when the list was completed, 
I felt satisfied that I couldn’t have displayed better judg- 
ment in my selections. 

After that the marriage cerehaony took place. It was 


126 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


long and impressive, but I shortened it a little by request- 
ing the clergyman to marry us all in a lump, instead of 
taking each wife singly. I never saw so much fun in my 
life, however, as when the ceremony was over, and it 
became the time to kiss the brides. The congregation 
made a general rush towards them, and the younger 
women and the widows were monopolized immediately, 
but the old maids, and especially the colored lady, found 
no admirers whatever. When the congregation was dis- 
missed, I told my wives to go to their homes, and I 
would hunt them up in the morning; but they wouldn’t 
listen to such a proposition. They were afraid I would 
give them the slip, and clustered around me as lovingly 
as flies around a sugar-barrel. I saw there was no way 
out of the scrape, so I bade them follow me, and I would 
try to hunt them up lodgings for the night. 

Well, would you believe it, I visited a dozen hotels 
before I could find accommodations for my family. Of 
course, I went to the Continental first. The proprietor 
rather opened his eyes when he saw me marching in at 
the head of twenty women, and, no doubt, thought it 
was a female club of some kind I was about to introduce, 
but when I made known to him my wants, he got highly 
offended. 

“Not in this establishment, sir,” said he; “not in 
this establishment shall polygamy be. practised. Why, 
Jinks, I would n’t harbor those women of yours for ten 
dollars a night each. I would lose all my guests.* This 
is the first time in my life I ’ve ever refused you anything, 
my dear friend, but it can’t be done.” 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. 12J 


I saw he meant what he said, and I departed, followed 
by my wives in single file. I next went to the Girard 
House, opposite. Here I tried a different policy. I told 
the proprietor that the women were a delegation from the 
West, on a visit to the Permanent Exhibition in the city, 
and wanted lodgings for the night. But I was again un- 
successful. The first question he asked was if the ladies 
did not belong to the “strong-minded,” and when I told 
him they did, he said he had a wholesome horror of that 
class of females, and wouldn’t board them for their 
weight in gold. At any rate, his was a Democratic 
house, and he would n’t have the “ nigger” at any price. 

I saw I had got myself into a job. At all the promi- 
nent hotels they suspected something wrong, and almost 
invariably refused my application. I knew I could pro- 
cure them lodgings if they would separate and go to 
different hotels, but they were afraid of losing me, and 
insisted on remaining together and keeping me with 
them. 

Finally, I tried a third-class hotel in the immediate 
vicinity. The proprietor received me cordially. I made 
a clean breast of it, and told him everything. 

“You see, friend Jinks,” said he, “I have a large 
hotel, and no doubt I can accommodate you, but I have 
the reputation of my house to sustain, and I cannot per- 
mit polygamous practices beneath my roof. I ’ll tell you 
what I will do, and that is only as a favor to yourself. I 
have got a number of rooms on the fifth floor, into which 
I can crowd your wives, two in a bed, but you must sleep 


128 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


down in the office, under my personal inspection, and as 
to that colored lady and her child, they must bunk in the 
cellar. The code of my house requires it.” 

“Well,” said I, sadly, “I suppose that is the best I 
can do. What is the charge ? ” 

“Fifty dollars,” said he, “ and it is dirt cheap at that. 
If they remain all day to-morrow, I shall charge a hundred 
dollars for their board. That is the best I can do.” 

I had no alternative ; so I paid him for the night’s lodg- 
ing in advance, and my wives were shown to their rooms. 
They grumbled a little because I did n’t accompany them, 
but the landlord said he ’d keep a sharp eye on me, so I 
couldn’t escape, and that satisfied them for the time. 

The next morning I was up early, and, as I saw it was 
impossible to get rid of my new incumbrances, I resolved 
to support them in a more economical manner than board- 
ing them at a hotel. After breakfast I sought the columns 
of a newspaper, and finding an eleven-roomed house to 
rent up-town, I immediately set out to engage it. I had 
no trouble in finding the landlord, paid the rent in ad- 
vance, and the house was mine. 

But here came anotlier difficulty. My wives’ insuffer- 
able jealousy got in the way. Although the rooms were 
all large and spacious, still it was out of the question for 
twenty women to sleep in the same room with me. We 
would have smothered. They insisted on doing so, how- 
ever, and I had to tax my ingenuity to get out of the dif- 
ficulty. 

In this dilemma I called in the services of a carpenter. 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. 1 29 

I told him of the trouble I was in. As he is a great ad- 
mirer of mine, he instantly left his work and volunteered 
to accompany me to the house and give me all the assist- 
ance in his power. 

Arriving at my new residence, I pointed out to the 
carpenter the insurmountable difficulties under which I 
labored. 

“Pshaw, Jinks! ’’ said he, “you ’re not half a Mormon. 
Did you never read how Brigham Young lived with his 
wives? ’’ 

“ No,” said I. “It has always been a mystery to me 
how the old fellow ever got along with them all.” 

“Why it was easily done,” replied the carpenter. 
“They all slept in one bed, and Brigham roosted in the 
middle. I read all about it in one of Mark Twain’s 
books. All you have to do is to let me knock down a 
partition or two here in the second story and make one 
large room of it, and then get me some boards and scant- 
ling, and I ’ll soon build you a bedstead large enough to 
accommodate forty wives.” 

I am always open to original suggestions, and told the 
carpenter to go ahead, not thinking what the landlord 
would say about having his house remodelled in this style. 
In the meantime I went around to a well-known furniture 
and upholstering establishment, and gave them an order 
to furnish the house with everything necessary towards 
housekeeping except bedsteads. 

By eight o’clock in the evening everything was ar- 
ranged. Three large fooms had been knocked intp one, 

I 


130 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

and a bedstead fifty feet in width and seven in length had 
been erected. I had instructed the carpenter to make it 
large enough, for I wanted plenty of sea-room. 

As to the furniture in the house, it was all I could desire. 
The kitchen was especially well provided, and had ample 
accommodations to do the cooking for a large hotel. 

At nine o’clock in the evening I took my wives to their 
new home, and they immediately insisted on going to bed. 
Of course my voice was powerless in that large family, and 
I was forced to let the majority do as they pleased. They 
told me to sit down in the kitchen, and enjoy myself until 
they were ready, and then they ’d call me. 

In about ten minutes I heard several sharp, shrill voices, 
which I knew belonged to the old maids in the party, cry , 
down the back stairs : 

“Jinks! Come up ! Hurry!’’ 

Well, for the first time in my recollection, my legs fairly 
trembled under me. My situation was worse than Brig- 
ham Young’s, for the prophet had married them one at a 
time, and got used to the ordeal by degrees, but here I 
had rashly allied myself to a scorce of them at once. But 
I was in for it now. I hunted around the closet to find a 
little whiskey, to screw up my courage ; but, as the deuce 
would have it, there wasn’t a drop, so, with a foreboding 
heart, I attired myself in my night-dress, and marched 
slowly up-stairs. It was five minutes before I could sum- 
mon courage to enter the room. I ’d open the door, peep 
in through the crack, and quickly close it again, for every 
time I caught a glimpse of the whole group, gathered 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. I3I 

around the stove, looking like so many ghosts in their 
snowy garments, my heart failed me. They caught sight 
of me also, and did their best to give me encouragement, 
by crying : 

Come in. Jinks ! ” “ Don’t be afraid ! ” “ We won’t 
eat you!” “Oh, come in and make yourself sociable,” 
and similar exclamations. I saw there was no use of my 
standing out there, making a fool of myself, and, inspired 
with something of the feeling of Caesar when he crossed 
the Rubicon and burned the bridges, I boldly entered. 

As I did so there was a general scrimmage among the 
women to get in bed first. Of course I went for the 
middle pillow, but felt my heart sink within me when I 
discovered that the colored lady had secured a place on 
one side of me, and the fishwoman on the other. By 
gracious ! I never saw such a jealous set of women. They 
were like a company of catamounts. They did n’t give 
me a minute’s rest. First, one faction would catch me by 
the legs and pull me to one end of the bed, and then an- 
other party would pull me back again. They used me as 
if I were an old cheese, or a barrel of flour — not at all 
with that respect that wives should show to a husband. I 
don’t know who were the worst, the old maids or the 
widows. They acted as if they had n’t another minute to 
live. The only ones who did show any sense or decency 
were the young girls, and even they stood over in one 
corner, pouting all night, while the majority were making 
night dismal by their outcries and warfare. 

Well, when morning came, I was never so used up in 


132 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


my life. The battle was not at all directed against me, 
but I was necessarily in the way, and received more than 
my share of the blows and scratches. My face looked as 
if it had been tattooed, and I never came nearer being 
placed under the necessity of wearing a wig than after 
that night of agony. Everything was smeared with blood, 
hair was torn out by the roots, while such a number of 
switches and false teeth scattered around I never witnessed 
in my life before. In this mode of warfare, the colored 
lady eclipsed all the rest. She went into the thing with 
some spirit, and would gouge right for her enemies’ eyes, 
as if she had had considerable practice in the art, and, 
when she w'ould get the worst of the encounter, would 
howl so loud that she could be heard for several squares 
around. 

I was glad when morning came. Then I discovered 
that the whole neighborhood had been aroused by the 
noise, and the street was already full of curious spectators, 
anxious to know what was the matter. When my wives 
learned this condition of affairs, it had the effect of calm- 
ing them down a little, and, after a time, I succeeded in 
persuading them to leave the house quietly. 

I hit on an ingenious but desperate means of escaping 
from my persecutors. I talked them into the belief that 
I was about to take them to Utah, and led them to the 
Pennsylvania depot, where I engaged a parlor-car, with 
instructions to the conductor to lock them in, and not 
let them out until they were away in the far West, on 
the mountains, or plains, somewhere. My plan worked so 


THE TRIALS OF A LATTER-DAY SAINT. I33 


well that, half an hour afterwards, I had the extreme 
pleasure of seeing the train move away, with my wives 
locked in the car, while I remained on the platform, 
glorying in my freedom. 

I have renounced Mormonism. It is an infernal hum- 
bug, and a plurality of wives is the very devil. It don’t 
suit my ideas of a quiet life at all. I am so battered up 
and bruised that I feel I shall have to take a trip to the 
mountains before I will be myself again. As to that 
house I altered and ruined, I suppose I ’ll have that to 
pay for. It ’s just my luck ! 

12 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. 


MR. JINKS VISITS CAPE MAY STOPS AT THE STOCKTON 

VERY UNEXPECTEDLY MEETS HIS WIFE THERE — HIS 
FLIRTATIONS WITH THE LADY GUESTS — THE PLEASURES 
OF A SALT-WATER BATH HIS INTRODUCTION TO A LIT- 
ERARY LADY THE MYSTERIOUS INVITATION WHAT 

HAPPENED IN THE SUMMER-HOUSE ON THE BEACH 

JINKS IN GREAT PERSONAL DANGER HIS FLIGHT 

FINDS HIMSELF IN THE WRONG ROOM THE FRIENDLY 

COOK THE ESCAPE — JINKS IN ANOTHER PERPLEXING 

PREDICAMENT HOW HE SLEPT ON THE ROOF STRANGE 

FREAK OF A SPARROW JINKS, FINDING THE CAPE TOO 

HOT FOR HIM, SUDDENLY LEAVES FOR PHILADELPHIA. 

M r. jinks, I am glad to see you,” said the pro- 
prietor of the Stockton Hotel at Cape May, one 
day last summer, as I registered my name. “I will give 
you the best room in the house. ’ ’ 

I had come to the Cape for a few days’ recreation, 
felicitating myself on some pleasant flirtations with the 
ladies, for I thought that my wife was still at Long 
Branch, where I had sent her about a month previously. 
I soon found out my mistake, however, for, on the servant 
conducting me to my room, who should be the first to 

134 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I35 

spring out to welcome me, but Mrs. Jinks, attired in a 
morning wrapper, and with crochet-work in her hands, as 
if she were making herself at home. Though I was 
cursing inwardly, I had to make the best of it, and pre- 
tend to be highly pleased at the unexpected meeting. 

“Why, my darling,” said I, clasping her in my arms, 
‘ ‘ how came you here ? ’ ’ 

“ I saw by the paper last Sunday, sweetest,” she replied, 
“ that you would be at Cape May this week, and I could 
not resist the temptation of coming here and surprising 
you. Come in, Jonathan, and see the baby. Isn’t he 
beautiful, lying there in his little cradle?” 

Of course I had to say the baby was beautiful, though 
I was wishing he was in Jerusalem at that moment. My 
reveries over the baby were suddenly interrupted by a 
light tap at the door, and then a rich, melodious voice 
inquired : 

“ May I come in, Mrs. Jinks?” 

“It is Mrs. Parker,” said my wife, and then the door 
opened, and there entered a tall, magnificent-looking 
woman, with a pair of dark, laughing eyes and full, rich 
red lips, that at a glance denoted the warmth and ardor 
of her disposition. 

Mrs. Jinks introduced us, and then we entered into a 
short chat. I learned that Mrs. Parker was the wife of a 
wealthy tradesman residing in one of the Western cities, 
and had previously met Mrs. Jinks at Long Branch, where 
a strong intimacy grew up between them. I saw at once 
that she was a bold, vivacious woman, at no loss for con- 


136 ' A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

versation, and with the rather uncommon habit in females 
of looking a man squarely in the face while talking to 
him. She seemed to take a fancy to me from the first, 
for I could gather from the expression of her eye that the 
sight of my fine broad shoulders, handsome face, quick, 
vivacious manner, and, more than all, my shapely, power- 
ful limbs, made a deep impression on her. 

But I was rather put out by my wife’s unexpected ap- 
pearance, and, making my apologies, I withdrew from the 
ladies, and sought Colonel Duffy, the manager of the 
hotel. 

“My dear fellow,” said I, showing considerable feeling 
in the tone of my voice, “why did n’t you tell me that 
my wife was up-stairs? I would n’t have met her for fifty 
dollars. ’ ’ 

“On the contrary, Mr. Jinks,” said he, “I thought 
you would be delighted.” 

“Why, you see it is this way,” said I, assuming an 
explanatory tone. “I have been keeping Mrs. Jinks at 
Long Branch all summer, while I have been visiting dif- 
ferent summer resorts, passing myself off as a single man, 
and having considerable fun. I came to Cape May with 
the expectation of making half a dozen conquests among 
the fair sex, but now that is all knocked in the head. 
Now that Mrs. Jinks knows where I am, she’ll keep a 
sharp eye upon me.” 

Colonel Duffy tried to console me the best he could, 
and told me I ought to settle down in life, and give up 
my wild w’ays among the women. He said I was now one 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I37 


of the prominent men of Philadelphia, and owed it to the 
city of my adoption as well as to myself, that when my 
name was mentioned abroad not a stain nor a stigma 
could be attached to it. 

“The best thing you can do. Jinks,” said the Colonel, 
“is to go and take a bath. I think the salt water will 
have a beneficial effect upon you. Go and bathe for half 
an hour, and then rub yourself down with a coarse towel, 
until the blood is ready to leap from your veins, and, my 
word for it, you ’ll feel like a new man.” 

That was a capital idea. I concluded to take his ad- 
vice at once. I had not had a salt-water bath this season, 
and it would be a pleasant novelty. 

So I sought the bath-houses of the Stockton, and pay- 
ing the man in attendance fifty cents, and giving him my 
watch and valuables to keep for me, I soon took off my 
clothes, and was arrayed in a suit of blue flannel. Then 
I proceeded boldly to the surf, where a score of bathers 
were already before me. I was just stepping into the 
water, when I heard a woman’s soft voice saying: 

“Mr. Jinks.” 

Looking around, who should I see but Mrs. Parker, in 
a neat bathing-dress that set her fine figure off to better 
advantage than before. 

' “Mr. Jinks,” said she, smilingly, “ my husband is in 
the city, and, as I am afraid to go in the water alone, may 
I depend on your gallantry? ” 

“ Certainly,” said I, taking her hand. “ Where is Mrs. 
Jinks?” 

12* 


138 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ I left her in her room. She declined bathing this 
morning. She will not be jealous, will she ? ” 

I said I hoped not, and then, seizing the lady’s hand, 
I ran with her into the surf. The first huge breaker that 
came along upset her, and, of course, I had to seize her 
tightly in my arms to get her on her feet, and keep her 
there. 

“Don’t, Mr. Jinks,” said she, blushing, and speaking 
with difficulty, for the salt water was still in her mouth. 
“Don’t squeeze me so. Somebody on the beach will 
see us.” 

At that moment, a breaker about the size of an omni- 
bus struck her, and rolled her completely off her feet. I 
seized her fondly in my strong arms, held her there as I 
would a child, and, hid by the breaker from those on the 
beach, I pressed my lips closely to hers and rained kisses 
upon them. In an instant my wonderful magnetic power 
(which every lady who has the slightest acquaintance with 
me can testify I possess) pervaded every portion of her 
body, and quickened every pulsation of her naturally 
passionate nature. Before I had time to steady myself, 
she wound her arms tightly around my neck, and returned 
my embraces with a warmth and ardor that in all my vast 
experience with women I have never seen excelled. The 
consequence was, the next breaker took me unawares, and 
heels over head I went, but I held on to the lady like 
grim death. 

“Oh, Mr. Jinks ! ” said she, after we had both regained 
our feet, and she had ejected enough water from her 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I39 

mouth to be able to speak. “What have I done? I am 
ashamed of myself. You have put a spell upon me. I 
never acted so with a man before in my life. What will 
my husband say ? ’ ’ 

I told her what she experienced was a passional attrac- 
tion ; that two souls that are born for each other always 
feel so when they first meet. She said it must be so, for 
in all her experience with her husband, she had never 
known such a feeling as she enjoyed in those few ecstatic 
moments with me. She then frankly confessed that she 
had married for money, but, up to the moment of meet- 
ing me, had never realized what true love was. 

When we came out of the water, we agreed to have 
little to say to each other about the hotel, but appointed 
a meeting for that evening in the summer-house of the 
Stockton, where I knew we would be private, and could 
enjoy an innocent little flirtation without danger of an- 
noyance. 

As soon as I was dressed, I strolled back to the hotel 
alone, and, after refreshing myself at the bar, I went to 
my room, found Mrs. Jinks, and escorted her to the din- 
ing-room. I thought I would make sure of excellent 
attendance during our stay by slipping a fifty-cent silver 
piece into the waiter’s hand, but the colored individual 
looked at it in disdain a moment, then put it into his vest- 
pocket, saying: 

“Thank you, boss. Could n’t make dat a dollar, could 
you, boss ? ’ ’ 

Then he informed me that it was customary for some 


140 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


gentlemen to give the waiters as high as twenty dollars, 
to secnre their good-will and faithful attendance during 
the season. I told him it was a very bad custom, but, as 
I dislike to be stingy when I am visiting watering-places, 
I gave him ten cents additional, and told him not to 
bother me for any more. 

After dinner I took my seat on the piazza of the hotel, 
to enjoy the breeze from the sea, when I was approached 
by a large, portly old gentleman, who had something of a 
military swing about him, and who introduced himself as 
Colonel Baird, of Missouri. I was not long in learning 
that Colonel Baird had a very pretty daughter, for she 
came up to him just as we entered into conversation, and, 
kissing him, inquired if he was ready to take a promenade 
he had promised her. My interest in the Colonel in- 
creased instantly. 

“My dear,” said the Colonel, presenting his daughter, 
“this is Mr. Jonathan Jinks, of Philadelphia, a promi- 
nent literary celebrity of that city. Mr. Jinks, this is my 
daughter Bertie. She has quite a taste for literature, and 
has already written several pretty little stories which have 
been published in the Waver ley Magazine'' 

I told the young lady I had frequently seen her name 
in print, (which was a lie, but it pleased her hugely,) and 
I requested her to let me see some of her manuscript, as 
I might possibly be of service to her in the future. I saw 
at once I had got myself into a scrape, for the young lady 
took me at my word, and hurried up-stairs for the manu- 
script. 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I4I 


While she was gone, I had quite an interesting con- 
versation with her father. 

“I saw you this morning in bathing with Mrs. Parker,” 
said he; '‘a fine woman that — a luscious woman. Is she 
a friend of yours?” 

“Oh, yes,” said I, “an intimate friend. I met her for 
the first time this morning,” 

“Your acquaintance seems to be improving wonder- 
fully,” said he. “I saw you kissing her in the water. 
What does that mean? She has a husband, hasn’t 
she?” 

I told the old gentleman he should not be too inquisi- 
tive. Then he gave a sly wink, and poked me in the 
ribs with his cane. 

“I see you are a hard case, Mr. Jinks,” said he. “By 
Jiminy ! I wish I had your youth and good looks. I ’d 
go for that woman if her husband shot me the next min- 
ute. But it ’s of no use. I ’ve whistled and winked at 
her, and flirted with my pocket-handkerchief, but she 
pays no more attention to me than if I was a statue. I 
see how it is. When a fellow gets as old as I am, he 
ought to be knocked in the head. His days of usefulness 
are over; at least, as far as the women are concerned.” 

I was about telling him not to despair, when his daugh- 
ter arrived with enough manuscript in her arms to fill a 
market-basket. I saw at once I had got myself into a 
job, but I took things good-naturedly, and, leading the 
way to the parlor, went carefully over every sketch, re- 
jecting some, but highly commending others. In this 


142 


A CURE FOR THE BEUES. 


way I assured them of my sincerity, and soon found I had 
secured the good-will of both father and daughter. 

It was late in the afternoon when I left them, but not 
before I had made the discovery that Miss Bertie had a 
beau. 

“You are only wasting time. Jinks,” said I, to myself. 
“There is no show for you there, old boy. If she has a 
beau, you had better bestow your cash and attention else- 
where.” ■% 

But I was mistaken in thinking Miss Bertie did not care 
for me. That evening, after supper, as I was sitting in 
the parlor, who should approach me but the young lady 
herself, and, slipping a note into my hand, hurried away. 
I opened it, and read as follows : 

“ Mr. Jinks. — I will be in the summer-house of the Stockton this 
evening at half-past eight. I would like to meet you there confiden- 
tially. Yours, etc., 

Bertie Baird.” 

My goodness ! What did this mean ? Was the girl, 
like the rest of her sex, infatuated with me? I put the 
note carelessly in my pocket, and then, like the heedle.ss 
scapegrace that I am, changed my clothes for a handsome 
evening suit, without transferring the young lady’s note 
from one pocket to the other. 

As I walked towards the summer-house that evening, in 
obedience to Miss Baird’s reque.st, I suddenly remembered 
that I had an appointment at the same place with Mrs. 
Parker. Now, wasn’t this a nice scrape for me to be 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE, I43 

in ? To say the least of it, I could have no fun with two 
women together, even though I should get into no further 
trouble. 

Well, on reaching the summer-house, I found Miss 
Baird awaiting me in the lower compartment. As I ap- 
proached, she arose, and held out her hands, in welcome, 
in a sweet, girlish way. 

“I am so glad you have come, Mr. Jinks,” said she. 
“Papa does not know I am here, or he would not have 
allowed me to meet you thus. You do not think me bold 
in appointing this interview, do you?” 

“Certainly not, my dear,” said I, laughing inwardly 
at the unsophisticated innocence of the girl. “ I see 
nothing at all improper in your conduct.” 

“ I was so afraid you might think me bold ? ” said she ; 
“but I so longed for this opportunity to meet you alone 
that I could not resist the temptation to write.” 

“But where is your sweetheart?” I asked; “will he 
not be jealous of this invasion of his rights?” 

“Oh, I don’t care for him,” said she. “He is so 
grum and sober that we never have any fun together. 
Pa wants me to marry him because he is rich ; but I don’t 
like him. I don’t believe he knows how to make real, 
earnest, downright love to a girl.” 

“ And what did you invite me here for? To give you 
instruction in that branch of love-making which your lover 
has neglected ? ’ ’ 

She hung her head a moment, half abashed. 

“You see,” said she, at last, “that I am a constant 


144 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


reader of your sketches, and am a particular admirer of 
your warm and passionate love scenes. But there is one 
thing I cannot understand : what do you mean by your 
personal magnetism that you allude to so often?” 

“ It is a personal gift,” I replied, ” that is possessed in 
a great degree but by few men in this country. Henry 
Ward Beecher and Theodore Tilton are both remarkable 
examples of its possession. The late Edwin Forrest also 
enjoyed it to a great extent, and Dan Webster was noted 
for it. So was Charles Dickens, and one of the great 
charms of his works is this indescribable power that he 
has imparted to them. Now I don’t claim to excel in 
this gift either on the rostrum or by my pen, but what I 
do claim is, that I can exert more influence over a woman, 
when I choose, than almost any man living. I will give 
you an illustration. Sit close beside me here. Now I 
will pass an arm around your neck and another around 
your waist. Do you not experience a peculiarly pleasant 
sensation passing through your system? ” 

“Oh, Mr. Jinks!” said she, trembling in my arms 
like a fluttering dove. “You make me feel sc? nice. I 
never felt so in my life before. You make me feel so 
queer. I shall faint with delight ! ” 

I glanced down into her face. She was deathly pale 
with excitement. Fearing the consequences, I quickly 
released my arms, and, taking my broad-brimmed Pan- 
ama hat, fanned her face gently until she revived. 

“ How strange it is 1 ” said she. “Robert has squeezed 
me a hundred times that way, but he never produced that 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I45 


sensation. Oh, my darling!” she whispered, suddenly 
drawing closer to me, “a woman can’t help loving you!” 

And then, as if moved by some uncontrollable power, 
she suddenly threw her arms about my neck, and, pressing 
my face close to hers, rained a shower of kisses upon it. 
I really pitied the poor girl — she was so young and inno- 
cent, yet so madly blind in her infatuation. I seized her 
arms and held her from me. 

“Stop, my dear miss,” said I, firmly. “This thing 
must not go too for. Remember, I am a married man, 
and you are a virtuous young woman. Remember the 
scandal it would cause if we were caught here together.” 

“ I care not what people say,” she replied, wildly. “I 
care not what I do. Take me away from here. Let me 
live near you, be close to you, and I ’ll follow you to the 
world’s end ! ” 

- I had a big notion of letting her follow me to the 
“ world’s end?” No, siree ! I did n’t want any woman 
dragging at my heels. I tried to reason with her on the 
foolishness of her passion, but all she would do was to 
sob and groan and beat her head wildly, and declare sol- 
emnly that “she’d stick to me till death.” I was in a 
pretty scrape. ‘I made a solemn vow that I ’d never 
magnetize another woman as long as I lived. 

What made things worse, just at that moment I discov- 
ered Mrs. Parker coming across the beach from the hotel, 
to keep her engagement with me. I deceived Bertie by 
telling her she was my wife, and then hurried out to meet 
the other infatuated female. 

13 K 


146 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


I led Mrs. Parker into the second story of the summer- 
house, but I had scarcely taken my seat beside her before 
the loud tones of a very familiar voice caught my ear in 
the compartment below. 

“ So it is here you come to meet my husband?” said 
the voice. “ Ain’t this nice doings for a young girl and 
a married man ? Oh, you thought you could deceive me 
to your wickedness by slipping notes into my husband’s 
hand, did you? I searched his pockets, and here is what 
you wrote, word for word,” 

“It’s Mrs. Jinks” said Mrs. Parker, all in a tremble. 
“ She ’ll discover us. What shall I do ? ” 

I told her to keep quiet, and I ’d go down-stairs and 
smooth things over. But I had barely reached the bottom 
of the stairs before I met Colonel Baird just entering the 
summer-house. I knew if the Colonel met his daughter 
and my wife together, and learned what had happened, 
there would be the deuce to pay. Thanks to my ready 
wit, however, I saw a way out of the difficulty. 

“ Colonel,” said I, seizing his arm confidentially, 
“you’re the very man I want to see. I heard you say 
to-day that you’re enamored of Mrs. Parker. Well, my 
old friend, I am rejoiced to tell you that your affection is 
reciprocated. The lady is heels over head in love with 
you, and is now waiting up there in the summer-house, 
anxious to be folded in your arms.” 

“ Jinks, you ’re my guardian angel ! ” said the Colonel, 
as he warmly squeezed my hand in the most friendly man- 
ner, and then rushed up-stairs as if there was a mad bull 
behind him. 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I47 


I then boldly approached Miss Baird and Mrs. Jinks. 

“Why, Mrs. Jinks,” said I, “are you here?” 

“Yes, traitor!” said she, with flashing eyes, “I am 
here ! What are you doing here ? That ’s what I want 
' to know. Oh, I ’ve caught you at your old tricks. Jona- 
than Jinks, )'Ou’re worse than Beecher. I can’t trust 
you out of my sight any more, if there are young girls 
around.” 

I endeavored to explain to her that I had met Miss 
Baird to give her some lessons in literature ; but she knew 
me of old, and didn’t believe a word I said. As I was 
talking, a tall gentleman entered the pavilion, glanced 
hurriedly around and then rushed up-stairs, brandishing 
his cane. 

“ It is Mr. Parker,” said Mrs. Jinks. “ I wonder what 
he wants here ? ’ ’ 

I gave a shrewd guess what he wanted. He was after 
his wife. By some means he had got wind of our appoint- 
ment, and it was his intention to make trouble. The 
next moment I heard loud voices up-stairs, mingled with 
oaths, and then came a scuffle. I knew Parker and the 
Colonel were at it hot and heavy. 

“Jinks, old boy,” thought I, “this will not do. If 
that infuriated husband meets you, there may be trouble. 
You must ‘clear out.’ ” 

So I trotted off towards the hotel as fast as my legs 
would carry me, and rushed up to my room and quickly 
locked the door. I then struck a light and looked around 
the apartment. Hello, I had made a mistake ! I had 


148 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


got into somebody else’s room ! I knew this by the furni- 
ture, and by the clothing hanging on the chairs. 

I was about reopening the door, when I heard excited 
voices in the hall-way and the hurried tramping of feet. 

“ If that man is in my room, I ’ll kill him ! ” cried an 
angry voice, and the next moment there was a kicking 
and pounding against the door of the room I was in. 

My goodness ! was I to be murdered in cold blood ? 
I hadn’t even a tooth-pick about me to defend myself 
with. I saw it all, now. By mistake I had got into Mrs. 
Parker’s room, and the law would justify her jealous hus- 
band in butchering me on sight. 

How could I escape? I looked out of the window. 
To leap to the ground would be madness. I should be 
dashed to pieces. I had not time to tie the bed-sheets 
together and make a rope of them to lower myself to the 
ground. Just then I heard a noise, seeming to come from 
the clouds, calling me : 

“ Massa Jinks, is dat you? ” 

“ Yes, it ’s me,” said I. “ I am in a devil of a scrape. 
Where are you? Who are you? ” 

“I am one ob de cullard cooks,” said she. “ I am up 
yar in de top story.” 

“ Have n’t you got a rope, or something, you can lower 
down?” I inquired. “If I stay here I’ll be killed. A 
man is going to shoot me ! ” 

The cook replied that she had a clothes-line, and the 
next minute it came dangling down to my window. It 
was just in time, for at that moment they began breaking 


MY GALLANTRIES AT THE SEA-SIDE. I49 

in the door. I hurriedly ascended to the cook’s room, 
and drew in the line, and, for the time being, was safe. 

Thunder and Mars ! I made another discovery. In 
her goodness of heart to aid me, the cook had forgotten 
her own modesty. There she stood before me, like an 
angel of midnight, attired in her snowy night-garment, 
just as she was about to leap into bed. 

“ Massa Jinks,” said she, hiding behind the headboard 
of the bed, on remembering the condition of her attire. 
“Go 'way, Massa Jinks. I don’t want no nonsense out 
of you now. Behave yourself like a gemman, sah ! 
You just sit on dat chair over dar, and shut your eyes, 
while I put on my clothes.” 

“ My dear woman,” said I, “I wouldn’t offend your 
modesty for ten thousand worlds. Do not disturb your- 
self, madam, on my account. I will leave your apartment 
— yes, though I meet death itself.” 

“ Don’t worry yourself, Massa Jinks. Don’t worry 
yourself. You can stay yar all night. In fact, I’d rather 
you would. Only behave yourself like a gemman. I 
don’t want none of dat ar magnetic influence you allars 
braggin’ ’bout round dis yer room.” 

I assured the good woman that my reputation was at 
stake as well as hers, and that I must go. I then went 
out into the hall-way, and discovering a trap-door open, 
leading to the roof, I quickly ascended, and found myself 
out under the dark vault of night. 

I felt that the roof was the safest place for me. Tear- 
ing my handkerchief into shreds, I made a rope of it, and 
13 * 


150 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

fastened myself to a chimney, lest in my sleep I might get 
to dreaming and roll off the roof. I slept until about 
four o’clock the next morning. I was awakened by a 
chimney-sparrow sitting on my nose and tugging at my 
moustache, trying to steal some of the long hairs to build 
his nest with. I am a good-hearted soul, and I would 
have let the poor bird alone, only he hurt me like blazes, 
so I had to shoo him away. 

I saw at once it was a good chance to escape. I came 
down-stairs in my stocking feet, without meeting anybody 
except the night watchmen, and, as they all knew me, they 
let me pass without molestation. I then hurried towards 
the depot, where I remained until the first train in the 
morning left for Philadelphia. I boarded it, and was soon 
far away from the scene of my troubles. 

Some persons may think my flight was cowardly, but I 
hold a contrary opinion. I ’ll fight any man in a square, 
stand-up, pugilistic encounter, I don’t care if he is as big 
as a house ; but when I know a jealous husband, with the 
law on his side, is gunning for me with firearms, then I 
am among the missing. 


JINKS JOINS THE KNIGHTS-TEMPLARS. 


MR. JINKS, AFTER JOINING THE KNIGHTS-TEMPLARS, RETURNS 
TO HIS HOME IN A FORLORN CONDITION — HOW HIS BET- 
TER HALF RECEIVED HIM — A GENERAL OVERHAULING OF 

ACCOUNTS MR. JINKS FINDS BEING A KNIGHT-TEMPLAR 

IS AN EXPENSIVE AMUSEMENT — HIS FIRST APPEARANCE 
IN HIS GRAND UNIFORM, AND WHAT BEFEL HIM. 



HO ’S there ! What do you want ? ” 


V V The voice was that of my wife. I would have 
known her voice even if I had not recognized her face, 
in the shadow of a mile of night-cap, peering out of the 
second-story window. In fact, I wasn’t in a condition 
to recognize anybody, but I knew her immediately. 

“My dear,’’ I began, “come down and open the 


door.” 


“Why, Mr. Jinks! You are fuddled. I’ve a great 
mind not to let you in.” 

“I’m not drunk,” I insisted. “If you don’t let me . 
in, I ’ll go around the corner to the hotel and take a room 
for the night.” 

Mrs. Jinks, not liking the idea of my spending a dol- 
lar for a room, decided to let me in. So she came down 
and opened the door, and gave me a shove, as I entered, 
that nearly sent me down the cellar -stairs head foremost. . 


152 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ Now, I want you to give an account of yourself, old 
fellow,” she said, after she had got me fairly up in the 
bedroom. “ Where have you been? ” 

“Been? Why, my dear, I ’m a made man. I am a 
member of one of the most powerful organizations in the 
world.” 

“ Speak out, fool ! What do you mean ? ” she roared. 

“I mean I’m a Knight-Templar, Mrs. Jinks — I’ve 
been initiated.” 

“What with? — whiskey?” 

“ My dear, won’t you bring me a towel and a little 
water in a basin, and give me a drink of vinegar ! I’m 
sick. The room spins around like a top.” 

“Jinks, put your head out of the window in the fresh 
air,” said my wife, precautionally ; “and remember, if 
things come to the worst, don’t damage the carpet, you 
brute ! ” 

“But, Mrs. Jinks — ” 

“ Don’t talk to me ! Get sober as soon as you can and 
then come to bed. To-morrow, sir. I’ll have an explana- 
tion. I ’ll give you Knights-Templars ! ” 

So saying, Mrs. Jinks crawled into bed and disappeared 
under the covers, leaving me airing myself at the window, 
a very unhappy man. 

The morning came merrily, but it found me still discon- 
solate. Mrs. Jinks spread my breakfast before me, but I 
couldn’t eat. However, after taking a walk around the 
block several times, and drinking some soda water at a 
candy store, I began to feel more like myself, and more 


JINKS JOINS THE KNIGHTS-TEMPLARS. I53 

able to cope with Mrs. Jinks. So I sought that estimable 
lady, determined to know the worst and meet my fate like 
a man. 

“So, Mr. Jinks, you have joined the Knights-Tem- 
plars?” she said, facing me in a manner that denoted 
warm work ahead. 

“Yes, I had come to that conclusion.” 

“ Pshaw ! ” she exclaimed ; “ what benefit will it ever 
be to you ? ” 

“ Well, my dear, suppose I should get sick, I will have 
the consolation and sympathy of my brother members of 
the order.” 

“Yes, and have a lot of fellows tramping here every 
day to learn if you are not better, and sitting up with 
you all night singing and frolicking. But let me catch 
one of those Knights inside of this door. I ’ll take the 
chivalry out of him with a broom.” 

“ But see how handy some relief fropi my brethren will 
come when I am not able to work and earn money. ’ ’ 

“Nonsense; don’t talk that way to me. If you want 
money when you are sick, begin to save it when you are 
well. Don’t put your money in any place where, after 
you have saved it, you will have to beg for it when you 
need it. I know how these associations work. When 
they get a dollar, they hold on to it like grim death,” 
said my wife, emphatically. 

“And then at my funeral — ” I was beginning. 

“Your funeral! So you think of dying, do you? 
Well, the sooner the better,” she said, wickedly. 


154 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ I will get — or rather, you will get — a sufficient sum 
to bury me.” 

“ Don’t worry about that,” said my spouse, snappishly. 
“ Many a better man than you has gone to his grave in a 
pine coffin. I won’t waste the Templars’ money on your 
funeral. ’ ’ 

“And then see what social status it gives me.” 

“Yes, you had social status last night. If you ever 
come home in that condition again I ’ll empty a bucket 
of water on your head.” 

“But, my dear, look at the habits of economy it 
teaches me. Why, by being a member I am compelled 
to save fifty cents a week — that is for dues. ’ ’ 

“ Is that all ? ” 

“That is all, with the exception of the initiation fee.” 

“And how much was that, pray?” 

“A hundred dollars ! ” I replied, as coolly as I could. 

“ Why, Jonathan Jinks! ” she exclaimed, with her eyes 
like saucers. 

“ My dear? ” I said, as calmly as a pumpkin-pie. 

“A hundred dollars ! ” continued my wife, now in for 
the brunt of battle. “ Have you gone and paid away a 
hundred dollars to those humbugs ? Why, that is money 
enough to furnish all our upper rooms anew, or buy me 
dresses to last all next winter. You know you can’t afford 
it.” 

“ Why, my dear, I thought it was a good investment.” 

“Investment, hey?” she hissed, with bitter sarcasm. 
“ Mr. Jinks, is your grocer’s bill paid yet? We owe him 


JINKS JOINS THE KNIGHTS-TEMPLARS. I55 


for a week’s groceries, and he sends his boy ding-donging 
at our bell every morning.” 

“Confound the grocer! he needn’t be afraid of his 
money. He ’ll get it some of these days,” I said, kindly. 

“ And there is a pair of shoes that you got over a month 
ago that have not been paid for. But I ’d like to know 
who you don't owe. You said you had no money to give 
me for keeping the house and buy clothes, so I had to get 
dry-goods for the children on credit, payable on instal- 
ments, so much a week, and often I have not got the 
money when the collector calls for it. It is very strange 
that you never have any money for needful expenses, but 
when you want to go frolicking, or join some humbug 
secret order, you appear to have more cash than a bank. 
That hundred dollars would have put us out of debt.” 

“ Don’t scold me, my darling. Only think of the ter- 
rible suffering I went through last night at the initiation. 
Why, my pet, they put me on a frying-pan over a hot 
fire.” 

“I wish they had scorched you!” was her consoling 
answer. 

“ They then doused me in a tub of cold water.” 

“Served you right ! ” she exclaimed, still inexorable. 

“You have no sympathy for a fellow,” I said, angry at 
her indifference. 

“No sympathy? No! I only wish you had tumbled 
off that greasy pole and broke your neck, or the goat had 
run away with you, or something else.” 

My wife then retired to the kitchen to vent her wrath 


156 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

on her culinary duties, while I went out to find some fel- 
low-knights, and arrange for my uniform for the parade. 

The day before the parade my uniform was completed, 
and I took it home, intending to give my family a pleas- 
ant little surprise. I carried it, unseen, to my chamber, 
and there, secure from intrusion, I arrayed myself in it. 

I was really proud of my appearance when I looked in 
the mirror. I flattered myself that the other Knights- 
Templars would have to look well to their laurels, on the 
approaching day, if they would win the regards of the 
fair ladies on the route of the parade. 

“Mrs. Jinks, like the rest of her sex,” I argued to my- 
self, “ is fond of military display. I suppose she will be 
overjoyed when she sees me in these togs.” 

But she wasn’t a bit fascinated. Her first exclamation 
was : 

“What tomfoolery are you up to now? Where did you 
buy those outlandish clothes?” 

“This is my uniform, my dear. I parade with the 
Templars next week,” I replied, as I shook my chapeau 
at her, and proudly displayed the grand red crosses on my 
hat, my belt, sword, and nearly every part of my person. 

“No, you don’t,” said Mrs. Jinks. “I won’t have you 
tramping about the streets, wearing out your boots, for a 
pack of folks to stare at, and then come home tired out 
before the day is ended.” 

“ But, my dear, I ’ve bought the uniform. It has cost 
me nearly a hundred dollars, and it is a pity not to wear 
it.” 


JINKS JOINS THE KNI G H TS-TEM PLA RS. I57 

“What! a hundred dollars for that rubbish? After 
the parade, what good will it be to you? You can’t wear 
it, and you can never sell it.’’ 

“ No, I suppose I shall have to pack it away in the back 
garret until the Templars have another parade.’’ 

“Jinks, I have no patience with you. That money 
would have bought you a good suit of decent clothes, 
and, goodness knows, you need them bad enough.’’ 

At that moment our conversation was interrupted by 
two sudden, determined j'erks at the door-bell. On my 
eldest son announcing that it was a bill-collector, inquir- 
ing after a little amount still due our doctor for past ser- 
vices, I retired to the seclusion of the attic, where I 
remained until bed-time. 

The next morning, despite my wife’s remonstrances, I 
determined to go in the parade. I again donned my 
uniform, and put myself through several of my best atti- 
tudes before the mirror. 

“Well, Jinks,” I said, complimenting myself, “I’ll 
bet a dollar there will be some broken hearts among the 
ladies before this day is over.” 

On my way down-stairs, my wife met me. 

“ So you are determined to parade, are you? ” 

“That is my inflexible resolution, Mrs. Jinks. Con- 
found it, madam,” I continued, feeling unaccountably 
brave in my fantastic costume. “I’ve the spirit of a 
soldier within me, and no power on earth shall stop me ! 
From a boy it has been my ambition to march in a parade, 
and this day shall crown my hopes ! ’ ’ 

14 


158 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“We’ll see about that,” said Mrs. Jinks in a way that 
sent a momentary chill to my heart. I expected to see 
her set herself determinedly in my way and bar my pas- 
sage, but she did n’t. Instead, she ran quickly up-stairs, 
her face bearing the look of a demon. 

“ I have conquered her at last,” I thought. “ Hence- 
forth I shall wear the breeches.” 

When I got on the front step, I found many ladies 
passing in the street, on their way to witness the parade. 
Noticing that many looked at me admiringly, I deter- 
mined to stand on the steps awhile and allow all to get a 
good look. In a few moments the region of the step was 
thronged with ladies, and many flattering comments were 
made on my appearance and dress. 

Directly I noticed all the ladies looking upward, their 
faces blanched with terror, and a pitiable scream broke 
forth from each of their rosy lips. Then there was a 
general rush for the middle of the street. Knowing that 
it would not do for a “Knight-Templar” to manifest fear 
in the presence of ladies, I turned in a dignified way, and 
was about to look calmly up to my second-story window, 
when — 

Splash! — was I drowned? All over my head — all 
over my splendid uniform came a torrent of dish-water — 
greasy dish-water from the remnants of our breakfast- 
table. Above the din I could hear the shrill voice of my 
wife : 

“ Now go and parade, you villain I ” 

There was a general uproar in the streets. The men 


JINKS JOINS THE KNIGHTS-TEMPLARS. I59 

shouted, the women screamed. I tried to get in the door, 
but my infuriated wife had bolted it. With intuitive 
presence of mind, I rushed up the alley and climbed over 
the fence into the back yard, followed by pieces of rotten 
tomatoes, which some mischievous boys hurled at my re- 
treat. I would have almost murdered Mrs. Jinks had I 
caught her then, but she very wisely locked herself up in 
her room until the storm was over. 

I did not parade that day. My clothes were rather 
sloppy, and the gay trappings on my uniform were so 
besmeared with grease that they no longer presented 
attractions for the fair. I kept shady for several days, 
and even when I did venture forth, I found that the boys 
in the neighborhood had clinging to the tablets of their 
memory recollections of my misfortune. 

I have deserted the Templars. I found it did n’t pay. 
I am now devoting the dues and current expenses I would 
have incurred in the order to liquidating 'my debts, and 
find that my wife is better pleased, my creditors satisfied, 
and I stand equally high in social status, as if I had con- 
tinued with the Kiiights-Templars. 


THE EVILS OF A MOCK MARRIAGE. 


MR. JINKS ATTENDS AN EVENING PARTY — AMONG THE 
GAMES MOCK MARRIAGES ARE INTRODUCED — JINKS IS 
MARRIED IN FUN TO A CHARMING WIDOW A DREAD- 

FUL DISCOVERY THAT THE PERSON PERFORMING THE 
CEREMONY IS A REAL CLERGYMAN, AND THAT THE 

MARRIAGE IS BINDING JINKS OFFERS TO RELEASE THE 

WIDOW FROM THE INVOLUNTARY CONTRACT, BUT SHE 
REFUSES, AND CLAIMS JINKS AS HER OWN — JINKS AC- 
COMPANIES HIS UNEXPECTED BRIDE TO HER HOME THE 

TROUBLE HE EXPERIENCED IN RETIRING FOR THE NIGHT. 



NE night recently I “assisted” at a party on South 


Tenth Street. It was at the house of a friend, but, 
with the exception of my friend herself, the remainder of 
the company were entire strangers to me. Expecting to 
have some fun with the girls, I very discreetly left Mrs. 
Jinks at home. 

There were present about ten couples, and, with the 
exception of myself and a widow lady, all had come with 
their partners. So, as a matter of course, the lady of the 
house begged that the widow and myself would consider 
ourselves as engaged for the rest of the evening. 

As the hours progressed the usual games were indulged 


THE EVILS OF A MOCK MARRIAGE. l6l 


in. We had lots of fun. When the merriment began to 
flag, I brought out my budget of comic songs, and then 
everybody was delighted. After this I gave imitations of 
celebrated actors. A lively chap like me is the soul of 
an evening company. That is the reason my services are 
always in such great demand. 

Well, after every game had grown stale, and the people 
began to yawn over my songs, I proposed that we should 
marry one another in fun. All hailed this suggestion with 
great glee. A young, clericablooking gentleman was the 
first to announce himself as a candidate for matrimonial 
honors, and everybody was unanimous in the opinion that 
I should marry him. A pretty girl was induced to per- 
sonate the bride, and then I took the Bible and pronounced 
the ceremony after the style of the Quakers. When I 
finished I devoutly kissed the bride, which example was 
followed by everybody present amid great laughter. 

“Now, Mr. Jinks,” said one of the gentlemen, “it is 
your turn. Stand up, and we ’ll marry you.” 

“Oh, yes, Mr. Jinks,” cried the ladies, in chorus, do 
get married. It will be so nice ! ” 

It so happened that nobody present knew I was a mar- 
ried man, or they would not have made such a proposi- 
tion. My conscience smote me a little when I thought of 
Mrs. Jinks, but it would never have done to have betrayed 
myself in the height of my popularity with the girls. So 
I said : 

“ Certainly, ladies. I am willing to make the sacrifice ; 
but which of you will have me?” 

14* 1, 


i 62 a cure for the blues. 

There was more loud laughter at this, and both the 
married and the single ladies rushed forward, and were 
clamorous for the honor. Among the foremost, and most 
noisy, was the widow I have mentioned. She was a tall, 
buxom lady, of a refined, graceful appearance, her skin 
as clear as wax, while her face was really handsome. Al- 
though she was evidently about forty years of age, I chose 
her in preference to many of the younger ladies, for she 
was prettier, and, besides, I am rather partial to widows. 

She hailed my preference^ with evident pride, and I took 
her hand, and we stood up in the middle of the room 
together. As “turn about is fair play,” it was decided 
that the young gentleman whom I had united in the mock 
bonds of matrimony should officiate at my wedding. 
Unlike me, he performed the ceremony according to the 
Presbyterian form of marriage, and, in due time, pro- 
nounced us man and wife. 

The usual kisses and congratulations were indulged in, 
which my blooming bride bore with great good-humor. 
About this time, however, I observed a serious whispering 
among the ladies, which was soon communicated to the 
gentlemen. All appeared to watch me closely. Some of 
them laughed, while others seemed to be conversing very 
seriously. I noticed that the young gentleman who had 
married me looked very pale and nervous, and talked and 
gesticulated wildly, while my newly-made bride had sud- 
denly ceased her merriment and retired from the room. 
I did n’t know what was the matter, so I approached one 
of the gentlemen and inquired. 


THE EVILS OF A MOCK MARRIAGE. 163 


“Mr. Jinks,” he replied, seriously and respectfully, “I 
fear a great blunder has been made. It seems the young 
gentleman who performed the mock marriage is a regu- 
larly-ordained minister of the Presbyterian church.” 

“Well, what of that?” I inquired, coolly. 

“ Of course you know,” he replied, “ that a clergyman 
cannot perform a mock marriage. If he marries any one, 
even in a joke, it holds in law the same as if he performed 
the ceremony in earnest. In other words, you are a mar- 
ried man.” 

“ The devil you say ! ” said I, in amazement. “Why 
didn’t you tell me this before? I didn’t know that fel- 
low was a clergyman.” 

“ Nor did I until it was all over. The clergyman says 
he was ignorant that such a ceremony performed in fun 
was binding in law. I suppose, however, you’ll have to 
make the best of it. The woman you have married is not 
bad-looking, and, besides, she owns her own house, I be- 
lieve. , So it is not so bad after all.” 

Again the figure of Mrs. Jinks floated before my vision. 
If this mock marriage was really binding, I was guilty of 
bigamy. Phew ! Things were getting hot. However, I 
told the gentleman I was perfectly satisfied, if the lady 
was. 

“But,” he continued, “if you have any doubts of the 
legality of the marriage, there is a lawyer lives next door. 
We might call him in and ask his opinion.” 

I consented to this, and one of the gentlemen went 
next door for the lawyer. That legal luminary appeared 


164 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


in a few minutes, carrying on his arm a green bag, and 
looking very wise and profound. 

He made a careful inquiry into the facts of the case, 
cross-examined some of us, and then gave it as his opin- 
ion that myself and the widow were legally man and 
wife. 

“I suppose, however,” continued the lawyer, “that if 
you both consent, you can hold this marriage null and 
void. At least, a divorce could be procured with very 
little trouble. What do you say, Mr. Jinks? Do you 
hold this lady to her vows, or do you consider it an insig- 
nificant contract, and release her?” 

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I replied, “the whole trans- 
action is the result of a blunder, and I see no reason why 
such a marriage should be binding. As far as I am con- 
cerned, I shall treat the whole matter as a joke.” 

Then the lawyer turned towards my bride. 

“ Madam,” he asked, “what have you to say? Do you 
hold this marriage binding, aiM consider Mr. Jinks as your 
legal husband?” 

“A marriage is a marriage,” said the lady, firmly. 
“We were properly married by a regularly - ordained 
clergyman, and I see no joke in it whatever. I consider 
this young man as my legal husband, and I shall hold him 
as such.” 

“But, madam,” said I, seeing things began to look 
serious, “ I never saw you before to-night. You certainly 
wouldn’t take a perfect stranger to your home as your 
husband, would you?” 


THE EVILS OF A MOCK MARRIAGE. 165 

“ Oh, I am not afraid of you,” replied the lady, with a 
pleasant laugh. “It looks as if you are the one who is 
getting scared.” 

This raised my dander. I saw at once that the lady was 
hungry for a husband, and gladly availed herself of the 
playful hoax. If she was so stubborn as to persist in bind- 
ing me to my vows, I felt perfectly satisfied. I have never 
showed the white feather to a man, much less a woman. 
So I told her if she insisted on keeping me for a husband, 
I would make no objection. There was a loud murmur 
of applause at this, though I could see many of the women 
were almost dying of envy. 

At a late hour the company retired, my bride and I 
being among the last to leave. We rode down-town, and 
then she led the way a short distance up the street, and 
stopped before a large three-story brick dwelling. 

“This is our home,” said she, taking out her night- 
key and opening the street door. 

I followed her into the house. It appeared to be 
luxuriously furnished. She led me back into the dining- 
room, where a pretty young girl, of about seventeen, was 
reading a novel and rocking a cradle containing a young 
baby. Several other children were lying about on the 
chairs and on the lounge asleep. 

“ Blanche,” said my bride to the young lady, “this is 
your papa, Mr. Jinks. Mr. Jinks, this is my oldest 
daughter, Blanche. She is my first husband’s child. The 
rest are my second husband’s children.” 

“Then I am husband number three,” said I. “I 


l66 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

thought I came in number two ? Well, it makes no dif- 
ference, only I like to be- up head as far as possible.” 

“ Did you say that is my pa?” asked Blanche, looking 
at me in astonishment. “ Why, ma, you ain’t gone and 
got married again, have you? ” 

“Yes, daughter; is it any of your business? Don’t 
stand there asking so many foolish questions. Here it is 
after midnight. Mr. Jinks, you can take off your hat and 
coat, and make yourself at home, while we put the chil- 
dren to bed. When your bed is ready I ’ll call for you. 
Remember and turn off the gas when you come up-stairs. 
Don’t blow it out like my first fool of a husband' did, and 
nearly suffocated himself.” 

Some men would have got nervous in my situation, but 
I take things coolly ; so I pulled off my hat, coat, and 
boots, and taking a newspaper, proceeded to read the 
news, waiting for the old lady to call me. She was so 
long about it, that I began to think she intended me to 
sleep in the dining-room all night alone. 1 laid down on 
the lounge, and was just getting into a slight doze, when 
I heard her voice at the head of the stairs, crying : 

“Jinks, come up here. Be sure to turn off the gas, 
and don’t break your neck coming up-stairs in the dark.” 

I obeyed her instructions, turned off the gas, and then 
groped my way towards the stairs. It was so dark that I 
couldn’t see a step before me. I found the stairs, how- 
ever, and felt my way up by the aid of the balusters. 
Arriving on the second floor, I heard the feminine voice 
of my bride directing me. 


THE EVILS OF A MOCK MARRIAGE. 167 


“This way, Jinks,” she called out. “Come right to 
the front bedroom.” 

But it was so dark that I could n’t see where I was going. 
How was I to know where the front bedroom was? I 
groped around, until the first thing I knew I felt my feet 
sinking under me, and down-stairs I tumbled, heels over 
head. At the same moment there began a terrific bark- 
ing, and I had scarcely picked myself off my back, at the 
bottom of the stairs, before I found that one of the canine 
species was snapping in the dark at the calves of my legs. 
I kicked at him in my stocking feet, but I was afraid of 
sticking ‘my toes in his mouth by mistake. Oh, how I 
wished I had left my boots on ! I could have settled that 
dog’s hash in no time. 

I suppose the animal would have bitten me, if there had 
not appeared at that moment a large majestic figure at the 
head of the stairs, clothed in snowy garments and bear- 
ing a light. In this apparition I recognized my bride. 

“ Here, Fido,” she cried to the dog, in a sharp, stern 
voice. “ Go and lie down. Jinks, what are you doing ? 
Why don’t you let the dog alone and come to bed ? ” 

So saying she disappeared with the light again, and the 
dog followed her up-stairs. I called to her to come back 
with the light or I would be tumbling down again, but she 
refused, and I had to grope my way up-stairs once more. 

This time I was more successful. I found the bedroom 
and began to undress, but the room was so dark I could n’t 
see what I was doing ; besides, I became painfully aware 
that that poodle was present, for at every step I took he 


i68 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


would growl and snap at my legs, despite his mistress 
calling to him, from the depths of the bed-clothes, to 
“ be quiet and lie down.” 

At last I got ready to retire, and thinking I was by the 
side of the bed, suddenly found myself climbing into the 
bureau. 

“Jinks,” cried my wife, getting angry, “what are you 
doing to that bureau ? Are you drunk? Why don’t you 
come to bed ? You must be fond of shivering out there 
in the cold.” 

“Then, why in the mischief don’t you keep a light 
burning?” I asked, getting angry in turn. “How am 
I to find my way around in a strange room? ” 

She made no reply to this, but I heard her laughing in 
a suppressed tone. I did not know what the joke was, 
but by good fortune I found the bed and got in. 

“Take care. Jinks! ” cried my bride; “mind the baby. 
For heaven’s sake, don’t lie on the baby ! ” 

“ My goodness ! madam, where is the baby ? ” I cried, 
hopping out in a hurry. “I didn’t know there was a 
baby in the bed.” 

“ It is in the middle of the bed, Jinks. Now move 
very carefully, and keep perfectly still, and you won’t 
hurt it,” she said. 

I obeyed her directions, crept into bed, and laid as 
still as a mouse. I was afraid to stir for fear of crushing 
the baby. I settled myself for a sleep, but had scarcely 
got my eyes closed, when I felt somebody give me a tiny 
kick in the back of my neck. This was repeated several 
times, but I supposed it was the baby, so 1 said nothing. 


THE EVILS OF A MOCK MARRIAGE. 169 

This thing began to be monotonous, however, when half 
an hour later, having fallen into a slight doze, I became 
conscious of something choking me, and woke up to find 
myself lying on the broad of my back with the baby’s 
foot stuck in my mouth. 

I spoke to my bride about it, but she was sound asleep. 
Then I turned my back on the young one, and settled 
myself into sleep again, but I was soon awakened by that 
young one kicking me in the broad of my back, and cry- 
ing as if its little heart would break. I found it had also 
awakened its mother. 

“Jinks,” she said, in a coaxing tone of voice, “won’t 
you go down-stairs into the dining-room, and in the back 
closet you will find a bottle of paregoric. I want to give 
some to the child. It will put the poor little thing to 
sleep.” 

“ Madam, how in the name of goodness do you expect 
me to find my way down-stairs and to the paregoric bottle 
in this pitch darkness? ” 

“ Something has got to be done, and soon,” said my 
wife. “ If the child goes on this way he will cry himself 
into a fit. You might take him down-stairs, and rock 
him to sleep in his cradle.” 

“ What, without a light?” 

“ You will find a lamp on the dressing-stand, near the 
window, and the matches are lying beside it.” 

I knew I had to comply, for at the rate the child was 
crying, it would either deafen me or throw itself into 
spasms. So I got up out of bed and dressed myself. 

15 


170 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


The air was confoundedly cold, and I blessed that baby 
and married life with a vengeance. Then I struck a light, 
and taking the lamp in one hand and the baby on the 
other arm, I marched down-stairs, followed by that wicked 
canine, snapping at my heels. 

But I had fully made up my mind what to do. I laid 
the baby in the cradle, and then quickly put on my hat 
and coat, and, taking my boots in my hand, under cover 
of the noise the young one was making, I crept out into 
the entry, noiselessly unbolted and unlocked the front 
door, opened it, and reached the street, closing it quietly 
after me. Then I hurriedly put on my boots, and ran 
down the street as I had never run before in my life. 

It had been my intention, if I had remained with the 
widow all night, to make Mrs. Jinks believe, on return- 
ing home in the morning, that I had been unexpectedly 
called to New York that evening, and so had to remain 
away all night. In my excited condition, however, my 
usually prolific brain failed to invent any good excuse for 
coming home at four a, m., so I decided to go to a hotel 
and wait until the sun rose, when I could return to my 
family with a better grace. 

I was successful. Mrs. Jinks never suspected the ad- 
ventures I had gone through, and accepted all the lies I 
told her as gospel truth. 

I got neatly out of that scrape, but for a day or two I 
had to keep my eyes pretty sharply about me whenever 
I went on the promenade. If I had encountered that 
widow, I knew there would have been trouble, and I pre- 
fer to lead a quiet life when I can. 


MAJOR JONES AND -THE MADAM. 


MR. JINKS IMPORTUNES HIS TENANTS FOR THE RENT — THE 

madam’s EXCUSES SHE FINALLY CONSENTS TO GIVE 

‘jinks a walnut desk in payment — JINKS GIVES A 
LITTLE SUPPER IN HONOR OF THE OCCASION — THE MAJOR 
TELLS SOME OF HIS WAR STORIES — HIS GALLANTRY DUR- 
ING THE LATE REBELLION — JINKS AND THE MAJOR GO 
OUT FOR A WALK — WHAT OCCURRED — A CRY OF 

“thieves ! ” — OUR hero’s desperate conflict 

WITH THE ROBBERS ARRIVAL OF THE POLICE HOW 

THE GALLANT OFFICERS SPENT THE NIGHT IN JINKS’s 
KITCHEN — THE BILL FOR THE DESK ARRIVES — JINKS IS 
ASTONISHED — MRS. JONES’S EXPLANATION — HER AD- 
VICE TO JINKS — HOW SHE BRIDGES OVER DIFFICULTIES 
AND ENTERTAINS BILL-COLLECTORS — JINKS, FOR ONCE, 
IS NONPLUSSED, AND THE CHAPTER ENDS. 

IVING in a large house, and being under a heavy 



J y rent, we decided to reduce the expenses by renting 

out several of the upper rooms to a gentleman and his 
wife. An advertisement in the paper brought us any 
number of applicants, the successful ones being a Major 
Jones and his lady. 

The Major represented himself as an insurance agent, 


1/2 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


but I afterwards discovered he lived on his wits, or rather 
on everybody who was easy enough to give him credit. 
His wife, I believe, tried to earn an honest living by 
teaching music, but not being very successful in her voca- 
tion, was compelled to turn in with her husband, and 
gain a precarious subsistence by defrauding their cred- 
itors. 

The Jones’s had not lived long in the house before I 
began to suspect their character, and when their rent was 
due, I immediately dunned them for the money. ‘ I 
entered the parlor as Mrs. Jones was in the act of drum- 
ming on the piano, while the Major sat by her side listen- 
ing to the music with an evident relish. 

“Good-morning,” said I, bluntly; “your rent is due 
to-day, I believe. Have you it ready?” 

“ Oh, dear me, Mr. Jinks,” said the Madam, carelessly 
turning on the stool at the piano, and facing me with an 
easy, agreeable smile on her countenance, “I had forgotten 
all about the rent. My mind, like the flight of Pegasus, 
soars far above these mundane trifles. What is the amount, 
Mr. Jinks, for I declare I have forgotten?” 

“Fifty dollars a month. Madam, was the price agreed 
upon,” I replied, respectfully. 

“ It is a mere trifle,” said she, waving her hand super- 
ciliously. “ Major, my dear,” she continued, turning to 
that individual, “have we that small amount in the 
house ? ’ ’ 

The Major, w'ho looked as if he had n’t been blessed 
with fifty dollars for the last twenty years, said “really 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. I73 

he didn’t know,” and began searching through his 
pockets, until the Madam stopped him with a severe 
look. 

“The fact is, Mr. Jinks,” said the Madam, “we keep 
our funds locked up in the banks, and I would prefer not 
to draw a check for less than one hundred dollars. If it 
would be as convenient to you, I would prefer to wait, 
and pay two months’ rent at one time. The money is 
just as good as wheat. It is as solid as the institution in 
which it is kept.” 

“I have no doubt of that, Mrs. Jones,” said I, politely; 
“ but I prefer to have the money when it is due.” 

“I am very sorry that I have not got it,” said Mrs. 
Jones, demurely. “Any other favor I can do for you or 
Mrs. Jinks, however, I shall be most happy. Perhaps 
you would like some tickets to the theatre this evening ? 
I will get them for you at any time, if you ask me.” 

“ You forget, Mrs. Jones,” said I, “ that I am a news- 
paper man, and can get more free tickets and free passes 
than I desire to carry. Even if I were not, I think it 
very doubtful that I would care to take out your rent in 
theatre tickets.” 

“ Oh, I did not mean that,” said she, not in the least 
abashed. “I only wished to do you a favor. It is my 
religion to live in love and friendship with my neighbors. 
I hate this selfish cry after money ! money ! all the time. 
I wish to goodness there was no money in the world. 
Mr. Jinks, we are both living under the same roof. Why 
can’t we dwell in a fraternal spirit, and not let this selfish 
15* 


174 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


vice of avarice come between us. I am sure I would 
never mention money if you did n’t.” 

“I feel quite assured of that, my dear Madam,” said 
I, “and that is the very reason I keep reminding you of 
the rent which is unpaid.” 

“Well, Mr. Jinks,” she replied, “I don’t intend to 
cheat you. It is one of the proud boasts of my family 
that we owe no man anything. In fact, my ancestors 
were so well off that money became a drug to them, and 
they had to squander it to get rid of it. You didn’t 
know my grandfather, did you, Mr. Jinks ? Ah, I had 
fine times when he was alive. I had a little carriage, 
drawn by two ponies, to ride around in, and nothing in 
the world to do but to visit millinery stores and ice-cream 
saloons.” 

“Mrs. Jones,” said I, severely, “in business matters I 
am a hard, practical man. Your rent is due, and I am 
not to be talked out of it. I dislike to be harsh and disa- 
greeable to a lady, but if the rent is not forthcoming to- 
day, to-morrow I shall give you notice to move. I can’t 
afford to lose the money.” 

This frightened her a little. She drummed on the 
piano meditatively a moment, and then said : 

“The truth of the matter is, Mr. Jinks, I have not got 
the money. I have had so many expenses this week, and 
some dividends that are due I cannot collect until next 
week. Oh, by the way,” said she, .suddenly, as if the 
thought had just struck her, “perhaps you wouldn’t 
mind taking the rent in trade?” 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. 


175 


“ How do you mean ? ” I asked. 

“Why, you see I teach music in the families of several 
merchants, who force me to take my pay in such articles 
as they sell in their stores. Now, if you would like a nice 
walnut writing-desk, I think I can get it for you.” 

I did want a writing-desk, and I thought if I could get 
it in that way, it would be better than have any unpleas- 
ant disturbance with my tenants. I told the Madam that 
I would consider the desk an equivalent for the rent due, 
and shortly afterwards departed. 

When I returned home from the office late that after- 
noon, I found the desk standing in the library. Shortly 
afterwards, Mrs. Jones knocked at the library-door, and 
asked if she could come in. I admitted her. 

“You see your desk has come, Mr. Jinks,” said she. 
“How do you like it?” 

“It is a very fine article,” I replied. “I am much 
pleased.” 

“The price was fifty-five dollars,” said she, “making 
a difference of five dollars to my credit. But never mind. 
It is my nature to be liberal. Please give me a receipt for 
fifty dollars, for a month’s rent, and the surplus we ’ll con- 
sider as a mark of esteem from one friend to another.” 

I declare I was ashamed of myself. I had acted so 
harsh and grasping with her — like a perfect Shylock, de- 
manding his pound of flesh — while she returned such 
treatment with fair words and gifts. It was not in my 
nature not to feel such generosity very sensitively. I 
thanked her for the gift, and said : 


176 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“ Mrs. Jones, I am really sorry I spoke to you as I did. 
My impetuosity made me forget myself. However, I am 
not such a niggardly fellow as you must imagine I am. 
You are right. We ought to show more sociability to- 
wards each other. Won’t you and the Major come down 
and take supper with us this evening? We must be closer 
friends. Come down, and I’ll treat you well. We’ll 
have a jolly good time.” 

“ Mr. Jinks,” she replied, with a Christian smile illu- 
minating her countenance, “you are very kind. I accept 
your hospitality on condition that you accept ours in 
return in a few days.” 

I then went down into the kitchen and consulted my 
wife about getting up a grand supper. She was much 
provoked at my inviting them, especially when she thought 
of the extra trouble and expense. 

“Never mind, my dear,” said I. “It will be neither 
trouble nor expense to you. I will take everything on 
my own shoulders.” 

So I went to a well-known restaurant and ordered a 
first-class supper for six — Major Jones and wife, my 
mother-in-law and our hired girl, my wife and myself — 
with instructions to have it served at my residence at 
seven o’clock that evening. 

By Jove ! when the repast was set on the table. Major 
Jones was thunderstruck, and the others were considerably 
surprised. We had been sitting in the parlor, adjoining 
the dining-room, and I noticed the Major several times 
walk uneasily across the room and peep, on his tip- toes. 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. I77 


into the dining-room to see what had been placed on the 
table. After taking an observation, he would turn away, 
as if disappointed, when he saw nothing but plates and 
dishes. When the supper arrived, however, all hot and 
smoking, smelling of fresh vegetables and juicy meats 
and steaming coffee, a change came over the spirit of the 
Major’s dream. 

“By Jingo, Jinks, old boy!” said he, rubbing his 
hands with delight, “ this ts delicious. Those things 
must be good if they taste as well as they smell.” 

I told him the best way to find that out was to try 
them, and then invited everybody to take their places at 
the table, even insisting on our hired girl joining us. The 
Major first precautionally tucked up his sleeves, then un- 
buttoned the top button of his pantaloons, seized his knife 
and fork, and went to work. 

We had a jolly time. For the first twenty minutes 
there was scarcely a word spoken, for we were all pretty 
hungry, but our appetites once appeased, the fun began. 

“ Jinks, my boy,” said the Major, wiping the gravy off 
his chin with his napkin, “this is a noble feed. It does 
credit to you. I don’t think I have enjoyed a meal so 
much since the days of the war, when I used to bivouac 
at the Citizens’ Volunteer Refreshment Saloon here in 
Philadelphia. 

“Those were stirring times,” continued the Major, 
handling his knife and fork with dexterity; “ times that 
tried men’s souls. I did all I could for my country. 

M 


178 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

Every time a regiment would pass through town, I would 
hurry to the refreshment saloon and help them eat.” 

“Were you engaged actively in the war, Major?” I 
asked. 

“ Well, I should say I was,” said he. “You were too 
young, perhaps, to remember the great excitement that 
pervaded the land at the outbreak of the rebellion. I 
tell you, sir, when I heard of the fall of Sumter, it made 
my blood boil. I hurried down to Washington and 
sought General Scott, who was then commander-in-chief 
of the army. ‘General,’ said I, ‘there is going to be 
a war, there is going to be blood shed. My life must be 
sacrificed on the altar of my country. Can you give 
me a regiment? I’ll go down South, and make them 
Southerners eat chalk in less than three months.’ ” 

“What did the General say?” inquired Mrs. Jinks, 
highly interested in the narrative. 

“I’ll never forget the old General’s expression,” said 
the Major, throwing himself back in his chair and run- 
ning his thumbs into his vest-pockets. “ He regarded me 
for a moment with a mingled expression of wonder and 
admiration. Then he suddenly burst out laughing, and 
laughed for ten minutes, right straight head. At last he 
said, seizing my hand : ‘ Major, you have a noble heart. 
If all our Union men North can summon up courage like 
yours, the rebellion will not last two weeks. But, Major, 
we cannot spare you for the gory field of battle. No, sir, 
your country needs you elsewhere. While the husbands 
and fathers of your city are battling on the plains and hills 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. 179 

of Virginia, there must be strong arms and stout hearts 
left at home to protect the helpless women — to infuse 
courage into them. I regret it, but I must leave you at 
home to protect the women. Major.’ ” 

“And so you stayed at home? ’’ I inquired. 

“Yes, sir,” said the Major; “blast it, they wouldn’t 
give me a command. What else could I do ? I would 
have enlisted as a private, only Mrs. Jones would n’t let 
me. I declare to goodness. Jinks, every time a regiment 
or a brass band would pass our house I became so wild at 
the thought that others were battling for their country, 
while I remained ingloriously at home, that several times 
I was tempted to dash myself headlong out of the third- 
story window.” 

“ The Major’s spirit at such times was most ungovern- 
able,” said the Madam, in an explanatory tone. 

“Then, why did n’t you let him go to war?” asked 
Mrs. Jinks. 

“Let him go to war! ” said the Madam, growing quite 
excited. “What, the Major! Why, that man has no 
control at all over his temper. At the very smell of 
powder he grows as wild as a war-horse. Let him go 
to war, indeed ! Why, with his uncontrollable passions, 
he would certainly have killed somebody.” 

After supper, noticing the Major looked rather dry, I 
asked him if he would n’t go out and take a “ walk.” The 
old fellow knew immediately what I meant, and jiut on 
his hat and coat with alacrity. When we were once out 
on the street he renewed his war-talk. 


i8o 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“Ah,” said he, “those bloody days of the rebellion I 
shall never forget. I tried every pretext to go to war. 
In the draft of 1863 and ’64, while others were devising 
schemes to procure substitutes, I spent hour after hour in 
my solitary chamber praying to Heaven that the draft 
might fall upon me. But I was past forty-five, and knew 
it couldn’t. But from the very start I did my best for 
the country. The day after the news of Anderson’s evac- 
uation of Fort Sumter, I spent from early sunrise till late 
in the evening blazing away with a twenty-pound cannon 
on the roof of my house. The country may boast of its 
heroes — of Grant, and Meade, and Sheridan — but they 
forget me, who first gave the old thing a shove.” 

“Major,” said I, soothingly, “you must look for your 
reward hereafter. You must seek for it above.” 

“I suppose so,” said he; “but. Jinks, did n’t you say 
something awhile ago about drinks? I’m as dry as a 
powder-horn.” 

I pitied him, and so led him into a saloon. We took 
our seats at a table, and I suppose remained there for two 
hours, smoking, drinking, and chatting. When at last I 
looked at my watch, I discovered, to my surprise, it was 
after eleven o’clock. I arose and began the difficult task 
of conducting the Major home, for the cigars and the 
apple-jack had rather got the best of him. He wanted to 
sing going along the street, and it required all my elo- 
quence and persuasion to restrain him. 

When we reached my residence, as I was standing on 
the front step steadying the Major with one hand and 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. l8l 

trying to unlock the front door with the other, I saw three 
men on the opposite side of the street, whispering to- 
gether and acting in a very suspicious manner. I thought 
little of the matter, however, and, after I got into the 
house, conducted the Major up to his chamber, where the 
Madam received us with a very vinegarish smile. I then 
retired to my own apartment, where I undressed, got into 
bed, and soon sank into a sound sleep. 

I was awakened by my wife tugging at my shirt-sleeve, 
and whispering, in a startled voice, into my ear: 

“Jinks, wake up!” she said; “there is somebody in 
the house ! ’ ’ 

“ I know there ts, my dear,” I replied ; “ half a dozen 
of us at least. ’ ’ 

“ But I mean robbers I ” she insisted. “ I heard them 
down-stairs. Oh, Jinks, what shall we do? ” 

“Nonsense!” said I; “don’t worry yourself. Shut 
your eyes and go to sleep.” 

But, just at that moment, there came a crash down- 
stairs, as if a chair had been upset. Then my own sus- 
picions began to be aroused. 

I always sleep with a loaded seven-shooter under my 
pillow. I got out of bed softly, and noiselessly found my 
pants in the dark, drew them on, and then seized my re- 
volver. 

“Jinks,” said my wife, in a whisper, “don’t go down 
alone. You’ll be overpowered. Call for the Major; he 
is a fighter ! ” 

I had not much faith in the Major’s fighting propensi- 

i6 


i 82 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


ties. By the time I could get him out of bed, and his 
courage mustered up to the sticking-point, the robbers 
would have escaped. So I noiselessly crept down-stairs, 
groping my way towards the dining-room, from whence 
the noise proceeded. 

I reached the door, and peeped through the key-hole. 
The gas was lighted, and articles were strewn in disorder 
all around the room. Our whole collection of silverware 
was lying on the floor, and three brawny fellows, with 
crape over their faces and muffled up in huge coats, were 
gathered about it, tying it up into a bundle. 

I saw the odds were against me, but I considered that 
I ’d be a poor man if I did n’t fight when my own house 
was being robbed, so I quickly drew back the cock of the 
weapon, placed my forefinger on the trigger, and rushed 
in. 

There was a scampering when the door was opened. I 
fired too quickly to take aim, and the ball went at random. 
In an instant one of the men sprang towards the gas and 
turned it off. We were in pitch darkness. 

I acknowledge the situation was not a very pleasant one. 
I did n’t know at what moment I might feel the point of 
a knife of one of the thieves pricking into my side. All 
I could do was to wait for possibilities. At that moment 
I heard a watchman’s rattle sprung, and rightly con- 
jectured that my wife was giving the alarm from the front 
window. Just then one of the men tumbled against me, 
and I seized him by the throat and held on to him like 
grim death. He tried to call for help, but I had him by 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. 183 

the windpipe, and he couldn’t utter a syllable. The 
rascal had a knife, however, which he managed to stick 
into my arm. As he did so, I heard the others escaping 
at the back door. The pain was so severe and instanta- 
neous, that I was forced to let go my hold of the man. 
I fired at him as he ran, but as it was too dark to see 
what I was doing, I missed him again. I ran to the back 
door, and the last I saw of the villain he was going over 
the fence. I fired again, and hit him this time in the 
leg. He yelled out as if I had hurt him, and the next 
moment disappeared. 

As they were now out of the house, I considered it was 
none of my business, and that there was no necessity of 
my following them, and taking my chances of getting 
shot. Just then I heard a great ringing at the front door. 
Feeling pretty sure it could n’t be the robbers returning, 
I went to the door and opened it. About two dozen po- 
licemen stood on the front pavement. 

“How are you, boys?” said I. “I am glad to see 
you, but you ’ve come too late. The robbers have es-- 
caped.” 

“You needn’t be afraid now, Mr. Jinks,” said the 
Lieutenant, coming forward; “ we ’ll protect you. Come 
in, boys. Somebody light the gas. Why, Jinks, you are 
wounded. Has there been a fight ? ” 

“ A slight scrimmage,” said I, with composure. “One 
of the rascals has cut me in the arm.” 

“Pooh ! ” said the Lieutenant. “That ’s nothing. It 
will be well again in a week. Let me tie it up with your 


184 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


handkerchief. If you were on the police force, like us 
fellows, you ’d get used to wounds. I never go out with- 
out expecting to be brought home on a settee, ’ ’ 

By this time the folks up-stairs had learned that the 
police had arrived, and they cautiously came down. The 
Major was the last to arrive. He came on, armed to the 
teeth, but trembling in every joint. In one hand he 
carried a poker, and in the other a bootjack, while in a 
belt, strapped around his body, was a carving-knife and 
fork, an old cavalry-sword, and a horse-pistol. 

“Where are they?” cried the Major, brandishing his 
weapons. “Where are the thieves? Let me at them ! ” 

“ Oh, good people, don’t let him ! ” cried the Madam, 
seizing her spouse by his suspender-straps, which were 
dangling down behind. 

“Let me catch one of the bloody rascals ! ” said the 
Major, suddenly calming down and taking his seat near 
the stove, between two officers. “I’d teach them to 
break into people’s houses. Why didn’t you call me 
sooner. Jinks? By thunder! I ’d have made mince-meat 
of somebody 1 By the way. Jinks, don’t you think our 
friends, the officers, look pretty hungry ? It would be no 
more than the right thing to set out a feed — would it, old 
boy?” 

Confound him, I would never have mentioned victuals 
if he had n’t. I could n’t go behind this broad hint, how- 
ever, in the presence of the officers; so, Mrs. Jinks and I 
collected every scrap of victuals we had in the pantry and 
brought it out, besides draining a barrel of cider, two 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. 185 

kegs of beer, and a demijohn of whiskey we had in the 
cellar. 

However, we had a glorious time. Speeches were 
made in honor of the President and the Republican 
party, and the health of every city official was drunk in 
succession. The officers.did not leave us until there was 
nothing left to eat or drink, and then they said there 
was no more danger, and they would now go out and 
look for the thieves. 

Nothing of any importance occurred until morning. 
About nine o’clock, as I was in the act of leaving the 
house, Mrs. Jinks came to me and said there was a gentle- 
man in the parlor who wished to see me. I immediately 
repaired thither, where I found a young man, with his 
hand clasping a wallet full of bill-heads. 

“ Good-morning,” said the young man, in his blandest 
tones. “ Is this Mr. Jinks? ” 

“That is my name, sir,” said I. 

“Mr. Jinks, I have a bill for you. It is for a walnut 
writing-desk that was delivered here yesterday.” 

“What does this mean?” I inquired. “That desk 
was given to me_by Mrs. Jones. It was a business matter 
between her and me alone. I have nothing to do with 
your firm.” 

“I know nothing about your business transactions,” 
said the young man, rather haughtily. “ Mrs. Jones came 
to our store yesterday and ordered the desk for you — 
telling us to send in the bill this morning. I must either 
have the money or take away the desk.” 

16* 


l86 A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 

“Well,” said I, “if the Court knows itself, I don’t 
think you will do either. I ’ll look into this matter. But 
don’t you or anybody else dare to take any article out of 
my house without first asking my consent.” 

The young man grumbled something, but after a medita- 
tive glance at my broad shoulders, he decided it would n’t 
be healthy for him to trouble me too much, although I was 
lame in one arm from my recent conflict with the burglar. 
He retired peacefully, but sullen, and then I went in quest 
of Mrs. Jones. 

“ Mrs. Jones,” said I, solemnly and slowly on meeting 
her, “what does this mean? You told me you got that 
desk for an old debt that was owed you by a pupil. This 
morning I received a bill for it, and the man says he will 
take the desk away if it is not paid for. Here I have 
believed what you told me, given you a receipt for the 
rent, and spent about fifty dollars besides on a supper in 
honor of the occasion. What do you mean by such con- 
duct? Do you intend to swindle me? ” 

“Mr. Jinks,” said she, blushing a bright scarlet, that 
added to her already heightened color — it made her look 
something like a squaw — “these are hard words to a 
lady. You are no gentleman to use them. What I have 
done, I did for the best. I could not get you the desk 
in trade, as I intended, so I was forced to order one and 
have the bill sent to you. But, my goodness, Mr. Jinks, 
you need not pay it. Only let it hang fire awhile, and 
they will forget all about it.” 

“Pardon me, Mrs. Jones,” I replied. “I am a gen- 


MAJOR JONES AND THE MADAM. 187 


tleman, whatever else you may choose to call me, and 
don’t do business in that manner,” 

'‘Oh,” said she, lightly, “you are too scrupulous. 
You ’ll never get along in the world in that manner. It 
does very well for single men, with plenty of money, to 
pay all their bills ; but us married people, with number- 
less expenses, have to plan and scheme to get through. 
It takes tact to get along in this world. Don’t be foolish 
and send back that desk. Leave the bill-collector to me 
or the Major. We ’ll take care of him when he calls. 
It is no trouble to us. We are used to it. We’ll have 
a fresh promise for him every day, or twice a day, if 
he chooses to call that often. The Major has quite a 
little talent in concocting these promises. He devotes 
all his attention to it, and never wakes up in the morn- 
ing without half a dozen original promises in his mind.” 

I saw I was without help. The lady had things down 
so fine that it was useless to argue any more with her. 
So I let the matter rest, determined to consult a lawyer 
on the subject. 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY 


MR. JINKS ANALYZES THE SUBJECT OF CODFISH ARISTOC- 
RACY — POOR PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN GRAND HOUSES — 
THE DENTIST INVITES JINKS TO DINE BUYING FURNI- 

TURE AT AUCTION AND ON INSTALMENTS — JINKS OVER- 
HEARS A PRIVATE CONFAB BETWEEN THE DENTIST AND 

HIS WIFE PEOPLE WHO PAWN THEIR GOODS TO KEEP 

UP APPEARANCES — A PATIENT ARRIVES — THE DENTIST’S 

STRENGTH FAILING, JINKS PULLS THE TOOTH OUR 

HERO SITS DOWN 'to A VERY LEAN DINNER A DES- 
PERATE ATTEMPT TO KEEP UP STYLE JINKS GIVES 

SOME GOOD ADVICE TO HIS STRUGGLING FRIENDS AND 
DEPARTS. 

M ock quality in America is divided into two sep- 
arate and distinct classes vulgarly known as the 
Shoddy and the Codfish Aristocracy. The shoddy aris- 
tocracy are an ignorant class of upstarts who have money. 
The codfish aristocracy are another class of upstarts who 
have very little money, and live up to every cent of their 
incomes in striving to maintain a grand appearance, and 
pass off as persons of wealth and station. 

The shoddy aristocracy are the families of speculators 
who made money rapidly during the civil war and through 

1 88 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY. 1 89 


Other lucky ventures — wealth thrust upon them so unex- 
pectedly that they don’t know how to use it. The cod- 
fish aristocracy are a more extensive class. They are 
bank-clerks, book-keepers in stores, salesmen, lawyers and 
doctors with a small practice, struggling dentists, store- 
keepers and merchants in a small way of business; in 
fact, almost anybody whose income averages twenty-five or 
thirty dollars a week, and whose occupation is light and 
genteel. A mechanic who earns that sum weekly, if he 
does not drink or dissipate and is a married man, gener- 
ally holds stock in a building association, and lives in a 
frugal manner to save money. It is only those who never 
soil their fingers with a dirty occupation, and to whom 
money comes easily, that care about putting on this style 
to the expenditure of the last cent of their incomes. 

This class of people live in houses flashy with ornamen- 
tal work, but not particularly noted as substantial struc- 
tures — houses that have been erected in rows by specu- 
lators, each being a counterpart of its neighbor. They 
have high ceilings, large parlors, fancy dining-rooms, 
grand libraries, with magnificent bay-windows overlook- 
ing a prospective of back alleys, little cramped-up yards 
paved with brick and ornamented with flower-pots. Over- 
head, in the upper stories, are enough unfurnished bed- 
chambers to accommodate a small hotel, while the exterior 
of the house in front, with its marble steps and base, 
flagstone pavement, bright-colored bricks, bronze knobs, 
and iron hitching-post, and carriage-steps, give an impres- 
sion of wealth and luxury. 


190 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


About one-half of these houses are rented, and the 
other half are owned by the occupants on the “ half 
shell,” to put it in a slang way. That is, an ambitious 
young man, desirous of becoming a property owner, and 
who can raise $500 or $1000 cash, can buy a ^10,000 
house by paying the small amount down, and taking the 
balance on mortgage. It is the same thing as rent. In 
fact, it is more expensive than rent, when repairs, taxes, 
water-rents, interest on mortgage, and the frequent chang- 
ing the grade of the street by the highway authorities, 
repaving, and putting down new curbstones, all of which 
public improvements come out of the property owner’s 
pocket, are counted in ; but, then, it is worth something 
to feel the importance of “living in your own house,” 
and to be able to brag about paying your taxes. 

I have several friends who are members of the codfish 
aristocracy. One of them is a young dentist I met at a 
ball last winter. His name is Gus Hamblin. He lives 
in one of the neighborhoods I have named. The other 
day he met me on the street, and invited me to come up 
to his house and take dinner. Not having anything par- 
ticular to do, I consented, and jumping into a horse-car, 
I soon reached his residence. 

I was, on my arrival at the house, conducted into the 
library on the second floor. I believe it served both for 
a library and a dental office, for in the bay window at the 
back was a large dentist’s chair, and beside it was a stone 
spittoon, such as dentists use, and a case of instruments. 
The library was comprised of a well-worn bookcase, with 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY. I9I 

about ten new volumes in it, and the balance of the 
shelves filled up with old, second-hand books, magazines, 
and newspapers. A faded Bnissels carpet was on the 
floor, the chairs were partly cane-seat and partly hair- 
cloth, and a lounge, that had seen hard usage, was at the 
side of the room, between the windows. 

“ Well, Hamblin,” said I, after we were both comfort- 
ably seated, and enjoying cheap five-cent cigars that he 
produced and tried to delude me into the belief that 
they were Havanas, “ how are you making out ? This is 
a fine house you live in. Business must be brisk with 
you.” 

” I only wish it was,” said he, puffing away. 

“ Well, it must be, for you to support this style.” 

“I am compelled to support this style,” said he, 
“ whether I can afford it or not. A dentist can’t live in 
this city unless he holds his head up pretty high.” 

“ How much rent do you pay here? ” I asked. 

“Nine hundred a year,” said he. 

“ Gracious ! ” I exclaimed, in amazement. “ Why that 
is nearly eighteen dollars a week.” 

“It’s awful,” said he; “but I have to do it. Cus- 
tomers would n’t notice me, if I were to hide myself in a 
small house in a side street.” 

“And it must take a mint of money to furnish a big 
house like this,” said I. 

“I have not got it half furnished,” he replied; “but 
what I have got has drained every cent I could raise. 
When I got married, took this house, and began business. 


192 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


I had only a hundred and fifty dollars cash to furnish 
the house with. These things here I bought at auction. 
So I did the kitchen and dining-room furniture. The 
parlor and the bedrooms I furnished with goods on in- 
stalments.” 

“ Don’t you find that an expensive way ? ” I asked. 

“It is devilish expensive,” said he, “but nine-tenths 
of the people around here furnish their houses in that way. 
Of course we get cheated. For instance, a sofa that can 
be bought at other establishments for twenty dollars, will 
cost twenty-five at an instalment house.” 

“How do you pay for goods in this way?” I in- 
quired. 

“We pay one-third down, and the balance in weekly 
instalments of a dollar a week for all sums under twenty 
dollars. I got two hundred dollars’ worth of goo<6, so I 
am saddled with ten dollars a week to pay in instalments. 
Of course, some weeks I cannot meet this demand. If 
the money is not forthcoming on the day it is due, the 
instalment people come here and threaten to remove the 
furniture. Then I have to go shinning around the neigh- 
borhood to borrow money for the emergency. At one 
time my wife had to pawn her jewelry to save the furni- 
ture. In fact, it is in pawn yet, as we have not been able 
to redeem it.” 

“And how much of the house have you furnished in 
this way?” Tasked. 

“The house has thirteen rooms, but only five of them 
are furnished. We have only one bedroom. In fact, I 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY, I93 

don’t believe there is a family along this row that has 
more than one bedroom furnished, although all the houses 
have rooms enough for a hotel.” 

“Are all your neighbors as poor as yourself?” I in- 
quired. 

“Every mother’s son of them. Why the man who 
lives next door in an eight-hundred dollar house only 
gets twenty-five dollars a week salary as a book-keeper. 
The Lord only knows how he keeps up all this style. 
Then, of course, his family have to dress. He has six 
children, but he has only one bedroom furnished to roost 
them in.” 

About this time we heard a light footstep on the hall- 
floor without, and then a lady appeared at the door, but 
quickly withdrew. My little friend cried : 

“ Come in, my dear; this is Mr. Jinks.” 

But she did not come in, and the dentist went out to 
see what was the matter. As they spoke very loud, I 
overheard every word they said, without any attempt at 
eavesdropping. 

“ Why don’t you come in, darling?” I heard him say. 
“ My friend, Mr. Jinks, is in there.” 

“I don’t want to see him,” she said. “I would be 
ashamed to look him in the face with this shabby dress 
on.” 

“Shabby, my dear!” exclaimed the dentist; “then 
why don’t you put on your silk one? ” 

“Put it on ! ” she cried, spitefully; “you know well 
enough it is at the pawnbroker’s. You know I had to 
17 N 


194 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


pawn it last week to procure money to buy you a new 
hat.” 

“ Bless my soul ! ” said the dentist. “ I forgot all about 
that. But, my dear, I have invited Jinks to dinner — ” 

“You must be crazy ! ” she exclaimed. “What have 
we got in the house to eat ? Scarcely enough for our- 
selves. There is a little cold roast mutton. I can’t set 
the man down to that.” 

“ Can’t you make a hash of it, my dear?” inquired the 
dentist, humbly; “cook it up with some onions, and then 
buy a pie at the baker’s for dessert? I guess we can make 
out.” 

“It is all very well to talk about buying pies,” said she; 
“but where is the money to come from? I have only got 
four cents left.” 

“What ! out of that five dollars I gave you last Thurs- 
day to keep house on?” said the dentist, with unfeigned 
astonishment. “ Why, my dear, this is outrageous ! ” 

“ How long do you expect five dollars to last me? If 
you want me to get any dinner, give me some money. 
Remember, the servant has not had her wages for four 
weeks, and she says if we don’t pay up this week she’ll 
leave.” 

“ Curse the servant ! ” said the dentist. “ We can get 
bushels of other girls if she leaves. But I have not got 
any money — not a cent. I expected a job this morning 
that didn’t come.” 

“Well, I can’t get dinner without money,” said the 
lady. 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY. I95 


“1 wonder if Jinks would n’t lend me five dollars? ” said 
the dentist, musingly, 

“Don’t you dare to ask him ! ’’ said the lady, firing up. 
“ The idea of asking a man here to dinner, and then bor- 
rowing money of him to buy the victuals ! Why, I would 
be ashamed to ever look him in the face again. What 
would the neighbors say of us, if it ever leaked out ? ’’ 

At that moment there came a terrific pull at the door- 
bell. I thought the house was on fire, or something 
dreadful had happened. I ran to the library-door in time 
to see my friend, the dentist, sliding down the balusters, 
in his anxiety to see if a patient had arrived. In a few 
moments he returned, followed by a plump, good-looking 
blonde, dressed in silks, and with about half a pound of 
paint smeared on her face. 

“ Oh, doctor,’’ she cried, as she came into the room, 
holding her hand to her cheek, “I’ ve got such a terrible 
toothache.” 

“Just take your seat in this chair,” said the little den- 
tist, with a courteous smile, “and I will soon relieve you. 
Ah, there you are ! Now lean your head back and open 
your mouth. Whi.ch tooth is it that troubles you?” 

“This jaw- tooth, doctor, on the right side,” she re- 
plied. 

“Ah, is this the one? It /s an ugly customer. It’s 
pretty far gone, but I guess I can save it. Which way 
will you have it filled ? with silver or gold ? Gold is the 
most expensive, but it is more durable.” 

“I don’t want it filled, doctor,” she replied; “I will 


196 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


bother with it no longer. For goodness’ sake, pull it out, 
and relieve me of my agony.” 

“Just as you say,” said the dentist, opening his case 
of instruments and examining them. “Will you take the 
gas?” 

“Oh, yes, doctor. I could never stand the operation 
without the gas.” 

Then the dentist pulled back a screen, disclosing a 
large tin tank with a rubber hose attached to it. He first 
placed a cork in the lady’s mouth, between her teeth, and 
then placing the hose to the aperture turned a spigot in 
the tank. In a moment the lady fell asleep. 

“ Ah, Jinks,” said the dentist, gazing at her admiringly 
and rubbing his hands, “she is so sound asleep that she 
is not aware she ever lived. Ain’t she beautiful. I do 
admire blondes so,” he continued, leaning down and 
kissing the fair face of his patient. Then, turning to me, 
he said : 

“ Take a kiss. Jinks. She ’ll never know it.” 

“Thank you, old fellow,” said I. “I never take ad- 
vantage of a lady in that way. I get as many voluntary 
kisses as I want. ’ ’ 

“Pooh! that’s nothing,” said the dentist. “I kiss 
almost every woman who takes the gas, if she is not too 
old and ugly, and comes alone. It is the perquisite of our 
profession. All dentists do it. Ah, you little darling, 
you!” he cried, taking another smack at her lips. “I 
wonder if she is married? ” 

Then he took a little instrument resembling a pair of 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY. I97 

pincers, with very sharp points, and began cutting around 
the tooth. He then braced his knees firmly against the 
chair, took hold of the instrument with both hands, took 
a long breath, and gave a tremendous pull. He nearly 
jerked the woman’s head off, but her tooth remained sta- 
tionary. When he stopped for rest he was sweating like 
a bull. 

“ How would you like to take hold of this concern. 
Jinks ? ” he asked. “ You are stronger than I am. Darn 
me if I can draw this tooth.” 

“ Are you right sure I won’t break her jaw ? ” I asked. 

He said there was no danger, so I took hold Of the in- 
strument. At the first pull I brought her clean off the 
chair. Then the dentist grabbed her around the body, 
under the arms, and pulled one way while I pulled the 
other ; but I was so strong, and the tooth so tough, that 
I dragged the woman all around the room. The dentist 
then called his wife and his hired girl to assist. They 
grabbed him by the coat-tails, while he tugged away at 
the patient like a demon, and I held on manfully to the 
pincers. Something was bound to come. I gave a pull, 
when out came the tooth. I lost my balance, and fell 
over the spittoon, nearly breaking my back, while the 
others rolled over on the floor. 

The excitement aroused the patient from her slumbers. 
She looked around, realized where she was, picked her- 
self up from the floor, and asked for the tooth. It was 
given her. On examination it was found to have four 
prongs. 

17* 


198 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“What is the charge? ” asked the lady, taking out her 
pocket-book, 

“ Four dollars,” said the dentist ; “ a dollar a prong.” 

“ I won’t pay it ! ” said the lady. “ Fifty cents is the 
most I have ever paid, and it is all the change I have with 
me.” 

“All right,” said the dentist; “you can owe me the 
balance. ’ ’ After she was gone, he sighed : 

“ If I had only known that she was going to act that 
mean, I would have pulled every tooth in her head, and 
made her get a new set.” 

We then went down to dinner. There were plenty of 
plates and napkins on the table, but very little victuals. 
What viands there were, however, were put on in style. 
The little dentist sat at the head of the table to do the 
carving, or rather to ladle out the hash. His wife sat 
opposite to me, and the servant-girl stood behind my 
chair to wait upon me. 

‘‘Will you have some stew, Mr. Jinks?” inquired the 
dentist, placing a limited supply of recooked mutton, 
onions, and white potatoes on my plate. 

“ If there is anything our cook prides herself on it is 
her stews,” said the dentist’s wife. “Mr. Jinks, will you 
have some cranberries? ” 

As there were about two spoonfuls of cranberries in the 
dish, I felt some conscientious scruples about taking any, 
but as she insisted on it, I took half a spoonful, and 
spread the sauce on my bread. 

“Do help yourself to butter,” said the dentist. “Now, 
Jinks, make yourself perfectly at home.” 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY. I99 

The idea of asking me to take some of the butter ! 
There was a piece about as big as the half of a walnut on 
the plate. I excused myself, saying I never used butter. 

“ My dear fellow,” said I, with the most serious face I 
could assume, “ I consider butter unwholesome. I never 
use it.” 

In fact, I even felt sensitive about taking the second 
plate of hash, for the lady of the house looked very hun- 
gry, and I was afraid she would n’t get enough dinner if 
I indulged too much. Besides, there was the servant-girl, 
who lived in hopes of getting her dinner after we were 
through. As true as I live, all that was on the table was 
the hash, half a loaf of bread, a small lump of butter, a 
little cranberry sauce, and two small pickles, which every- 
body was too polite to touch. 

“I am so busy,” apologized Mrs. Hamblin, “with my 
missionary duties that I have little time to attend to niy 
household affairs, and you know you can trust nothing to 
the servants. Maria,” she continued, turning to the girl 
in a dignified manner, “did you go to the baker’s .and 
procure those pies, as I bade you.” 

“Yes, mum,” said the girl; “the mon he took my 
money, but he would n’t give me no pies. He said that 
the fifty cents could go against the little account you owed 
already.” 

Hamblin was very busy chasing a piece of hash about 
his dish at that moment, and his good lady blushed deeply, 
as she told the girl that we could dispense with her services 
for the rest of the meal. I tried to renew the conversa- 


200 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


tion by referring to the pleasant neighborhood they lived 
in. 

“Yes, Mr. Jinks,” said the lady, “the neighborhood 
is very pleasant, and the ground high and healthy, but 
some of our neighbors are very unpleasant. They are 
continually quarrelling. They are jealous of our position 
in society. We go to Cape May every summer and stay 
a week, and that makes some of them, who cannot afford 
it, very angry. My husband has to take out some of his 
professional bills in that way with the proprietors of the 
hotels at the sea-side. Oh, how I do love Cape May ! Do 
you summer at the Capes, Mr. Jinks? ” 

I told her I dropped down there occasionally in the hot 
months, but it never cost me a cent, as the hotel men 
were only too glad to have my society. 

“ I do so like society,” she resumed. “ I am fond of 
the opera, too. I would have gone to the opera last even- 
ing, only that stupid milliner did n’t get my new fall bon- 
net done in time.” 

“ By the way, my dear,” said her husband, forgetting 
himself, “ what did you do with the pawn-ticket for that 
bonnet? I have looked high and low for that infernal 
ticket.” 

He had let the cat out of the bag. The lady jumped 
up in a hurry, and rushed out of the room, saying she had 
her missionary labors to attend to. As to the dentist, he 
was overwhelmed with confusion, and offered all kind of 
excuses. 

“ Never mind me, my dear friend,” said I, sympatheti- 


LIFE AMONG THE MOCK QUALITY. 201 


cally, “ I will tell nobody about your domestic affairs. 
But take the advice of a sensible man who has seen a 
good deal of the world. If you want to succeed in life, 
don’t live beyond your income. You ’ll never gain a bit 
more business by maintaining this luxury than by living 
in a plain, simple manner. However, my old friend, I 
don’t want to crow over you, if I have got a little more 
money than you have. Here is a twenty-dollar bill. 
Make use of it, and pay me back when you feel like it.” 

So saying, I left him, while he overwhelmed me with 
thanks and protestations of undying friendship and grati- 
tude. It was evident that he and twenty-dollar bills had 
been strangers to each other for a long time. 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 


MR. JINKS IS ATTRACTED BY AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR SEW- 
ING-MACHINE AGENTS — HE APPLIES IN PERSON FOR THE 
SITUATION — HAS A LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT THE 

BUSINESS WITH THE AGENT THE INSIDE OPERATIONS 

EXPLAINED — HOW MACHINES ARE BOUGHT AND SOLD ON 
INSTALMENTS — HOW AGENTS GO ABOUT PERSUADING 
UNSOPHISTICATED WOMEN TO TRADE GOOD MACHINES FOR 
WORTHLESS ONES — JINKS TRIES A ROUTE WITH AN AGENT 
— WHAT BEFELL THEM — OUR HERO SAVES A POOR WORK- 
ING-GIRL FROM BEING SWINDLED. 

N oticing an advertisement in a daily paper recently 
for sewing-machine agents, I was inspired with a 
desire to apply for the situation myself. Not that neces- 
sity compelled me to enter that line of business, but 
merely the whim of a curious man, with a penchant for 
investigating everything that is going on. “I wonder 
what kind of a sewing-machine agent I would make?” I 
asked myself. “I have got a splendid address, and, with 
my cheek and perseverance, I ought to make a fortune in 
a couple of weeks. I ’ve a good notion to try.” 

I am full of adventure, and like anything with novelty 
in it. So I put on my hat, and selecting one of the most 


202 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 203 

flaming of the advertisements emanating from a concern 
on a street almost entirely devoted to little businesses of 
this description, I started out to become a sewing-machine 
agent. 

Reaching the place, I found it located in the third story 
of a dingy old brick building that had, in its time, been 
a spacious family mansion, but was now used solely for 
offices or small workshops. The door stood wide open, 
and I entered without any ceremony. There were several 
young men standing around, looking at circulars or ex- 
amining different makes of sewing-machines that stood in 
the room. Behind a desk, partitioned off into a small 
space, sat a grim-visaged little man, of about fifty years, 
dressed in a suit of solemn black, and humming a psalm 
as he turned over the leaves of a day-book. He turned 
one eye slowly on me as soon as I entered, and said, in a 
deep, monotonous voice : 

“Good-morning, sir.” 

“Good-morning,” said I. “I have called in regard 
to your advertisement for agents.” 

“ Well, sir,” said he, “ have you ever been Engaged in 
the business before ? ” 

“ No; but I think I can make out,” said I, inventing a 
convenient fiction. “ I have been a book agent, but the 
business is dull. People have no time to read books 
nowadays. They get all their information from the 
newspapers. Sewing-machines, however, are a necessity. 
They are bread and butter to the women, and they must 
buy them.” 


204 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


“Your head is level there,” said the old man, com- 
placently, closing his book and suddenly taking an inter- 
est in me. “ You talk like a practical man who has seen 
something of the world. Well, if you wish to try your 
hand as one of our agents, I guess we can make room for 
you.” 

“ What salary do you pay? ” I asked. 

“ Oh, we pay no salaries at all,” said he. “ Our men 
make so much by commissions that they would sneer at a 
salary. You can make at the least ten dollars a day with- 
out half trying. Still, it requires a good deal of push 
and perseverance. Most of our customers are women, 
and they are very cross and snappish sometimes.” 

“ What machines do you sell? ” 

“All kinds,” he replied. “ The American, Wheeler & 
Wilson, Wilcox & Gibbs, Howe, Singer, and, in fact, 
every make sold. As almost every woman has a machine 
of some kind in the house, our plan is to go around, and 
find out what make of a machine she has, and persuade 
her it is useless, and get her to trade it off, with some 
cash to boot, for another machine. Thus, last week, an 
agent of ours persuaded a Mrs. Smith to trade her American 
machine, and give thirty dollars to boot, for a Wilcox & 
Gibbs, which he had procured the same day, with thirty 
dollars more to boot, from a Mrs. Brown living around 
the corner. In other words, our agent coaxed Mrs. Smith 
and Mrs. Brown to trade their machines, while he made 
sixty dollars clear for his trouble. Oh, there is money in 
it. Are you a member of church ? ” 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 205 

“ No,” said 1. “ I am sorry to say that I am one of 

the lost sheep.” 

“ That is bad,” said he. “ It would be money in your 
pocket if you were religiously inclined, and could com- 
mand the influence of your pastor, or one of your promi- 
nent church people. I owe my success in life to being 
a sincere and devout Methodist. I trod the straight path 
that leads to salvation when I was a mere boy, and I have 
followed it ever since. I would n’t be in the position I 
am in to-day, if it wasn’t for the righteous life I have 
led. People put more trust in a man when he belongs to 
church than if he did not, and swallow everything he 
tells them. I suppose I have sold a hundred worthless 
machines right around the immediate neighborhood where 
I live, because the people had faith in me, and bought 
whatever I advised them to. However, they have found 
me out in that locality by this time, and I could n’t very 
well repeat the experiment.” 

“ Then part of your business, it seems, is to persuade 
women to trade off good machines, and give you money, 
besides, in exchange for worthless ones? ” 

“ Yes,” said he ; “ but we have various ways of making 
money. We make a great deal off the instalment system 
of selling machines. The way we operate is this. Say a 
machine sells for sixty dollars. Well, our agents will get 
a woman to give them ten dollars in advance, the balance 
to be paid in monthly instalments of five dollars each. 
After the first ten dollars are paid, another collector is sent 
every month, for three or four months, to collect the five- 
18 


206 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


dollar instalment. At the end of that time the original 
agent, who made the contract, will go around and swear 
point-blank that the collector who got the instalments was 
a swindler, had no connection whatever with the office, 
and unless the money is all paid over again, he seizes the 
machine and takes it away, after making thirty or forty 
dollars clear profit by the transaction. I have myself 
made hundreds of dollars in that way.” 

“ And how about these advertisements that appear in 
the papers offering to let women have machines, and pay 
for them in work, after leaving a small instalment of mo- 
ney as security?” 

“ That is a humbug, too,” he replied ; “but there is not 
much money in it, and it is very troublesome. The way 
we operate is, after the girl has got the machine nearly 
paid for, to find fault with her sewing and refuse her work. 
Then, unless she pays the balance in cash, we seize the 
machine, thus securing all her labor and the cash instal- 
ment for nothing. It is not exactly a strictly honest way 
of making a living, but what business nowadays has not 
more or less cheating in it?” 

I had heard enough to fill me with a desire to see more 
of the trade, so I engaged my services to him, and he pro- 
ceeded to give me my instructions. 

“Let me see,” said he, glancing over a rough map of 
the city he had made. “ I think I ’ll set you to work in 
the Twentieth Ward. It is a splendid field for an enter- 
prising man. Almost every house has got a sewing-ma- 
chine in it, and with a little eloquence you can persuade 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 20/ 

the -women to trade in the way I ’ve told you. Don’t get 
frightened with a few rebuffs.” 

“But,” said I, having a purpose in view, “I would 
rather go around for a day or so with one of your agents, 
to see how he manages, and to learn the ropes.” 

“You can do that,” said the agent. “I have one of 
my men who will be going out on his route in a few min- 
utes. He is well posted, and will show you everything in 
the business.” 

The man to whom he referred came in soon after. He 
had almost as melancholy a countenance as his employer, 
and an equal amount of cant and hypocrisy about him. 
He was as full of “blow” as a church-organ, and in- 
formed me, on less than five minutes’ acquaintance, that 
he was one of the pillars of the Methodist church and a 
devout Christian. 

“ Yes, brother Jinks,” said he, after my telling him my 
name, “ I have been battling in the Lord’s army for many 
a day. I am proud, sir, of the cause of Christianity. It 
is a noble cause. In fact, I find it very profitable to me. 
As boy and man I have spent forty years in the church, 
and I have yet to experience the first feeling of regret at 
having done so. But come, Mr. Jinks, let us be moving. 
I have got a long route before me.” 

So saying, he took my arm and led me out into the 
street. 

“ We will go,” said he, “to the western section of the 
city, where my district is. “ Now, remember, the first 
requisites in our business are patience, meekness, and a 


208 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


glib tongue. And then we must adapt ourselves to cir- 
cumstances. Now, if I were to sell a tavern-keeper’s 
wife a machine, religion is the last subject I would broach 
to her, for then she would set me down at once as a hum- 
bug. Oh, no ; I have a few harmless and very convenient 
oaths that I intersperse in my conversation on such occa- 
sions. Besides, I keep myself pretty well posted about 
balls and theatres and know considerable about what is 
going on in the wicked world, so that I can make myself 
interesting to the greatest sinner that walks the earth. 
But I am in my element when I get into a religious 
household. Then I can grind out Scripture by the yard, 
and I’ll bet my bottom dollar there ain’t a man around 
town that can beat me at prayers. I don’t flatter myself 
much on a genteel, intellectual sort of prayer, but when 
it comes to a regular old Methodist camp-meeting hoe- 
down, full of amens and shouting, I lay over the deck. 
You may not think it, but such conduct has a great deal 
to do with striking a trade with the religiously inclined. 
Just wait awhile. I ’ll open your eyes to a new view of 
human nature.” 

On reaching his district, my friend went immediately 
to work ringing the door-bells, while I stood on the pave- 
ment and looked at him. At first he had not much suc- 
cess. The servants, who always came to answer the bell, 
seemed to have orders to slam the door in his face, for 
they invariably did so as soon as he said “sewing-ma- 
chine.” After trying a dozen houses with like Success, 
my friend gave the street up as a bad job. 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 20g 


“This street is a little too aristocratic for our busi- 
ness,” said he. “We’ll go around the corner, where 
the niggers and Irish live. I can always get along better 
among the poor people.” 

So we went around the corner. At the first house he 
applied, a colored lady came to the door. 

“ My dear madam,” said the agent, a wreath of kindly 
smiles overspreading his countenance, “how do you do? 
It is a fine morning. Have you a sewing-machine in the 
house ? ” 

“Lord bless you, no, boss,” said the lady. “We 
couldn’t ’ford none ob dem in our house. I do all my 
sewing wid my fingers.” 

“Ah, you only think you can’t afford it,” said the 
agent. “ I can sell you a machine from ten dollars up — 
either on instalments or cash down. Are all those your 
children, madam?” 

He referred to a lot of woolly-headed little youngsters 
who had come running to the door to see what was going 
on. 

“Yes, boss,” said she, “dem is all mine.” 

“Bless their little curly heads,” said he, kneeling down 
and kissing several of them, saying devoutly, ‘ Even as 
the hen gathereth her brood under her wing, so do I gather 
these. ’ That is Scripture, my good woman. I hope you 
read your Bible, and attend church.” 

“ Oh, yes, boss ! I ’se a member olj de culled church 
around yar.” 

“Sister,” said he, extending his palm, “give me your 
i8* O 


210 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


hand. We are both in Christ’s army. I, too, am a 
Methodist. Dear sister, I declare to goodness it does me 
good to meet you. Nothing would give me greater joy 
than to indulge in prayer with you. Will you permit it, 
dear sister? Of course you will. Walk in, brother Jinks; 
we are going to have prayers.” 

And before I knew where I was, he seized me by the 
collar and walked me into the room, and flopped me down 
before a three-legged stool. Then he fell on his knees, 
and began praying with a vengeance, while the colored 
lady and her little ones kneeled at his side, and began 
yelling and going on as if they had the cholera or the 
dyspepsia. As I was in the scrape, I had to make the 
most of it, so every two minutes I cried out “Amen ! ” 
like a good fellow. Oh, we had a happy time ! My 
friend arose from his knees, after ten minutes’ hard pray- 
ing, and, with his eyes wet with tears, began to talk 
“sewing-machine” as fast as his tongue would let him. 
Of course, he was successful. The colored lady, who had 
been weeping and moaning as if her heart would break, 
went to an old broken sugar-bowl, and got out five dollars 
and sixty cents, which she said was all the money she had 
in the house, and which she had been saving to pay the 
rent, and gave to him as a first instalment for a machine. 
When we got out into the street, he said : 

“You see, Jinks, how I operate? I had to soften her 
obdurate heart before she ’d talk business. She is just 
the kind of customer I like to get hold of. She ’ll never 
be able to keep the instalments paid up, and in a month 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 2II 


or so I ’ll seize the machine, and all she has paid in will 
be clear profit. By the way, that reminds me I have a 
customer in this street whose machine I must seize this 
week.” 

‘ ‘ What is the matter ? ” I asked . “ Don ’ t she pay up ? ” 

“Yes,” said he; “but that is not the game. Just keep 
quiet and listen, and you ’ll understand the whole trans- 
action.” 

And putting on a grim, sober countenance, he advanced 
to a house a few paces up the street and rang the bell. A 
young lady of about seventeen came to the door. She 
was very pale and poorly dressed, and looked as if she 
was broken down with hard work. 

“Good-morning, miss,” said the agent, taking out a 
note-book and consulting it. “I have called for the four 
months’ back instalments on your sewing-machine that 
are due.” 

“The back instalments! ” said the young lady, amazed. 

“ Certainly; I want the back instalments.” 

“Why, I owe you nothing,” said the girl. “I paid 
down ten dollars cash in advance, and have been paying 
five dollars monthly ever since.” 

“Oh, come, miss,” said he, impudently, “don’t try 
to brazen me out in that manner. I am too old a bird, 
and know the world. I have been sick for the past four 
months, and couldn’t get around for the money.” 

“But a collector has called regularly for it,” she said, 
“ and I have paid-him, and have his receipts in the house.” 

“He must be a swindler,” said the man. “I’ve au- 


212 


A CURE FOR THE BLUES. 


thorized nobody to collect money for me. All I ’ve got 
to say is, if you have been foolish enough to pay another 
person, you must bear the loss. I must either have the 
money in full or take the machine. Those are the terms 
of our contract.” 

At this the girl burst out crying, and, running to a 
closet, procured the receipts and showed them to him. 
He glanced at them with a contemptuous smile, and then 
tossed them aside. 

“They are not worth the paper they are written on,” 
said he. “ It is a clear swindle. I must either have the 
money or the machine.” 

By this time several other women in the house came 
to see what was the matter, and immediately took sides 
with the girl. 

“ I believe all you sewing-machine agents are swindlers, 
anyhow,” said one. “Here the poor thing has been 
working night and day for the support of herself and her 
sick mother, and now you come to take the bread from 
their mouths. It is a downright robbery ! ” 

“All right, madam,” said the agent. “ I wish to seek 
no quarrel. I want my own, that ’s all. However, I 
don’t want to be hard on the young lady. If she will 
let me have ten dollars now, I will let the balance stand 
for a month or so. I must either have the money, though, 
or the machine.” 

The women held a hasty consultation, and then came 
to the conclusion that it would be better to pay the 
money. They began to search in their pockets for 


TRICKS OF A SEWING-MACHINE AGENT. 213 

money to help the young girl make up the amount, when 
my temper got the better of me, and I spoke out. 

“Wait, ladies,” said I, “there is no necessity of your 
raising any money. I have seen enough of this business, 
and it shall not go on in my presence. This man here is 
a black-hearted scoundrel and a swindler. Let him take 
a cent of money from that girl, and in twenty-four hours 
I ’ll have him in the stone jug.” 

“ Be careful, sir,” said the agent, turning white with 
fear and rage. “ You don’t know what you ’re doing.” 

“Oh, yes, I do, my pious friend,” said I. “I under- 
stand your game thoroughly. Ladies, the collector who 
received the instalments is a chum of his, and they work 
together. If he doubts what I say, let him dare me to 
the proof. As for you, sir, I ’ve seen enough of your 
ugly carcass. Get out of here, or I ’ll break your neck.” 

He didn’t wait for a second invitation, for he fled 
speedily as the toe of my boot touched his pantaloons. 

As for the women, they gathered around me with heart- 
felt thanks, and the young girl actually kissed me, and 
called me her benefactor. As I was leaving, I managed 
to slip a ten-dollar bill into her hands. At first she 
refused it, but I insisted on her taking it. 

Well, this is my experience as a sewing-machine agent. 
As the business is now carried on by some parties, it is a 
system of fraud, oppression, and rascality, whose victims 
are found among those least able to bear the plunder. 


THE END. 


PHILADELPHIA 

SUNDAY TIMES 


FIFTEENTH YEAR. 


CIRCULATION NEARLY 40,000; 

The Largest of any Sunday Newspaper in Pennsyl- 
vania, without any Exception. Printed on one of 
Hoe’s Past Rotary Presses, capacity 10,000 copies 
per hour. 

ALWAYS LIVE, PUNGENT. AND RACY. 
Ilie Mb Without Tear, A Hevspaper for tbe Uilliou, 

THE LITERARY DEPARTMENT IS ALWAYS UP TO 
THE HIGHEST STANDARD. 

THE LADIES’ DEPARTMENT is edited by MRS. E. S. 
BLADEN, an Accomplished and Talented Lady. 

INDEPENDENT AND READABLE POLITICAL GOSSIP. 

HUMOROUS SKETCHES by JONATHAN JINKS, THE 
MAN WITH THE IRON JAW, all others are imitators and frauds. 

REPORTS OF SOCIAL PARTIES, DRAMATIC NOTES, 
LATEST LOCAL SENSATIONS, TELEGRAPHIC NEWS. 
Sold by all Newsdealers in Philadelphia 

FOR THREE CENTS PER COPY. 

Mail Subscribers $2 per annum in advance. 

JOHN H. TAGGART & SON, 

Editors and Publishers, 

819 Walnut St., PHILADELPHIA. 


JOHN H. TAGGART, i 
HARRY L. TAGGART.; 


THE RECORD. 

THE INDEPENDENT MORNING NEWSPAPER 
OF PHILADELPHIA. The Largest and Best 
One Cent Newspaper Ever Published. 


DAILY CIBCULATION OVER 36,000. 


NEWS FROM ALL PARTS OF THE WORLD, BV ASSOCIATED 
PRESS AND SPECIAL CORRESPONDENTS. 

SERVED BY CARRIERS IN THE CITY OF PHILADELPHIA 
FOR SIX CENTS PER WEEK. 

Prices for Mailing, including prepaid postage: One Month, Thirty 
Cents; One Year, Three Dollars. Invariably in Advance. 

SEND FOR A SPECIMEN COPY. 

RECORD PUBLISHING CO., 

S. W. Cor. Third and Chestnut Sts. 

1115 wm. T. HOPKilffS^ 133 

1115 Chestnut St. and 133 North Eighth St., 

PHILADELPHIA, 

Manufacturer of and Wholesale and Retail Dealer in 

HOOP SKIRTS, PANIERS, BUSTLES, 

CORSETS and UNDERGARMENTS, 

For Ladies, Misses, and Cliildren. 

CONSTANTLY ON HAND 
The Largest and Best Assortment of French, German, English, 
and American CORSETS to be found in the American market, at 

PRICES ALWAYS THE LOWEST. 

Mrs. S. A. Moody’s Patent Self-Adjusting Abdom- 
inal Supporting Corset a Specialty. 


SUNDAY ITEM. 

THE LAEGEST AND BEST SUNDAY PAPER 
PUBLISHED IN PHILADELPHIA. 


Eight Pages. Fifty-six Columns. 5 Cents. 


A Special £dition is issued on Saturday Xight, 
for distribution throughout Pennsylvania, New Jer- 
sey, Delaware, Maryland, the District of Columbia, 
Ohio, etc. THE ITEM is the only Sunday Paper 
that reaches these points. Advertisers will make 
a note of it. 

FITZGERALD & SONS, 

Editors, Publishers, and Proprietors, 


“IT SHINES FOR ALL.*' 

The DAIlTy SUN. 

PUBLISHED MOBNINO AND AFTERNOON. 

SEVEN EDITIOT^ DAILY. 
Average Circulation Over 60,000 Copies Every Day. 

THE BEST ADV ERT ISING MEDIUM. 

PRICE, ONE CENT. 

HARRINGTON FITZGERALD, 

EDITOR AJVD PROPRIETOR. 




BEST CURE 
CURE 


FOR THE BLUES ! 
FOR THE BLUES ! 
FOR THE 
THE 



BLUES! 
BLUES 1 
BLUES I 


When people are blue and dismal, it is generully be- 
en nse of money 'matters. 

The Great Remedy for Unpleasant Money Matters, for Short Incomes, 
and for Tight Times is to be found at 

WANAMAKER’S GRAND DEPOT, 

in the wonderful leductioil made on the prices of all descriptions of goods. 

SHOPPING IS A DELIGHT 

at Wanamaker’s, because' of the joy of seeing how much a little money 
will do. 


Dres.s Goods, 
ly.ulies’ Suits, 

LiU'os atid Ribbons, 
<iIoves aiul Triiiiiiiing'S, 
Upholstery Goods, 


I Hats, 

I Ihxds Sind Slioes, 

J Trunks and Ssitehels, 

[ Clothing, 

I Hon.se Fnrni.shing Goods. 


AND ALL AT PRICES 

WHICH ARE A CONTINUAL ASTONISHMENT 
TO ALL BUYERS. 


Samples Sent Promptly by Mail. 

Mail Orders receive Direct Attention. 


JOHN WANAMAKER, 




13th and Market Sts., 

PHILADELPHIA. 




J 
















UBRARY OF CONGRESS 



